Coping with problems we can’t fix takes one step at a time | Canada Voices

Every Monday at noon, you will find Jon Hunter sitting in Bob Maunder’s office at Toronto’s Sinai Health.

The two psychiatrists, friends since medical school, have been keeping this appointment for more than 30 years.

Even during SARS and the COVID-19 lockdowns, they rarely missed their Monday meeting, this precious hour to share whatever was on their minds in a cone of safety and understanding. While coaching coping skills to burnt-out colleagues and anxious patients at Sinai, they helped each other remember their own lessons.

And so, when Dr. Maunder and Dr. Hunter, both University of Toronto professors, began trading pages for a book about coping, the importance of human connection – of asking for help and offering it – was central to their expert advice.

The result of their collaboration, Coping: Fix Problems, Find Meaning, Feel Better, out this month, reads like a timely therapy session filled with the practical homework for people overwhelmed with problems they can’t fix.

Good vibes everywhere, all the time? That’s the worst

The book covers the basics: eat your vegetables, get good sleep, practice mindfulness and gratitude, work on being more positive, spend time in nature.

But the authors let readers off the hook early: Effective coping, they suggest, sometimes means dumping the kale salad for a greasy burger. When Dr. Maunder and Dr. Hunter suggest “mobilizing your inner astronaut,” they mean setting goals that are specific and measurable – not making it to the moon.

By presenting the science, they show that no single coping strategy solves everything, and not all strategies work for everyone. Try new things, they suggest, but stick with what works.

So many self-help books give overly simplistic instructions. Dr. Hunter and Dr. Maunder make evidence-based suggestions – an approach that surely comes from collectively seeing how thousands of unique patients have responded in their individual ways to adversity.

Both doctors have specialized in providing psychiatric care to people diagnosed with serious illnesses. They know that the hardest coping challenge is living well with a terrible problem you can’t fix.

Dealing with stress is a timeless human challenge. But they wrote this book, “when the world demanded it,” recognizing that we are in an age when unfixable problems are piling up: war, tyranny, housing shortages, climate change, a looming hot summer with high forest-fire risk.

Those larger issues are a significant reason why rates of anxiety and depression are increasing, the doctors agree.

“But while we’re waiting for all those society-level fixes,” Dr. Maunder said, “individuals still need to know what to do.”

And to also know, says Dr. Hunter, that they can and find moments of joy, when faced with daunting problems.

For instance, they advise “indulging in meaningful distractions,” suggesting two-for-one activities, such as playing with your kids or cycling with a friend, that also add meaning to life. They give specific steps to ask for emotional help – be clear about what you need, keep your venting brief, express gratitude – as well as how to offer it – listen actively, limit cheerleading platitudes, and don’t overpromise what you can’t deliver in time and attention.

Giving and receiving support are two important coping strategies mentioned repeatedly in the book. “When you tell people how to help you, they are delighted,” Dr. Maunder said in the interview. “Maybe you don’t need a casserole. So, tell them you need the lawn mowed. They’ll be over in 10 seconds.”

Human connection fosters meaning, and helps people prioritize what they value, when life is most challenging. Dr. Hunter gives the example of a patient struggling with heart and respiratory issues, feeling anxious about forest-fire smoke forcing her indoors this summer, preventing her from visiting her elderly mother. Seeing mom now, when she is able, is an action, he said, “she can choose to do based on a value.”

“People gravitate to things like yoga and exercise and don’t think so much of getting out in the world,” said Dr. Maunder. Purposeful action is a form of coping, he said, even when there’s no guarantee your actions will make a difference.

Coping well with adversity, they write, “can reveal your best self.” But it’s not about winning or meeting healthy goals or making life perfect, they say. Face hard problems bravely when you’re strong enough. Focus on fun and distraction when you need to practise self-care.

Ultimately, they suggest, managing seemingly insurmountable problems is a step-by-step process, they propose.

“First, fix what you can, Second, do things to feel better about what you can’t fix. Finally, when all else fails, put your energy into things that matter.”