I don’t want to be friends any more, but I feel guilty. How do I walk away? | Canada Voices

Real Talk is a relationship advice column featuring questions from readers and answers from experts. Some details may be changed to protect the privacy of the people profiled. It is not a substitute for seeking professional psychological or medical advice.

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Our reader Katie from Toronto writes:

There is a person in my life that I don’t want to be friends with any more. In the beginning, it didn’t bother me that there were many ways in which we were different. However, over the last few years, I’ve realized I don’t feel happy after we’ve spent time together. She doesn’t understand me and she is a bad listener. Speaking to her on the phone feels like a chore to get over with.

I have drifted from other friendships from lack of contact, but never with intentionality, and I worry this might not be a very nice thing to do. However, it feels less mean than going out of my way to tell her I want to end the friendship. My gut tells me the relationship has run its course, but I feel guilty. How do I handle this?

From the therapist: Samantha Gordon, registered psychotherapist and founder of Judy’s Toronto Therapy.

Ending a friendship is never an easy thing. It’s something many people experience, and yet, it’s rarely talked about. While we often hear about the end of romantic relationships, friendships can be just as meaningful, and ending one can bring up many of the same emotions.

You seem torn between two options: allowing the friendship to fade naturally or having a direct conversation. Before deciding which path feels right, I encourage you to first understand what your guilt may be trying to tell you.

Guilt is a complex emotion involving feelings of responsibility, blame and remorse. It often arises when we believe we have done something wrong or fallen short of our own values. But like any emotion, guilt is neither good nor bad. It can encourage us to reflect on our actions, but it is not always an accurate indicator that we have done something wrong.

If you notice guilt when your friend calls, pause and ask yourself what thoughts and emotions are present. Do you feel resentful? Drained? Unimportant? Disappointed? The more specific you can be about what you’re feeling, the more information those emotions can provide.

Next, ask yourself whether your guilt is connected to a real offence or an imagined one. Have you acted against your values or are you assuming you have? Sometimes, cognitive distortions can make imagined offences feel very real. For example: “If I don’t answer the phone, I’m a bad friend.” Is that a fact or an opinion?

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Another common distortion is emotional reasoning: “I feel like a terrible person, therefore I must be a terrible person.” Our emotions provide valuable information, but they are not always evidence. Taking time to separate facts from feelings can help you decide whether your guilt reflects your values or your fears.

You mentioned that it feels “less mean” to stop responding than to tell your friend you no longer want to be friends. That tells me you’ve already considered how your decision may affect her. Rather than asking which option feels less mean, I wonder if it would be more helpful to ask which option is most consistent with your values.

There isn’t one right way for every friendship to end. Some friendships naturally fade over time, while others benefit from an honest conversation, particularly when the other person is likely to be confused or hurt by a sudden change. The goal isn’t to choose the option that eliminates guilt. The goal is to choose the one that best reflects the kind of friend and person you want to be.

Even after you’ve made your decision, feelings of guilt may still arise. Healthy boundaries often disappoint other people, but their disappointment does not automatically mean your boundary was wrong. If guilt lingers, ask yourself: What are the healthy reasons I’m making this decision? What are the costs of not making it? What would I tell a friend in my position?

You cannot make everyone happy all the time, and trying to do so often comes at the expense of your own well-being. Learning to tolerate the discomfort that sometimes accompanies healthy boundaries is a skill that becomes easier with practice. Over time, the goal is not to eliminate guilt altogether, but to recognize when it deserves your attention and when it doesn’t.

As told to Gayle MacDonald. Responses have been edited and condensed.