Whether it’s medication for your rambunctious eight-year-old, a third Aperol Spritz on a weeknight or saying how you really feel on LinkedIn – choices, big and small, dictate our lives.
So how do we make them? Each action we take, every door we do or don’t open, has consequences. It’s our job to anticipate the results of our behaviour and choose accordingly for the best, healthiest pathway for our peace of mind, well-being and our loved ones’ success.
However, sometimes knowing what to do – especially under pressure, especially when our brain says one thing and our heart says something else – can be confusing. To gain some clarity, I asked three experts how best to make choices that not only feel good today, but will (hopefully) feel good tomorrow.
Power up your prefrontal cortex
Dr. Sara Mitchell, cognitive neurologist at Sunnybrook Health Sciences Centre and director of the Azrieli Brain Medicine Fellowship Program at the Temerty Faculty of Medicine at the University of Toronto, says we want our decisions made in our frontal lobe, which guides rational assessment.
“The prefrontal cortex in the frontal lobe controls executive functions, like the ability to plan, organize and update behaviour in keeping with environmental feedback,” Mitchell says. The prefrontal cortex also supports our “working memory,” which is the short-term mental system that allows us to hold several ideas at once, compare options and manipulate information as we make a choice.
Under stress, it becomes even more essential to access the prefrontal cortex, which drives reason – rather than the amygdala, which drives instinct such as the fight-or-flight response. This can be done by pausing before taking an action, considering deeply and visualizing the outcome of each option.
“Above the eyes, the orbital frontal cortex helps integrate rational thought with emotional and reward signals. It communicates closely with the striatum, where dopamine-driven reward networks help shape the value we place on decisions,” Mitchell says. She explains that we can train our prefrontal cortex to weigh conflicting neurological feedback and, over time, strengthen an organizing principle that holds up under stress.
The key to making good choices, Mitchell adds, is not being married to any single outcome before assessing – then reassessing – the facts.
“The most important aspect of decision-making is staying flexible and adjusting to the environment’s constant feedback. Under stress, the prefrontal cortex updates our decision-making process to stay in step with changing conditions.”
How can you help make your prefrontal cortex more durable so it will serve you well under pressure? Making sure to sleep and eat well and limiting your alcohol intake (especially if there’s an inclination to do the opposite) can prevent your brain from being hijacked by emotions, including fear.
“When you’re stressed or exhausted, your brain falls back on quick, reward-driven decisions,” Mitchell says. “The goal is to keep the prefrontal cortex in charge.”
Determine your purpose
According to registered social worker Forouz Salari, making choices comes down to knowing what you want for yourself. “No choice we make in life is the perfect or forever choice, we can only make a choice for our next step,” she says.
Before you decide where to go next, Salari suggests taking stock of where you currently are. “Think about why you’re considering a change and reflect on your deepest current needs and core values, which helps us figure out our purpose – purpose can be a grounding, deciding factor.”
A pros and cons list can help, while remembering that every choice involves compromise and a readjustment of expectations.
Salari, who specializes in counselling women, queer people, neurodivergent people and adult children of immigrants, adds it’s important to consider energy levels, financial resources and your level of support from others when making hard choices.
She also advises allowing yourself quiet, reflective time to connect with both reason and intuition. “Some people paint or make pottery, go for a walk, take a bath or swim in the ocean, but, before reaching a conclusion, calm your nervous system,” she said, warning against reaching a decision while feeling angry, desperate or anxious.
“A decision is only the next lane, few decisions are your forever lane.”
Hydration and movement keep the brain and body primed to make good decisions, as do laughter and chilling with loved ones.
Be courageous
Dr. Joanna Polley is a philosophical therapist based in Toronto who draws on the work of thinkers such as Nietzsche and Aristotle to help her clients. I’ve seen her intermittently for a decade and her sessions involve her asking lots of questions.
The best tool we have when it comes to decision-making, Polley offers, is what Aristotle called “practical wisdom.” This isn’t the kind that helps us reflect on the meaning of life but the kind that informs our actions.
“Practical wisdom can’t offer us rules we can uniformly apply,” she said. “Every situation is going to be different, so it relies on paying careful attention to those unique circumstances as well as drawing on past experience. What we should be wary of are preconceived ideas about right and wrong that are insensitive to context.”
When I ask her about the role of gut instincts, she says things such as inspiration and enthusiasm can be part of the picture, but ultimately good decisions are about taking that information and deciding what weight it should have in our deliberations.
“A decision is not just about an action we want to take, but about the person we want to be,” she says, adding that a choice is an opportunity to create a “second nature,” the version of ourselves – according to Aristotle – that goes beyond our genetics and upbringing.
“Not taking the time to reflect and decide what to do is to fail to consciously shape who we are. That’s to miss a pretty essential opportunity, isn’t it?” she observes.
Another essential part of decision-making, according to Polley, is courage.
“Making bold decisions that seem right for us but that go against the status quo or the wishes of others can be hard. It’s where so many of us take the route that makes the fewest waves,” she says. Everything valuable in life, she suggests, takes courage: the courage to be vulnerable and try something new.
Ultimately, we can never know for sure whether our decision was the best one or not. But after we make one, let it go. “Worrying about all the options you didn’t choose,” she says, “often just takes energy away from the path you’ve chosen.”
