How to turn a relationship breakdown into a breakthrough | Canada Voices

Most people fear failure in their relationships. Conflict, infidelity, separation – these are all seen as worst-case scenarios when it comes to marriage. But author and psychoanalyst Stephen Grosz offers a different perspective: Instead of crises to be avoided, he suggests these moments of breakdown can be opportunities to create stronger, closer bonds than ever before.

This idea is at the heart of Grosz’s new book Love’s Labor, published on Feb. 10, which recounts the stories of many of his patients over the past 35 years, all of whom are struggling in their relationships. There’s a woman who can’t bring herself to mail out her wedding invitations, a man who is paranoid and convinced his loving wife is being unfaithful, and a woman who over-gives to her loved ones but cannot accept their care in return.

In each of these instances, Grosz works to help his patients see things more clearly so that they might turn their seemingly insurmountable obstacles into something better.

“You’re going to have a breakdown in your relationship at some point, you’re going to fail,” said Grosz, who is American but has lived in London for many years. “There will be suffering and there will be pain because you’re two human beings. But if you’re able to listen to each other and face it together, then you’ve got a much better chance.”

The Globe and Mail spoke to Grosz about his new book and the labour he says real love requires.

How would you describe the concept of love’s labour?

 Having done this job for a long time, you see that people deceive themselves about love – the who, the what, the why. But we also have the power to undo self-deception. So, as I say in the book, I believe the labour is the work we have to do to clearly see ourselves and the people we love. It’s our attempt to join the world as it is – not as we imagine or wish it to be, or fear that it is – but just as it really is.

Why do you think so many people struggle to do this?

 We struggle with it because we bring so many hopes and dreams and desires and fears out of childhood. There are things we want that perhaps we can’t find. We have unrealistic expectations of people we love. We even have unrealistic fears about people we love, so we don’t trust them when they actually are trustworthy. We’re kind of built that way.

 Also, there are things we desire and long for, but to get them we have to let go of things that we already love. Loss is a huge part of love from my point of view. Life is a series of necessary losses that people don’t want to see.

 In your book, many of the cases reveal how important it can be to reflect on our early relationships to have positive, healthy relationships later on. Why is that work so important?

The more you’re able to reflect and understand who you are and see yourself clearly, the more you’ll be able to understand how you love or why you’re unhappy in love. For example, in the story about Sophie in the book, she’s actually quite unhappy in her marriage in many ways. And one of the things we realized was that there was a lot of unhappiness in her early life.

Though intellectually she would’ve said, ‘I really want to be happy and in love,’ she was more familiar with unhappiness and therefore unhappiness was safer. Distance and difficulty in relationships were actually more home to her.

 One of the central themes of the book is this idea that a relationship breakdown can be an opportunity for a breakthrough. Why do you think so many people default to thinking their relationship must end in these moments?

Quite often, people don’t divorce because of the other person. They often separate because they don’t like who they have become. So the man who cheated on his wife is now revealed and ashamed of himself, and he may want to end the relationship out of guilt and humiliation, because he doesn’t want to be “the cheat.” And then the wife may hear herself screaming and feel ashamed as well.

When couples come to me in this state, they think I’m going to give them the name of a good divorce lawyer. But I usually say, ‘This is really great. Everything’s out in the open. This is a real opportunity for a breakthrough. But if you try to paper over this moment and pretend it’s all going to be fine and not face why this happened, it’s not going to work.’ There has to be a love’s labour. There has to be real honesty. They have to stop lying to each other.

That moment, to me, is often the beginning of marriage. Up until that point, they’ve had a kind of legal marriage, but they haven’t had a psychological marriage.

Why do these difficult situations provide such an opportunity for growth?

They provide the chance to get out from behind the wall you’ve created with your story and see the other person’s story. That’s hard because you have to give up your arrogance, your feelings of superiority, and start listening. You may have to look at yourself and see things that are really unpleasant and accept them and hear what the other person’s saying. Once you do, that can be the beginning of a real marriage – and really being honest and close.

This interview has been edited and condensed.