I went on dates in Toronto, Vancouver, and Montreal — one city is clearly the worst, Life in canada

Montreal

Best for: Your Sex and the City chapter

Worst for: Your Stepford Wife chapter

According to Anthony Bourdain and me, Montreal is the best city in Canada.

Something about Montreal is very cinematic, and I think it extends to the dating scene as well. Montreal has a je ne sais quoi atmosphere that feels like its own aphrodisiac.

Nobody in Montreal wants to “grab a quick coffee and go for a walk”. They wanna get drunk. And smoke cigs. And try that new restaurant with a long waitlist that only has four wobbly bistro tables on the side of the road.

This is what I want. Nay, need.

If you call movies “cinema”, subscribe to Criterion, and think A24 has actually lost the plot, Montreal will be healing to you. If you’re not the kind of person who wants to be married with kids before 30 — or even 40 — it’s Montreal for you. If you actively want to love-bomb and be love-bombed (guilty) — Montreal is the place.

And BTW speaking about love-bombing, it’s actually very chic, and I want more of it. Because it takes one to know one, ladies.

Moving to Berlin will probably come up. They will probably talk about applying for their European citizenship (they probably never will — his word is NOT his bond, and that’s ok. You’re not looking for a husband. You’re looking for a fun story that just reminds you you’re young and alive.

Note: The Montreal man comes in three categories: 1) The Anglophone creative: restaurant job, earring, tote bag, and getting his rent subsidized by his parents. He expires after three Saturdays. 2) The Francophone: will introduce you to his friends on the first date, his mom via FaceTime on the second and still have no interest in going out for a third. 3) The Anglophone Marketing/Business/Finance Guy: And all you need to know about him is that he should be in Toronto.

Toronto

Best for: Marrying the man your mom would approve of.

Worst for: Feeling alive.

If Montreal makes you feel forever young, Toronto makes you feel like you were never young. Dating here feels like the least exciting thing on your to-do list. There are vague reminders everywhere that time is running out (even when it’s not).

Toronto is the city I’d choose if I wanted to get married, have kids, and spend the rest of my life explaining my credit card statements to a man I call my husband.

The first kind of guy that comes to mind is the Bay Street guy. Law, finance, private equity — some job where he wears a blue suit and is trying to make partner. And look, we all get the appeal. He has a real job and a healthy relationship with OpenTable. Time is money, and we’re not spending it by waiting on a walk-up waitlist for some new restaurant that doesn’t have tablecloths on the table.

It’s Don Alfonso 1890 or bust.

And unlike the Vancouver man, who will spend six consecutive weekends with you and still have you in his phone as “Rachel Blarney Stone”, the Toronto guy does seem genuinely interested in building a life with someone. Maybe not you specifically. But someone.

Then there’s the Toronto creative. If he’s born-and-raised, there’s a decent chance he went to Etobicoke School of the Arts (shout out to my first BF). Christmas is in September. Because that’s when TIFF is. He is pulling every string to get into the Four Seasons after-party — or the SoHo House one. He’s never not applying for government grants… and yet, he’s never getting them.

He’s unfortunately less fun than the Montreal creative and definitely doesn’t have as cool an apartment, but he has something else: the promise of a future.

Even though dating in Toronto isn’t necessarily exciting, it is intentional. Dating app conversations that last for more than a few back-and-forth messages are likely to turn into a real date.

There’s no arrested development here. In fact, it feels like maybe the whole city grew up too fast.

Vancouver

Best for: Freezing your eggs.

Worst for: Pretty much everything else.

Vancouver is the worst of the three because it’s somehow the most cursed combination of Toronto and Montreal.

It has Montreal’s unemployed DJ/creative/”industry” guy — but without the charm, fun, or style. And it has Toronto’s family money, finance-adjacent ambition, and “one day I’ll be in investments” energy — but without the intention, stability, or desire to actually lock anything down.

So instead of getting a hot, emotionally unstable Francophone creative, who at least takes you to a sexy natural wine bar and love-bombs you for 11 days, you get a GASTOWN GUY who DJs Fortune once a month, wears Le Labo Santal 33, and is somehow going to end up working for his dad in private wealth management by 36.

As a born-and-raised Vancouverite, that’s how I see it. The right way.

Vancouver men are uniquely dangerous because they all have the Peter Pan chaos of MTL with all the entitlement of TO. They want the freedom of being an artist, the salary of a finance bro, and the effort level of a man asking if you’d be down to “meet up in Yaletown” after weeks of DMing.

If Toronto is where men grow up too fast, and Montreal is where they never grow up at all, Vancouver somehow found a way to do both. It’s a city full of men who still act 24, but with vague reminders that one day they’ll inherit a commercial property and start looking into buying bankrupt businesses to avoid taxes.

My advice… Victoria > Vancouver.