Author Mel Robbins.Illustration by Photo illustration by The Globe
Mel Robbins is not only a bestselling author and the host of one of the most popular podcasts in the world – she has also been a nagging mom.
A long day of doting on her teenage son before his prom led her to discover a long-standing truism: No matter how hard you try, you cannot control other people.
This realization, she says, led to her penning The Let Them Theory, a self-help book that enjoyed the most successful non-fiction launch in history, selling 1.2 million copies in just one month. In it, she explains how the more we let go of our impulses to control other people, the better our lives get.
Robbins recognizes it is not a new concept. “These two words, Let Them, have been around since the history of time,” said Robbins. The pastor and bestselling author T. D. Jakes also gave a sermon 20 years ago called “Let Them Walk,” about letting people leave your life, and a poem by Cassie Phillips called Let Them touched on similar themes and went viral in 2022.
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“These words are rooted in Stoicism and Buddhism, and psychological concepts like detachment theory and radical acceptance,” says Robbins. “It means: The only person you can control is yourself.”
Here, The Globe asked Robbins what Let Them is all about, why she thinks it resonates so powerfully with readers, and how she reminds herself to let people be people.
How were you so convinced that this message would resonate?
Before the book, I told a story on my podcast about how I was micromanaging my son before his prom – telling him not to ruin his new tennis shoes, not to walk in the rain, shoving a flower corsage for his date – until my daughter firmly grabbed my arm and said, “If they want to dance all night in wet tuxedos, let them.”
I started to apply that concept elsewhere: airport lines, traffic jams, gardening stores, and insulated myself from the unnecessary stress. The reception to that story was like putting gasoline on a fire. The podcast episode became one of the most shared in the world. I received photos of people tattooing ‘Let Them’ on their bodies. I thought: This is a very important topic.
Your podcast is absolutely huge: Why write a book if the podcast is already reaching so many people?
I’m dyslexic and I have ADHD, so the idea of sitting down and writing even a bathroom reader felt daunting, let alone a 300-page book. But when I saw how this concept of Let Them was taking off and how valuable it was in my life, I wanted to understand it and dig into it deeply.
Why are people resonating with it so much right now?
Headlines and politics are becoming entertainment, and it feels like we can’t have conversations with somebody with whom we disagree. The Let Them theory reminds us the importance of letting people have opinions, and instead of trying to change them, trying to understand their frame of reference. It’s only when people feel heard, and not attacked, that they can consider a different point of view.
But what happens when you want to help someone change? My fiancé started running, and didn’t like when I reminded her to get out the door.
People change when they are ready to change. The second you try to be helpful, you remind a person they aren’t doing what they said they would do, and that pushes against their need to be in control of themselves, and they retreat. So, the attempt to motivate backfires because they have to feel it’s their idea.
Right. But then, something else happened. I applied the Let Them theory and stopped commenting on the running; but she started feeling like I just didn’t care.
Right. And at that point, she came to you because she was frustrated with herself. Only then is the time to ask her: Have you thought about how you want me to support you? Let her tell you what she needs. Let her be in control.
That’s what the second part of the Let Them theory is about: Let Me. It’s taking control of your own actions in response to someone else’s. We can’t control other people, but we can control what we think about something, what we do and don’t do, and how we respond to our own feelings. For example, we have full agency to invest in a relationship without trying to control it.
So, are you now a pro at this?
No, but I try to improve by testing myself in small ways. For example, airport security always gives me a hard time with my podcasting gear. They open my suitcase and look at me with a funny face and ask, “What do you do?” To that, I say: “Oh, we shoot porn,” and eventually they laugh. Instead of letting small irritations that I cannot control, like airport tedium, ruin my day and hijack my mood, I create a funny moment.
When do you still struggle with saying “let them”?
When I come across online gossip and rumours, and moments where my kids are struggling. Standing on the sidelines and reminding somebody who is struggling that you believe in their capacity to figure it out and be okay takes a special kind of restraint.
Out of all your successes, where does the Let Them theory rank?
This is my legacy: This is the thing I’m going to leave on Earth.
