Lifeguard parenting describes kids flourishing when supervised only as much as necessary, not as much as possible.urbazon/iStockPhoto/Getty Images
A radio show host recently asked me what kind of parent I am. I was tempted to say, “Hopefully a good one,” but that’s not what he meant. He wanted to know if there was a label to describe my approach to raising kids, since we were discussing the connection between overparenting and anxiety in young adults, and it was clear I did not fall into the helicopter or gentle parent category.
I told him I strive to be a lifeguard parent. This is not a well-known descriptor, but it should be, because it does a great job of summarizing the notion that kids flourish when supervised only as much as necessary, not as much as possible. It offers a refreshing departure from the hypervigilant style that many well-intentioned parents mistake for the most loving form of care.
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A lifeguard parent sits on the sidelines of a child’s playtime, their conversations with friends, their homework, household chores, and other interactions with the world. A lifeguard parent keeps an eye on what’s going on, ready to dive in if needed, but otherwise stays out of the way. They know what a healthy baseline looks like and recognize immediately when things start to go off the rails. Most of the time nothing serious happens, so the parent does not insert themselves needlessly in their kid’s activities.
I once heard Dr. Mariana Brussoni, director of the University of British Columbia’s Human Early Learning Partnership, talk about lifeguard parenting on a podcast. She described it as a form of vigilant care with three components — open attention, focused attention and active intervention.
Open attention should be a parent’s default state. They care about what their child is doing while remaining physically distant and non-intrusive. They do not interact with the child directly, but let the child operate independently, even if it crosses over into the realm of risky play — a form of thrilling, free play that involves uncertain outcomes and possibility of physical injury. A sense of trust permeates this state, with parents allowing themselves to feel impressed by what their child can do.
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Focused attention kicks in when a parent detects warning signs. They might communicate with their child, offering a reminder to think through their actions without directing them explicitly. For example, instead of hollering, “Stay off that branch!” the parent might say, “Do you think that branch can support you?”
If a parent is unsure whether to intervene, Dr. Brussoni recommends waiting 17 seconds before reacting. Just count quietly in your head while observing your child to see if they can handle the situation on their own. You’re not being negligent; you’re alert, while giving them the chance to practise some important risk-management skills.
Finally, active intervention occurs when the parent recognizes that they must step into a situation to ensure their child’s safety — for example, if a child who cannot swim is standing at the edge of a pool or if a child is wielding a sharp knife recklessly. The lifeguard parent intervenes with kind yet firm authority, removing the child (or confiscating the threatening object) and restating the boundaries before allowing the activity to restart safely.
One mother told me about her version of active intervention, which she calls the red-white-blue rule: Only intervene if you see red blood, white bone or blue bruises! Maybe she was joking, but the point is, kids thrive when parents provide a safe environment for play and exploration and then get out of the way.
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The goal is to spend most of the time in open attention. Focused attention might happen only once every few days, and active intervention should be rare. If it is happening regularly, that might mean the parent is overseeing too closely and should embrace their inner lifeguard, or the expectations for safe independent play need to be reiterated for the child to understand them better.
This three-part breakdown is great because it equips parents with a simple, effective tool for gauging tricky situations. It provides reassurance that we parents do not need to hover like helicopters all the time (phew!) and it underscores, refreshingly, children’s inherent capability, instead of treating them like “delicate morons,” to borrow Let Grow founder Lenore Skenazy’s colourful phrase.
I’d love to see “lifeguard parent” enter our mainstream vocabulary and become something we all recognize as being a healthy, happy way to raise kids. They are capable of so much more than we give them credit for, and they will amaze us, given the chance.