Dads, it’s okay to struggle and ask for help | Canada Voices

When my oldest daughter was a baby, my partner went for a much-needed night out. I was confident that I could handle things on my own for a few hours, but it wasn’t long before my daughter was crying inconsolably and I felt helpless. I didn’t think there was anyone I could turn to. Strike that: I didn’t think I should turn to anyone because I was a man, and I should have been able to handle it. By the time my partner returned, I felt as though I had been hit by a truck. More than that, I felt like a failure.

I have five children now, mostly all grown adults. And there have been many times in my 22 years as a father when I have felt something similar. More often than not, I made the conscious decision to suffer in silence. This is something that men do quite well. We feel like we are, or should be, capable of doing things alone. That, if we do not, it somehow makes us less masculine.

As a father, as a man, and as somebody who has devoted time to mental health awareness, I can tell you that this is more than just hubris; it is dangerous. There is a stark reality when it comes to men and mental health. Masculine norms reinforce isolation, and fathers often feel as though talking about life’s struggles or seeking support makes them weak – as dads and as men. The numbers back this up. Research shows 67 per cent of men in Canada are not seeking professional mental health support, despite high levels of stress and depression. And men account for roughly 75 per cent of all deaths by suicide in Canada.

We owe it to Canadian men and boys to prioritize their mental health

As men, it’s vitally important to be open about the difficulties we face, whether those difficulties are with mental health or the everyday challenges fatherhood presents – from dealing with a door slammed in your face to engaging in difficult conversations once those doors have been opened. Eventually, I wrote a book about my own struggles with anxiety and depression. I have also sought out and benefited from individual and group therapy. It was hard at first, but in the end, it was affirming and life-saving. I learned it’s okay to struggle and to need help from time to time – in life, of course, but particularly as a father. We hear so often about mothers’ groups, and that’s a great thing. How often have you heard about fathers’ groups? Fathers, just like mothers, need support. I would argue that we may need it even more.

Community offers support and a trusted space. Sharing our experiences as men, as fathers, can counteract the feelings of helplessness and loneliness that so many of us experience. Studies have shown that men who seek mental health care , for example by joining peer support groups, describe feeling less isolated and more understood.

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Dads: We have to redefine what we consider to be masculine, and we have to find community. For some people, this might mean seeking out therapy. For others, it might involve just talking honestly about what you’re going through to other people in your life. I’ve found this is healing and empowering. When fathers come together, the meaning of strength becomes redefined.

This can happen anywhere. If you’re a hockey dad, don’t just pre-game in the parking lot. Set times outside of the game schedule to hang out with one another and get into some deep conversations. It will be uncomfortable at first, but over time, it will become easier. Sometimes, it takes one person to open up for others to be able to do the same. Or maybe take the initiative to organize events for other dads in your neighbourhood. Have people over, hang out, talk; see where that talk leads. If you need an excuse, play some poker.

What’s important is dads finding a way to come together to share our successes and vulnerabilities, and to help one another through our struggles. Traditionally, it’s been hard for men to do this. It doesn’t have to be.

David A. Robertson is a two-time Governor-General’s Literary Award winner and has won the TD Canadian Children’s Literature Award and the Writers’ Union of Canada Freedom to Read Award. He is a member of Norway House Cree Nation and lives in Winnipeg.