Sangita Patel is Streets of Toronto’s advice columnist and was previously an entertainment reporter with ET Canada. She lives in Toronto with her husband and two daughters.
Dear Sangita: My family accidentally added me to a group chat, one specifically devoted to complaining about me. What I discovered shocked me. They were tearing apart my life choices and seemed to very actively use this chat. They realized their mistake pretty quickly and removed me, but since then, they’ve barely apologized and mostly act like it’s a funny joke. How do I move on? — Betrayed by the group chat
Dear Betrayed: I will admit that if my brother is not in the room, my sister and I are going to be talking about him. And I also know that if I’m not in the room my brother and sister are going to be talking about me! But there’s a big difference between a constant text thread criticizing your family member versus a one-and-done discussion while your sibling is running errands.
I think it’s fair to say to them, “I don’t appreciate you doing this, and if you’re going to talk about me, do it in person.” It also may be worth acknowledging and discussing whatever they were saying about you in the thread and getting it all out in the open. If they were doing things like criticizing your career or your dating life, you can put it all out in the open and tell them, “This is my choice, this is what I wanted to do, and it’s making me happy so it’s time for you all to accept it.”
The silver lining here is that sometimes it’s hard to bring up these kinds of difficult discussions with family, because you don’t want to cause chaos or hurt anyone. But now that this is out there, this is your opportunity to take advantage of — and who knows, you may end up with a more open and communicative relationship with your family.
Dear Sangita: My boyfriend hasn’t asked me to marry him, and we’ve been living together for five years. I never want to pressure anyone to do anything, but other than ending it, what option do I have? — Waiting On Engagement
Dear WOE: You and your boyfriend have been living together for five years, so you’re already common law — you’re already winning! I don’t know why you would give yourself that ultimatum — relationships aren’t all or nothing. You have to have a real conversation about the future with him. If you’re scared to bring it up, that should ring some alarm bells for you. If you’re that close, if this is your partner for life, why would you be nervous talking to him about this?
I dated my husband for six years before we got married. It was an evolution: we knew we were life partners, but I never brought up the idea of marriage until it felt right. It was probably in our fourth year dating when we had a discussion about the future. It wasn’t that we sat down and talked about marriage, it was more discussing things like kids and where we’ll want to be when we’re 40. Having a conversation like that may give you some comfort that you’re both in this together.
Have a question about love, relationships or life for Sangita? Send it to [email protected] or submit it here.
More from Sangita:
Dear Sangita: I snooped through my partner’s phone and I found something concerning. The question is: Do I go back into his phone to see if he’s still talking to people? Or do I admit to my boyfriend that I snooped and ask him straight out if he’s still using it?
Dear Sangita: I’m engaged to a married man. He was supposed to have mailed in the paperwork before he proposed to me, but I found out after that some documents were missing when he did. Was I wrong for calling off the wedding?
Dear Sangita: My New Year’s resolution is to break up with my awful boyfriend and start dating his best friend! His best friend is just a much better fit for me. Neither of us have acted on it, but I want to. How do I do this without breaking up their friendship?
