Our kids should know we think the world of them – even if there are always better ways to say it.Nadezhda1906/Getty Images/iStockphoto
When my five-year-old daughter brought home her end-of-year project – the kids in her class were each tasked with creating a model of something that would help the planet – I was beside myself.
She designed a machine that would theoretically pull garbage from the ocean while also “feeding the fishes.” The model was a literal pile of garbage itself – or, more accurately, recycling, glued together with varying success.
I told her I had never seen anything more amazing, and repeatedly said she is so very clever, so very creative. A visionary – just what this world needs. “Good job, kiddo!” I exclaimed, promptly placing her creation on the mantel, where it remains.
I was still admiring the beautiful garbage pile when a mom friend sent me a TikTok video about effective praise. According to Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta, the parenting coach in the clip, saying “good job” to kids is ineffective because “children do not have jobs” and “it is not clear, it is not specific.” I suddenly felt a pang of guilt. How many times have I told my kids they’ve a done a good job?
Days later, I listened to an episode of the popular podcast Your Parenting Mojo, where host Jen Lumanlan argued praise is “a subtle mechanism” to shape and control our children. “My concern arises when praise becomes a way that children internalize our surveillance, and this means they know we’re watching them, so they act in a certain way to get our approval,” Lumanlan said.
As I listened, I found myself wondering if that’s such a bad thing. I want my kids to know their actions matter and that I am indeed watching them. Isn’t that the point of parenting – to gently steer our kids toward independence, while letting them know we’ve got eyes on them?
Praise feels especially warranted in moments like the end of the school year, when projects and report cards are flooding in. Shouldn’t kids know we see and value their effort and that we are proud? Praise can also have a lasting positive impact. I don’t remember every “good job” from my childhood, but I do remember the day I crossed the monkey bars for the first time and my dad said, “You can do anything in this world. You are capable of everything.”
Stephanie Leon, a child psychologist in Montreal, says praise can absolutely be used for good. “It’s the strongest external reinforcement we can provide our children. It’s also the way we share our values with our kids,” she said. “When we’re using praise to influence their behaviour, we want them to be able to function in society, and that’s not a bad thing at all.”
But, Leon says, we can elevate the impact of our praise by having it be specific, genuine and focus on the effort, rather than the outcome.
The debate over positive feedback has been around for decades. In his 1993 book Punished by Rewards, education critic Alfie Kohn argued that praise, like other rewards, can be controlling. And in her 2006 book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, psychologist Carol Dweck made the case that kids praised for effort, not innate ability, were more likely to embrace challenges. According to this theory, focusing on a child’s patience and interesting choice of colours, for example, will encourage more growth than declaring them the world’s best artist.
Katie Cataford, a mom of two young kids and the director of school life and community at Vincent Massey Academy, a private school in Toronto, says she struggles with finding the right balance.
“It’s easy to say ‘good job!’ and I do, all the time. But as an educator, I know it’s much more meaningful to focus on the deeper, intrinsic motivator. … It just takes so much more effort.”
That’s why she has her own kids say mantras in the mirror every night – ‘I am strong, I am brave, I can do hard things’ – so they can recognize those traits in their daily challenges and feel proud of themselves, rather than seeking outside approval.
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In today’s extremely digital parenting era, there is seemingly a right and a wrong way to do everything, and sometimes it feels like experts online are overanalyzing every little action and complicating things just for the sake of it (or more likely, for views). It’s never good enough if our kids are eating vegetables – are they organic and locally sourced?
At the same time, if there is a more effective way to show our kids we appreciate them, while also encouraging them to find pride in themselves, I’m here for it.
The best approach, as with many parenting conundrums, is likely found in the messy middle: “Great garbage invention, my wonderful little inventor!” isn’t going to turn my kid into a people-pleasing perfectionist later in life.
Our kids should know we think the world of them – even if there are always better ways to say it. And if they believe, deep down, that their parents are fundamentally rooting for them, we’re doing a pretty good job ourselves.
