While it’s important not to care too much about what others think, it’s understandable that you may want to come across as likable (or at least not instantly unlikable, right?). You might feel that way for various reasons: Perhaps you’re a people-pleaser, want to make friends as an adult or need to win over a client at work. Other than the more obvious steps—like simply smiling at people—you might read about habits that make people likable or behaviors to ditch if you want to be more amiable.
While helpful, those tips are unfortunately not foolproof or fail-safe. After all, we can’t control what others think, and we can easily turn people off even when we don’t say the “wrong” thing. At the same time, having that kind of information in your back pocket is a smart first step. While nobody is perfect or liked by everyone, certain phrases are usually no-gos in social situations—and some are more surprising than others.
To help readers, Parade spoke to an etiquette expert. Ahead, she reveals 11 phrases that make you “instantly unlikable” with strangers, explaining why for each. Then, she shares how to avoid those phrases (while still getting your point across) and how to be more appealing to people you haven’t met before.
Related: These 11 Habits Will Make People Dislike You Fast, Etiquette Experts Warn
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11 Phrases That Make You ‘Instantly Unlikable’ With Strangers, According to an Etiquette Expert
When you meet someone for the first time, you may want to avoid using these specific comments, an expert warns.
1. “You look tired”
While this comment may be true (and even a sign of concern or care), it’s not one to say.
“Even if they are tired, what does pointing that out help?” says Genevieve (Jenny) Dreizen, the COO and co-founder of Fresh Starts Registry, a modern-day etiquette and boundaries expert and the author of Simple Scripts to Support Your People: What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say.
She encourages genuinely asking how the person is instead.
Related: 11 Phrases That Make You ‘Instantly Unlikable’ in Group Settings, According to an Etiquette Expert
2. “I’m not trying to be rude, but…”
Usually, if you have to say this, you’re about to say something rude.
“This is a disclaimer that does the opposite of what it promises: It signals that something rude is coming, and the person braces for it,” Dreizen says. “If you have to preface something this way, it’s worth considering whether it needs to be said at all.”
3. “Must be nice”
Did this phrase just drain excitement and happiness out of your body? It can do that. It “dismisses someone’s joy, accomplishment or good news by reframing it as unearned luck,” Dreizen explains. “It makes the other person feel guilty for sharing something positive.”
To both celebrate with the person and honor your curiosity, she encourages a phrase like, “That sounds amazing. How did that come together?”
Related: 7 Phrases That Subtly Suggest Someone Feels Resentful, Psychologists Warn
4. “I could never do that”
These backwards compliments are like negging: They sound self-deprecating or complimentary at first, but often contain hidden judgment.
“It draws a line between your choices and theirs, and the other person feels it,” Dreizen shares.
5. “Well, that’s just common sense”
This dismissive and unkind phrase “shrinks people,” according to Dreizen.
“This tells someone that what they just shared—maybe something they learned the hard way—should have been obvious,” she says.
6. “You always…” or “You never…”
Absolutes are absolute no-nos.
“Even when the pattern is real, framing it as ‘always’ or ‘never’ puts people on the defensive immediately,” Dreizen explains.
She adds that absolutes can shut down conversation. They can cause people to stop listening and start cataloguing exceptions.
7. “I’m just being honest”
While honesty is important, it needs to be paired with kindness. If someone says a phrase like this, it’s probably to cover for a rude comment.
“This phrase is almost never used to deliver a kind truth,” Dreizen states. “It’s most often used to sneak criticism in under the guise of, ‘What, you want me to lie?’”
Related: Psychologists Say People Who Have ‘Absolutely No Filter’ Likely Have These 7 Traits
8. “It’s not that hard”
Just because something was easy for you doesn’t mean it’s easy for everyone.
“Saying this out loud makes someone feel small for struggling,” Dreizen explains.
9. “Whatever”
This one word can cause a lot of hurt. Dreizen says it communicates: “‘I don’t care about what you just said; I don’t respect this conversation enough to give you a real response.’”
Even if you truly don’t care or are trying to be agreeable, she adds, it can shut down conversation and make future comments sound petty.
10. “You’re too sensitive”
You might not understand someone’s hurt, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real for them.
“This tells someone that their emotional response is wrong, which is a hard thing to come back from in a conversation,” Dreizen warns.
She adds that feelings don’t need other people’s approval or agreement to be valid.
Related: 12 Signs You Might Be a ‘Highly Sensitive Person,’ According to a Therapist
11. “Let me play devil’s advocate.”
This is just a nope.
“I am not sure who suggested the devil needs an advocate, but I suggest they do not,” Dreizen says.
If you have a good-natured counterpoint, she encourages saying something like, “If I could provide a counter-argument,” to be more conversationally inclusive.
How To Avoid These Phrases Altogether—With Strangers or in General
Thinking before you speak and being mindful of how certain phrases come across are important steps to foster healthy communication. Dreizen finds that the phrases above “are not curious, warm or welcoming.”
Other than being aware of that, she encourages taking a breath and thinking about the person before you.
“See their joy, tiredness, excitement as an invitation to connection instead of something to be proven, questioned or picked apart,” she suggests. “A breath and a reminder of where you want this relationship to go is a good step in the right direction.”
Related: Why You Shouldn’t Ignore These 6 Common ‘Brightsiding’ Phrases, Psychologists Warn
How To Be More Likable With Strangers
So we know what’s unlikable. What about the opposite? Get this: Being “likable” with strangers doesn’t mean what you may think it does.
Dreizen says it “isn’t about being charming or performing warmth,” but about “making the other person feel like they matter in the brief window of time you share.”
To do this, she suggests asking questions, actually listening to their answers and allowing their stories to be their stories without trying to match or “one-up” them.
Related: 10 Easy Ways To Become More Charismatic, According to Psychologists
Remembering that connection matters more than precision is also key, the etiquette expert says.
“Details get confused, sometimes we all get flummoxed by a date or a location—assume the other person is not trying to mislead you, especially when there is no reason for it, and focus on the connection,” she explains.
Last but not least, and when in doubt, she emphasizes helping people feel good about what they say.
“That’s it,” she concludes. “That’s the whole thing.”
Up Next:
Related: Etiquette Experts Say These 8 Nonverbal Habits Make You Seem Rude Without Realizing It
Source:
- Genevieve (Jenny) Dreizen is the COO and co-founder of Fresh Starts Registry, a modern-day etiquette and boundaries expert and the author of Simple Scripts to Support Your People: What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say.
