Here’s what happened when two advice columnists received the same letter, Canada Reviews

This month, Streets of Toronto and its print alter ego Post City Magazines’ advice column featured a question by a reader dealing with stubborn parents. The letter asked for advice on how to get help for their mom and stepdad, both of which are refusing home care or even the help of their own child as one recovers from major surgery and the other relies on them for full-time caregiving.

It’s a conundrum many can relate to, especially on the financial side — the question explained how they couldn’t afford to place their mother in a nursing home to recover, despite her request. Post City Magazines’ advice columnist, Sangita Patel, offered up some of her own personal experience with aging parents, and advised the advice-seeker to bring her stepsiblings into the conversation, noting that all of this is too much for one person to manage on their own.

“The fact that your mom is saying she wants to go away to her own nursing home suggests to me that she knows she needs help and can’t be caring for your stepdad at the same time. She may just not be ready to admit that to you yet — that’s something I have experience with as my mom has taken on the role of full-time nurse for my dad and is still hesitant to ask for help . . . At the end of the day, when and if your mom needs help, she will ask. All you can do is let her know that you are there for her if she needs it. 

What you can do now is get your stepsiblings involved. Lay out the situation for them, and see if you can work anything out — it’s completely fair for you to ask them if they can go visit your mom and their dad. I know you say they haven’t done this in the past, but now that both your parents are sick, now is the time to say, we need to work as a team to help them out.” 

Days after publication, we received a note from one of our readers about the question — not regarding the contents of the letter, but rather about whether the letter was real at all.

Dear Sangita, 

I have often wondered whether the letters in your column and other advice columns were real. After all, if you really have a dilemma you need help with, are you going to write to a newspaper or magazine in the hope that your letter will be published and replied to, especially in a timely manner?

In any case, imagine my surprise when I read a letter in the Toronto Star column “Dear Lisi” on Thursday, Oct. 31, and then by complete coincidence saw virtually the same letter in your column in the November 2024 issue of the Post. The one in the Post was a slightly edited down version, and the replies by you and Lisi were different.

I really enjoy reading the advice columns, but I wonder if these letters are written by some sort of agency or freelance writer. How was it possible that the same letter was published on practically the same day in two different Toronto publications? It seems very odd.

We went to Streets of Toronto’s advice editor, as well as advice columnist Sangita herself, for an explanation. 

Since beginning this column over a year ago, we’ve been receiving anonymous questions every month through our Google form or to our advice email, and we select a few to publish in each issue of the magazine.  I can see why you would be suspicious of almost the same question being published in two of Toronto’s advice columns, but I can assure you that Sangita independently received and responded to this plea for help — she confirmed with us that she and Lisi Tesher have never even met!

We don’t verify the identities of those who write into Dear Sangita, in the interest of anonymity that allows readers dealing with sensitive situations to feel comfortable writing in.  But the letter was real, meaning Sangita did truly receive this email and did not make it up. I suspect that the question you refer to was sent not just to our email, but also the emails of a few other advice columnists in the city (and maybe beyond). We don’t ask that advice-seekers submit to just one column at a time, and given the pressing nature of the question at hand, it’s understandable to us that this writer would have asked multiple columnists for advice out of concern that one of us might not have responded in a timely manner.

You note in your email that Sangita and Lisi’s replies were different, and we believe that’s a testament to the value of advice columns. We hope, and I’m sure the Toronto Star would agree, that the advice-seeker took something useful from each response, and we’re glad they were able to hear from more than one person — even if it may have confused a few readers! — Julia Mastroianni

You can read our advice in full here, and Lisi Tesher’s response here.