Humans are social creatures. Even introverts generally thrive in a community where they can interact at their own pace. Losing people close to us—through death, moving or a break-up—can be challenging and trigger a grieving process. However, some individuals are so petrified that the rug will be ripped out from under them and take all their loved ones (or their favorite person) with it. Psychologists say this feeling is a hallmark of fear of abandonment.
“A fear of abandonment is an intense emotional response characterized by distress at the thought of being rejected, left alone, judged or losing a significant relationship,” explains Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist with Duality Psychological Services. “This fear often stems from early life experiences, such as neglect, loss or inconsistent caregiving, and can influence a person’s behavior and how they interact in relationships.”
While “fear of abandonment” is not a clinical diagnosis, he says that people who suffer from it often also have issues with self-esteem and maintaining boundaries in their work and personal lives. This concern can occupy a significant real estate in a person’s mind, but they may express the quiet parts out loud (even if it’s just to themselves in the mirror). If these 14 phrases are familiar to you, psychologists reveal that there’s a good chance you have a fear of abandonment. They also share advice on coping and healing from this fear.
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14 Phrases That People With a Fear of Abandonment Often Say, According to Psychologists
1. “I always get too attached.”
Dr. Crystal Saidi, Psy.D., a psychologist with Thriveworks, reveals this phrase is something of a red herring.
“What this phrase actually means is, ‘I’m scared I love more than they do,'” she shares. “You may rush emotional intimacy to feel secure quickly, but then panic when it is not reciprocated at the same pace.”
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2. “People always leave.”
People with a fear of abandonment often have a strong history of people leaving. However, they can get stuck in the past and sabotage a brighter future.
“When you use this phrase, you may be repeating old narratives from childhood or early relationships,” Dr. Saidi says. “Sometimes, you may even unconsciously test people to prove your belief is right.”
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3. “What are you thinking? Are you angry?”
One psychologist notes that overthinking is a common thread among people who are scared of being abandoned.
“This phrase means that there is a fear that they are angry at us and are planning to get out of the relationship,” points out Kaja Sokola, CP, LPC, a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist.
Related: Quiet the Anxiety in Your Head—20 Best Ways To Stop Overthinking
4. “I’m fine.”
This two-word sentence becomes an issue when it’s a lie, which Dr. Saidi warns is often the case.
“It is a shutdown defense,” she reports. “Adults with a fear of abandonment would rather go numb than risk vulnerability. They have learned that emotions might scare people away.”
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5. “If you really knew me, you would change your mind.”
Some people who are terrified at the prospect of rejection would prefer to rip the Band-Aid off.
“This phrase is intended to scare people away so they won’t have a chance to leave later,” Sokola says. “Instead, they will go now, before we get too close.”
However, it tees up a self-fulfilling prophecy that wasn’t necessarily written in the stars but engineered by a person’s unresolved fear of abandonment.
6. “I have had bad experiences in the past, so I don’t let people get close to me.”
Sokola says this phrase could be a valid representation of a person’s lived experiences. Still, it can snuff out sparks in relationships before two people get a chance to kindle—all over a fear of potentially getting burned.
“Saying this at the beginning of a relationship indicates the need to push someone we care about away, so that we won’t get hurt if they leave,” she notes.
Related: People With Unresolved Childhood Trauma Often Develop These 15 Traits as Adults, a Psychologist Says
7. “I don’t need anyone.”
Dr. Frank says people use this phrase as a shield to protect themselves from their deep-seated terror over being left alone.
“It is a protective facade to avoid getting hurt,” he explains.
Unfortunately, it does nothing to build the connection a person is so desperately and understandably seeking.
8. “I don’t trust easily.”
Dr. Saidi reports that people who are afraid of abandonment are often also worried about emotional betrayal.
“These individuals crave intimacy but also fear it intensely,” she says. “These trust issues are not really about others, but about past wounds that are still unhealed.”
Related: Psychologists Say These 9 Habits Make You Seem Insecure Without Realizing It
9. “Why didn’t you call/text me back right away?”
Dr. Frank explains that people with abandonment issues often find delayed communication triggering.
“Silence can feel like emotional withdrawal,” he shares.
10. “Are you sure you are not attracted to other people?”
Jumping into a relationship is vulnerable even for people who don’t have an immobilizing fear of abandonment. However, this question is common among people who do struggle with it.
“It can be seen as pushy and a lack of self-confidence, but it’s all about fear of abandonment,” Sokola says.
Related: Psychologist Warns 3 Subtle Signs Your Relationship May Be Over
11. “Do you promise we’ll always stay close?”
Dr. Frank shares that people scared to get left in the lurch often seek guarantees (but don’t always believe them long-term).
“The answer to this question can offer temporary comfort, even though they might know that few promises can fully ease their worries,” he shares.
12. “I am such a bad person—why do you want to be with me?”
Ironically, this question puts a person at a higher risk of getting left alone. Yet—also ironically—that’s the point.
“It’s about pushing someone away before they have a chance to hurt us,” Sokola notes.
13. “I don’t want to be a burden.”
We all have needs. People with a fear of abandonment are often scared to reveal them, though.
“This phrase hides the deep fear that your needs will push people away,” Dr. Saidi explains. “It often comes from invalidating childhood environments where asking for support or help was met with rejection.”
Related: How To Validate Someone’s Feelings, According to a Clinical Psychologist
14. “I’m sorry. I’ll do better.”
Dr. Frank reports that people who are scared of loneliness and rejection frequently use this one even when they have zero need to apologize.
“They often say it in situations where they aren’t at fault,” he explains. “It shows their wanting to secure relationships by striving to be ‘better’ and become less vulnerable to abandonment.”
How To Manage and Heal from a Fear of Abandonment
1. Learn to recognize your triggers
Self-awareness is an important early step to facing fears of abandonment.
“When you notice yourself spiraling, pause and name what you are feeling,” Dr. Saidi advises. “It can also be helpful to track patterns and identify the emotional roots to separate the past from the present.”
A journal can help with these efforts.
“Writing about things that hurt and are uncomfortable makes us stronger, thanks to connecting with ourselves,” Sokola shares.
Related: 9 Subtle Body Language Habits That Give Off a Bad Vibe Without You Even Realizing It, According to Psychologists
2. Practice safe vulnerability
Individuals who are scared of getting cast aside often develop a protective shield that prevents others from getting too close. Yet, when it works, it can worsen these fears. Dr. Saidi recommends letting down your guard slowly so you can challenge negative assumptions.
“Share your needs in small ways with trusted people,” she recommends. “For example, try sharing a light truth or emotion and watch how the other person handles it.”
Think phrases like, “I had a tough day today” or “I got nervous speaking up today in class/at work.”
3. Reparent yourself
Dr. Saidi says it can be helpful to reparent your younger self—the one who feels left.
“Since abandonment often begins in childhood, your adult self can now step in as the parent you needed,” she explains. “You can write a letter to your younger self and say the things you…needed to hear then.”
Related: 6 Inner Child Wounds That Affect Adult Relationships, According to a Psychologist
4. Practice mindfulness
Healing is a non-linear journey, and people with fears of abandonment often have sky-high anxiety that can creep back in even after a period of progress. Mindfulness can help you gently push back on your worries.
“Practicing mindfulness can help manage anxiety and keep one grounded in the present, rather than fearing potential future losses,” Dr. Frank says.
5. See professional support
Believe it or not, you are not alone.
“Seeking therapy provides a safe space to explore past experiences that may have contributed to the fear of abandonment and to develop coping strategies,” Dr. Frank says.
Up Next:
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Sources:
- Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist with Duality Psychological Services
- Dr. Crystal Saidi, Psy.D., a psychologist with Thriveworks
- Kaja Sokola, CP, LPC, a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist
