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Sangita Patel is Streets of Toronto’s advice columnist and was previously an entertainment reporter with ET Canada. She lives in Toronto with her husband and two daughters.
Dear Sangita: I snooped through my partner’s phone and I found something concerning. I’ve had this feeling for a while that he might be cheating, and curiosity got the better of me, and I looked through it and found a dating app on his phone. I don’t know if he’s using it because I didn’t have enough time to check his messages. The question is: Do I go back into his phone to see if he’s still talking to people? Or do I admit to my boyfriend that I snooped and ask him straight out if he’s still using it? — Amateur detective
Dear Detective: I wish you had some evidence! It’s not going to look good on you if you confront him because all he’s going to say is that he downloaded the app in the past and he hasn’t used it in a long time, whether that’s true or not.
The truth is, whenever someone starts snooping, that’s an indication that there’s something off in the relationship. Intuition is always really strong. Listen to it because there’s something else going on that made you want to do that. You should be able to trust your partner, but you felt something was off. There are signs. if you’re next to your partner and if they have their phone and they’re hiding it or they walk away or there’s evidence that they don’t want you to see what they’re doing on their phone, those are all indications.
So this is a conversation you should have — I don’t think you should accuse him of having a dating app. It’s more talking about how your relationship is doing and how he’s feeling about it. It’s unavoidable that you’re going to be paranoid now after seeing what you’ve seen, so you need to have that conversation — not even about cheating, but about the relationship as a whole.
Dear Sangita: I’ve been keeping tabs on my ex’s new girlfriend, and now I think we’ve become friends — but she doesn’t know that I’m his ex. I’m the kind of person who likes to keep a close eye on my exes, following them on my fake account on social media. But I recently ran into the new girlfriend more than a few times and we’ve struck up a casual friendship. I feel like if she finds out who I really am, she’ll freak out, but I really like her and want to stay friends! What do I do? — Obsessed with my ex
Dear Obsessed: This whole thing is bad. It’s all just sad. You first need to get over your obsession with your exes. The way you approached this relationship is already disastrous because you can’t be friends — she’s going to find out the truth, and it’s going to be a disaster, and your friendship is going to break up. It’s not like you guys are best friends. It’s casual. So no, no to all of it. You need to forget about all of this and actually work on yourself.
Logistically, being friends with your ex’s new girlfriend is going to really affect you — you’ll be hearing her talking about her boyfriend, your ex, all the time and that can’t be healthy for you. You need to cut ties. It’s not good for you mentally. You’re trying to find a reason to say you should be friends with her, but there are none, absolutely none.
Have a question about love, relationships or life for Sangita? Send it to [email protected] or submit it here.
More from Sangita:
Dear Sangita: I just started dating someone new, and I found out he slept with my sister in the past. I really like him, but this is really bothering me, and I’m finding it hard to see a future with him now. Am I overreacting?
Dear Sangita: My friend is obsessed with her dog, and it’s getting to be too much. She invites us all to her dog’s birthday parties, and she often will turn down invites from us because she “needs” to stay with her dog. I’ve spent a lot of money on gifts for this dog and I’m tired of it. Am I being unfair?
Dear Sangita: My New Year’s resolution is to break up with my awful boyfriend and start dating his best friend! His best friend is just a much better fit for me. Neither of us have acted on it, but I want to. How do I do this without breaking up their friendship?
