Dear Sangita: My partner’s ex is sending me suspicious messages, Canada Reviews

Sangita Patel is Streets of Toronto’s advice columnist and was previously an entertainment reporter with ET Canada. She lives in Toronto with her husband and two daughters. 

Dear Sangita: My partner’s ex keeps sending me suspicious messages on Instagram, and I think she’s hinting at some unfavourable things about him. At first I ignored it, but now I’m getting too curious. Is this opening up a can of worms or is this potentially valuable information I need to know?— Ignorance is bliss?

Dear Bliss: It depends on how long you’ve been dating — if it’s a new relationship, I would want to know what the ex has to say; maybe I am with the wrong person! You may want to have a conversation with your partner first. If you ask about why they broke up and don’t really get an answer or they behave weirdly, that will tell you a lot about them. At that point, I would see what the ex has to say. It’s not great to go into a relationship feeling that your partner is a bad person. But I know part of your curiosity is wanting to know if there’s something you haven’t noticed in your partner that you should be aware of. That makes sense. 

If it’s a relationship where you’ve been together for a while, the conversation with your partner will look a little different. At this point, the two of you should know each other very well, and you should feel comfortable saying, “Hey, your ex keeps reaching out to me, and I’m curious why she wants to talk — what’s going on?” 

Dear Sangita: My wife and I recently decided to move my mother into our basement. I have always been fearful of her becoming the overbearing mother-in-law trope. Since she’s moved in, that’s exactly what she’s become. She criticizes our parenting, is always cleaning places we just cleaned as if we didn’t do a good enough job, etc. I’m starting to get fed up, and my wife is too, but I also feel like I have no options. I chose to move her in — how could I now ask her to move out? — Roommate regrets

Dear Regrets: I would ask her if she’s happy in the house, and give her the power to say if she would prefer to live on her own. If she says, “No, I love living with you guys, and I’m happy in the basement,” then you can talk about the things that are bothering you.

Older people sometimes feel like they have to prove their worth, and that’s what it seems like she’s doing. She hasn’t been overbearing before, but now she’s behaving this way almost to prove that she deserves to be there. So I think you can approach the conversation from that angle.

If the annoyances continue, you either let it go or you be up front about it. I remember when we had our first child, my mom said all the aunts and uncles are coming, and I said I didn’t want anybody at the hospital. I needed to take care of myself and my baby. She agonized over it at the time, saying she didn’t know what she would say to them, but I told her that it had nothing to do with her or them — it was about me and my child. And the second time we had a baby, that never happened. So if there are some boundaries you decide you need to set, you have to be prepared to deal with the drama to find a solution. 

Regardless of how the conversation goes, you made the decision to take her in — you cannot now send her out unless she decides she’d prefer to move out.

Have a question about love, relationships or life for Sangita? Send it to [email protected] or submit it here.

More from Sangita:

Dear Sangita: I snooped through my partner’s phone and I found something concerning. The question is: Do I go back into his phone to see if he’s still talking to people? Or do I admit to my boyfriend that I snooped and ask him straight out if he’s still using it?