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Want to be that person everyone gravitates toward? The person in the group with that *something special* that everyone just can’t get enough of? While high school movies might have you believe popularity is all about status and superficial charm, experts say true magnetism comes from something much deeper—the ability to make others feel valued, understood and included. So, if you’re wondering how to be popular, you’re in the right place.
“Being popular isn’t about standing out—it’s about connection,” explains psychotherapist Amber Young, LPC, founder of Cope & Calm Counseling. “People are drawn to kindness, empathy and authenticity because these qualities make us feel valued and connected.”
This science-backed approach to popularity isn’t about perfectly curated social media feeds or being the life of every part—it’s about fostering genuine relationships and creating an environment where others feel seen and supported. And yes, it’s something you can learn.
Read on for tips and tricks from top psychologists about how to become popular and attract friends—you deserve it!
Related: ‘I’ve Been a Behavior Psychologist for 10 Years, Here Are the 2 Best Tricks To Avoid Being ‘Socially Awkward’
What Makes Someone Popular?
“Popularity is related to how comfortable, valued and included you make others feel around you,” says Dr. Dakari Quimby, a clinical psychologist for Sleep Advisor.
According to Dr. Betsy Chung, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert at RAW dating app, popularity can look different at various life stages (from playground prowess to community involvement), but one trait remains consistently attractive: “kindness and optimism.”
“Humans generally seek experiences that make them feel good and comfortable, so naturally they’re more drawn to people that are friendly and approachable,” Dr. Chung says.
How To Be Popular: 21 Tips, According to Psychologists
1. Practice Active Empathy
Dr. Sham Singh, a psychiatrist with a holistic approach to mental health at WINIT Clinic, says popular people “possess a high degree of empathy toward other people, which helps them get along with almost all kinds of individuals.”
He believes that by active listening and giving someone your full attention, you can build a real connection.
2. Master Authenticity
“Be yourself,” Dr. Singh shares. “[Popular people] are not pretending to be that which they are not, which makes their interactions more real and trustworthy.”
Young adds that authenticity means “sharing your real opinions instead of always agreeing with others and don’t hide your quirks—they’re what make you unique.”
3. Show Genuine Kindness
“Kindness is showing care for others,” says Young. “Start small—smile at a stranger, hold the door for someone, or check in on a friend who seems down.”
Dr. Susan Trotter, Ph.D.—a relationship, dating and divorce coach with a doctorate in Clinical Psychology—adds that this trait can be cultivated by “practicing empathy and looking for opportunities to connect with others.”
Related: 9 Signs You Might Be Considered ‘Unapproachable,’ According to Psychologists
4. Project Confidence
“People believe them, respect them and even adore them,” explains Dr. Singh about confident individuals. “It might start by being confident, such as with self-concepts, setting and achieving personal goals and practicing things at which one excels.”
5. Maintain a Positive Attitude
According to Dr. Quimby, “People are more drawn to those who have a good outlook on life. Have a more positive attitude by focusing on solutions, having gratitude and handling problems lightly.”
6. Practice Active Listening
“Good listening means giving full attention to someone speaking,” Young advises. “Put your phone down, make eye contact and ask, ‘What happened next?'”
7. Show Reliability
“Trustworthy people are more liked because you can depend on them,” says Dr. Quimby. “Become more reliable by keeping your promises, being punctual and consistent with your actions.”
8. Use Humor Effectively
Dr. Singh shares that “a good sense of humor can make a person quite memorable and enjoyable to hang around. Popular people know how to use humor to lighten up situations and connect with other people.”
9. Display Generosity
According to Dr. Trotter, “Being generous goes along with being kind and empathic. Popular people might be generous with their money or gifts but they might also show generosity with their time and their care of others.”
10. Cultivate Social Intelligence
“Socially intelligent people adapt their communication style to suit different contexts and individuals,” explains Dr. Jasmine Reed, a licensed psychologist and the founder of Ubuntu Psychological Services. “They balance talking with active listening, ensuring interactions are meaningful and enjoyable.”
Related: 12 Common Habits of People With High Emotional Intelligence, According to Psychologists
11. Practice Inclusivity
Dr. Quimby emphasizes that “making everyone feel welcome and valued…” is very important.
“Be inclusive by inviting new people into your group, paying attention to those who might feel left out and valuing others’ views,” Dr. Quimby says.
12. Show Adaptability
“Popular people move with ease in various social settings,” notes Dr. Singh. “They are flexible to easily fit into the mood of any person from any walk of life.”
13. Demonstrate Patience
Young advises, “Patience is staying calm when things take time. If a friend is late, use the time to text someone or scroll through music for your playlist.”
14. Express Gratitude
“Gratitude is appreciating what you have,” says Young. “Write thank-you notes or tell a teacher, ‘I learned a lot in class today—thanks!'”
Related: 120 ‘Thank You’ Quotes and Messages To Share Your Appreciation
15. Show Forgiveness
Young says, “Forgiveness is letting go of resentment. If a friend apologizes for snapping at you, accept it and move forward.”
16. Practice Open-Mindedness
“When someone shares an idea you don’t agree with, say, ‘That’s interesting—tell me more,'” suggests Young.
17. Maintain Good Boundaries
Dr. Chung notes that “people with good boundaries tend to be popular because they’re confident and there’s no question about what their expectations are.”
18. Show Accountability
“If you forget to do your part in a project, admit it and make a plan to fix it,” advises Young about being accountable.
19. Display Charisma
Dr. Trotter explains that “being charismatic is a sure trait of a popular person. It typically means you are charming, good at conversation, adept at making people feel good about themselves and confident.”
20. Practice Resilience
“Resilience is bouncing back after challenges,” says Young. “If you make a mistake, talk to a loved one about ways to improve and try again.”
21. Be Well-Rounded
Dr. Trotter suggests that “having a wide range of interests can make someone popular. It also allows you to carry a wide range of conversation and to connect with many different people.”
Related: 14 Tiny Behavior Tweaks That Make People Respect You More, According to Psychologists
How To Become Popular Fast
According to the experts, while genuine popularity takes time to develop, there are several ways to make the magic happen faster. Dr. Quimby advises being “more active in social and public events to become more recognized.” He is big on the importance of “facilitating networking” to position yourself as a major player in your circles.
“Focus on making others feel good,” suggests Young. “Research shows that people are drawn to kindness, authenticity and a genuine interest in their lives. Smile often, listen carefully and offer compliments or encouragement—they’re small gestures with big impact.”
Dr. Reed also has a three-pronged approach:
1. ‘Cultivate Expertise’
“Choose an area of interest or skill you’re passionate about and deepen your knowledge.”
2. ‘Expand Your Network’
“Step out of your comfort zone and engage with new communities or groups aligned with your interests.”
3. ‘Strengthen Existing Relationships’
“Celebrate others’ milestones, check in regularly and offer support during tough times.”
Dr. Singh says above all, it’s about one thing—authenticity.
“Do not try to impress people by telling them tall stories or showing them fake personalities,” Dr. Singh explains. “Be relatable and approachable, allowing people to see the real you. Improve your communication skills through active listening and a genuine interest in other people’s lives.”
Up Next:
Related: If You Use These 8 Unexpected Phrases, You Have Higher Self-Confidence Than Most, Psychologists Say
Sources:
- Amber Young, LPC, psychotherapist and founder of Cope & Calm Counseling
- Dr. Dakari Quimby, clinical psychologist for Sleep Advisor
- Dr. Betsy Chung, clinical psychologist and relationship expert at RAW dating app
- Dr. Sham Singh, psychiatrist with a holistic approach to mental health at WINIT Clinic
- Dr. Susan Trotter, Ph.D., relationship, dating and divorce coach with a doctorate in Clinical Psychology
- Dr. Jasmine Reed, licensed psychologist and the founder of Ubuntu Psychological Services
