Considering living with aging parents? Here are expert tips to help make it work | Canada Voices

Canada’s population is rapidly aging. The Globe and Mail’s Aging Well series explores the country’s longevity economy, how people are living healthier and happier lives as they age, and how to support older adults.

When Barb Anderson’s father asked her to move in with him in 2014, she needed time to think. He was 95 and living in a retirement home. She was 69, newly retired, active in their Guelph, Ont., community – and would be the youngest person in the building.

Still, there would be upsides. She could keep a closer eye on her father, and they would split the cost of a two-bedroom independent-living apartment. Eventually, she took the plunge.

She was glad she did.

Born in England, Anderson’s engineer father served as an air-raid warden during the Blitz of London during the Second World War. Over nightly drinks – scotch for him, wine for her – he began to talk about that time: meeting her mother, and watching German bombs ignite the night sky and reduce neighbourhoods to rubble.

“He just started to open up,” she said. Some of the memories were horrific, but she was grateful he shared them. For the first time, she felt she truly understood her father, and what had shaped him.

Living together, however, came with surprises.

“I still had my freedom. I was in the choir and belonged to a book club. I did everything I would have done otherwise,” she said. “But he would ask, ‘When are you going to be home?’ or say ‘I didn’t realize you were going to be this late.’” She laughed. “Sixty-nine and ninety-five – it doesn’t change does it?”

While Anderson’s situation was unusual, broader patterns around shared living have shifted in the years since. According to the 2021 census, 2.9 per cent of Canadian households were multigenerational, with at least three generations living under one roof. While still a small share overall, that represents an 8.6-per-cent increase from 2016 and a 21.2-per-cent increase since 2001.

Anthony Quinn, president of the Canadian Association of Retired Persons, said the change reflects multiple factors, including less affordable housing and higher immigration from countries where multigenerational living is common. Aging demographics also play a significant role. As Baby Boomers grow older, more families are opting to live together rather than depend on a complicated web of paid care or retirement facilities.

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Living together can benefit the adult child too. Brenda Rigney, 56, moved into her parents’ Vancouver basement apartment in January following a sudden breakup. She helps with practical tasks such as climbing a ladder to replace a smoke alarm, and they are just steps away when she needs a listening ear.

“There are moments of sadness,” said Rigney. “It’s nice to be able to go upstairs and know that somebody loves you, cares about you and has your back.”

Amy Coupal, chief executive officer of the Ontario Caregiver Association, acknowledges these clear benefits. Living together can build deeper family relationships while also giving caregivers peace of mind. It can also be more affordable than a retirement home.

Still, intergenerational living can introduce tensions families may be unprepared for. Luckily there are ways to prepare to live with an aging parent to avoid some proximity pitfalls.

Talk it out early

Set clear boundaries and expectations from the start. For instance, if Dad wants a ride to the grocery store, how much notice will you need? What if your teen decides to have friends over after school when Grandma is napping? Agree on ground rules in advance.

“A lot of younger people assume the grandparents are going to cook and clean and do child care,” said Laura Tamblyn Watts, chief executive officer of CanAge and author of Let’s Talk About Aging Parents. “Maybe they don’t mind doing some of it, but they didn’t sign up to be domestic servants.”

It’s also important to have these conversations early, said CARP’s Quinn – when the adult child turns 40 or when the aging parent hits 70.

“There’s no better time to figure out what the plan is than before something acute happens. Too often there’s a fall or a sudden decline in mental capacity, from dementia or Alzheimer’s,” he said. “That’s when people make bad or expensive decisions.”

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Don’t forget to create an escalation plan together too. As your parents’ needs increase, how will you all handle it? Hiring personal support workers to lessen your load, or exploring long-term facilities nearby? Have a Plan B … and also a Plan C.

Think outside the box (or guest room)

Worried about privacy and space? Consider creative options, said Tamblyn Watts. Urban families can opt for two units in the same condo or apartment building, while rural dwellers might choose to build a second home on their property. Creating a “granny suite” is an option and so is lane housing.

But in many cases, she added, you may not need to go that far.

“You take a dining room that nobody’s eaten in since 2003, you put barn doors on it and all of a sudden you’ve got a main floor accessible bedroom.”

Add a small shower to the nearby powder room and Dad is good to go.

Warm the pot

Moving an aging parent into a new community to live with adult children can be disorienting and even lead to cognitive decline, said Tamblyn Watts. When an older person moves away from their network of connections – the bank teller they know, the kid who shovels their snow or their aquafit friends – it’s easy to become untethered and lonely.

“These aren’t just important social connections, but they’re orienting connections. As you age, you navigate the world through networks of people,” she explained. “So it’s usually better for you to move to Mom.”

However, that’s not always an option, so instead, Tamblyn Watts recommends people “warm the pot” and create gradual exposure. Have the aging parent come visit the neighbourhood multiple times so they can find their favourite coffee shop, grocery store or community class. If they can develop friendships and familiarity with the neighbourhood in advance, it helps ease the transition and maintain their independence.