A friend of 20 years has been talking behind my back. How should I handle it? | Canada Voices

Real Talk is a new relationship advice column featuring questions from readers and answers from experts. Some details may be changed to protect the privacy of the people profiled. It is not a substitute for seeking professional psychological or medical advice.

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Our reader Maggie from Quebec writes:

My partner and I have been close friends with “Yvonne” for more than 20 years. I recently learned that Yvonne has been sharing information from private conversations the two of us have had with a larger group of friends. She has also told these friends that I wasn’t good enough for my partner or smart enough for him.

I’m shattered both by her betrayal of my privacy, and by her low opinion of me. I have shared this information with my partner, but I have not confronted Yvonne because I don’t want to do so over the phone or video. We now live in different parts of the country, so I rarely see her in person.

Yvonne has a very small circle of friends, and the same is true of my partner, so I don’t want to break up the important social bond they have with one another. However, I’m now very guarded and distant with Yvonne, and feel I am being fake by pretending we are still friends. How do I handle this without harming my partner’s friendship with her?

From the therapist: Parveer Brar, registered clinical counsellor with Parveer Brar Counselling, Vancouver

A 20-year friendship represents a significant investment of time, trust and emotional connection, which makes this particularly difficult to process. There are several dynamics at play here, so I will address them in three parts: protecting your well-being, considering your partner’s relationship with Yvonne, and exploring how you might approach a conversation with her.

To safeguard your own mental health, you will need to establish and maintain clear boundaries. In healthy friendships, personal and private information is respected, and there is an underlying sense of trust and loyalty. Given what has occurred, it may be helpful to reassess the role Yvonne currently plays in your life.

One way to do this is through an exercise I use with clients called “Your Three Circles.” Imagine three concentric circles. The inner circle includes those closest to you – people you trust deeply and feel safe sharing personal information with. The middle circle includes people you care about and interact with regularly, but have limits on how much you share. The outer circle represents acquaintances and more casual relationships, with whom you share very little.

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Reflecting upon where Yvonne fits within these circles can help you visualize the shift that has already taken place. This can guide how much access she has to your personal life moving forward. Creating this intentional distance may also help you feel less “fake,” and more aligned with the reality of the relationship.

You might also consider gradually reducing the frequency or depth of your communication. This can help reduce the emotional intensity of the relationship.

As for your partner’s relationship with Yvonne, you have already taken an important step by explaining to him how this situation has affected you. Kudos to you for taking their history with Yvonne into account and not placing demands on your partner’s friendships.

That said, it’s important that both of you recognize Yvonne is no longer a safe place to share personal information. Going forward, you might ask your partner to be mindful of what he shares about you and your relationship. Additionally, he can play a supportive role by setting boundaries of his own – for example, not tolerating critical or judgmental comments about you if they arise.

You mention that you would like to speak to Yvonne in person, which makes sense given the sensitivity of the situation. When the time is right to have a conversation, begin with a gentle opening – acknowledge the history of your friendship and your intention to speak honestly. Something like: “Given how long we’ve known each other, I think it’s important that we talk honestly about something that has been bothering me.”

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Then you can express your feelings but focus on your emotional experience rather than accusations. Using “I” statements can help reduce defensiveness. For example: “I’ve heard that private conversations have been shared, and some negative comments were made about me. I feel hurt and betrayed.”

Finally, you need to clarify your future needs. Be specific about what you would like to change. This may include expectations around privacy, respect and the nature of your future interactions.

If Yvonne becomes defensive, or acts offended, stay focused on your own experience rather than trying to prove the facts. The goal of the conversation is not to win an argument, but to express how this situation has affected you and to clarify where you now stand in the relationship. Remind her that you don’t mean to hurt or disrespect her, but feel it’s important to speak openly.

If she denies everything, then you need to make a tough decision. Ask yourself, does her response help rebuild trust or does it erode the relationship further? Often, a person’s willingness to listen, reflect and take some accountability signals the potential for repair. However, dismissal or defensiveness may be a sign that you need to make a complete break.

As told to Gayle MacDonald