One way to meet your match is by staying off your phone to create more opportunities to have conversations with strangers.GETTY IMAGES
After many years as a singleton, I’m getting married this September. Which guy-from-the-apps do you think is meeting me down the aisle? Is it:
a) The L.A. dude who’d gone to rehab for pathological lying about inconsequential matters.
b) The Vancouver prospect who, after spending a weekend together, mailed me a thank-you note and subsequently ghosted.
c) The FBI agent who’d routinely forget his wallet in the car.
d) The Harvard alum who sent a dirty text and, after my seething reply, said his friend did it.
The answer is, obviously, none of the above. I met my fiancé when he happened to sit next to me at a restaurant, which couldn’t have come at a better time. I’d been on the apps for a few years and believed there were no sane fish left in all of North America’s sea.
That was a few years ago – and more and more people are feeling the same way. Case in point: A 2024 study by Forbes Health found between 70 and 80 per cent of dating app users have experienced some level of dating app burnout. In addition, dating app downloads in America are down 16 per cent from their pandemic-era peak, according to mobile analytics provider data.ai.
“People are generally really frustrated,” says Lindsey Danisch, a Hamilton-based psychotherapist who specializes in romantic relationships. That frustration with dating apps comes down to two main reasons.
First, we often feel let down when potential partners don’t match the idealized version we built from their profiles. Second, the apps come with a ton of rejection and that can be hard to take. “We often don’t feel like app connections are real connections,” says Danisch – which helps explain why ghosting has become so common in the dating app era.
Ethan Stewart, a 34-year-old carpenter in Kincardine, Ont., sees the mismatch. “You get a sense of what someone’s like over the app, but when you meet them in person, it’s totally different – you just don’t vibe,” he says. After years of swiping, Stewart says he “never really clicked” with any of his dates. Eventually, he signed off the apps and met his current girlfriend of two years organically.
“People who feel app burnout want to be more cognizant of their in-person connections,” says Danisch. “If we’re meeting in person, we have more context of how to assess somebody based on things like how they carry themselves, how they talk to the person in front of them and where they hang out.” It’s this type of information that helps you figure out if you’ll have chemistry with them or not, which can help prevent disappointment.
Ethan Stewart, a 34-year-old carpenter in Kincardine, Ont., met his current girlfriend of two years organically.SUPPLIED
So how do you meet someone? Here are three ways:
Tap into your interests
Stewart met his current girlfriend doing what he loves. “We surfed together for a couple of years and we’d see each other in the lineup in the water,” he says. “I’d hear her loud, infectious laugh, which was what initially attracted me to her.” Their relationship deepened when Stewart started visiting the local surf shop where she worked. “We got talking there and I knew we were vibing well.”
Danisch says meeting someone through a shared activity works because “activities give us time to build the courage to have an IRL conversation and maybe take that to the next level.”
Plus, they help you put your best self forward.
“I talk a lot with my clients about how we have to be the person that we want to meet,” she says. “When we’re engaging in hobbies where we feel our best, whether we meet somebody or not, we’re aligned with our values and we’re doing things we enjoy.”
Change your routine
Danisch encourages her clients to visit new places, be on their own and stay off their phone to create more opportunities to have conversations with strangers.
“When you’re going to meet up with friends for dinner or a drink, go 20 minutes early and sit at the bar by yourself,” says Danisch. “It’s low risk because your friends are on their way – so it decreases your own anxiety and it’s a fun, flirty place to be.”
Be a Chatty Cathy
“I’m finding a big uptick in social anxiety in general with my clients,” says Danisch. Because we’re spending more time behind our phones (the average person spends almost seven hours on screens every day, and that number increases every year) many of us have lost the knack of small talk.
“Sometimes I’ll give my clients a homework assignment that they have to flirt with three people a day, whether they’re romantically interested in them or not,” she says. “It’s the idea of finding people to connect with and re-learning how to engage in small talk.”
In one particular dating slump of mine, I did this – I chatted up every man I was in close proximity to. This worked particularly well when I tried it in the elevator of my apartment building. I met five men. Sure, I only got one date (it didn’t go well), one Instagram follower and one LinkedIn request – but it was good practice for when I met my partner. Plus, it made the building a little friendlier for myself … when I wasn’t dodging Paul from across the hall.
