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Illustration by Juliana Neufeld
At 73 years of age I have become a “we” after at least 10 years alone. I am still a bit stunned by the love and desire flowing my way.
Bob calls me “hot.” When I dress up a bit he calls me “lovely.” He is tall and well-built with muscles from playing baseball for 50 years, running marathons and working out. I am learning what it feels like to be really loved and appreciated.
One day, after feeling nothing new has happened to me in a long while, relying on just my own resources for too long and wanting to be touched again, I thought, I am ready for a partner: someone who can fix things, really care about me despite my flaws and facing old age. I needed smart – someone I could talk to – and funny, someone I could laugh with.
I met him – guess where? – online. What attracted me was his doctorate noted in the education column instead of “some high school,” which I have also seen.
My aunt taught me how to let life bruise you without losing yourself in the process
It turned out that Bob’s doctorate was in divinity and he had been a United Church Minister, retired for the past 10 years. I am Jewish (I wanted him to know right away in case it was an issue) and while I have not been religious, I take what I like from different cultures and practices. He still seemed to be thrilled with my smile, that I could put two sentences together and that I was self-aware. I liked that he is a spiritual person – and knew both testaments backward – telling me fascinating stories using them as metaphor rather than creed or instructions.
At the beginning, Bob said he did not want to live together or get married. It was just a year and a half since his second wife had died – he had lovingly taken care of her for many years and did all the household tasks. He was a bit afraid of committing to a deep relationship that will certainly end up in loss given our ages.
I was fine with that – having been in several long-term common-law relationships where mutual love was iffy.
There is a lot about Bob I am beginning to love although he seemed to have made up his mind about me from Day 1. On our first date he said, “I am going to court you and then I am going to woo you.” I was partly charmed by this but then a bit scared and also cynical, “Good luck with that!” I thought.
Well, he courted and wooed, and a year later we are engaged and renovating his house to both our tastes. Our love has deepened and at our age we try to work things through, being quite aware of our, at times, bad behaviour. He is a technology whiz, handy with building and rewiring, he is creative, full of life and joy, and romantic to boot. He loves sports and is the piano player in a band that entertains at seniors’ residences. I am still a bit stunned, but our wedding plans seem to delight all and sundry.
I have had two engagement parties, friends are offering to make the wedding cake, help me buy a dress – they ask me if I am going to have a shower.
I am not a blushing bride – having disdained the “bourgeois” institution of marriage in my feminist youth and feeling quite content to do what I wanted when I wanted. Now I am sharing and making joint decisions. And although this new arrangement is stretching me sometimes, I am softened by our love and care for one another. I am my own anthropological study. We have both lived through trials and tribulations – me with kidney cancer and two hip replacements, he with two heart attacks and a near-death bowel obstruction. But now we are happy and active.
In fact, we just bought a double inflated kayak after we had so much fun kayaking down the Colorado River to Emerald Cove during a trip last year. Bob has taught me that we have our 70s to travel and have adventures because we may not be so active in our 80s.
It’s an adjustment to use my retirement fund more liberally but he has also offered me security with his financial acumen. I feel blessed to have my last chapter filled with the excitement of travel, planning a wedding, moving into a new house that satisfies all our wants and meeting all kinds of new people.
Life can offer so many amazing rewards at any age.
Sara Berger lives in Edmonton.