Dear Sangita: My girlfriend is obsessed with all my ex-girlfriends, and it’s getting weird. She brings them up in conversation almost casually, as if they’re her friends. She’ll do something and then ask if it reminds me of any of my exes. And then she came home last week with her hair dyed. It looked great, but it also happened to be pretty similar to my last girlfriend’s hair colour. I love her, and I don’t think about my exes at all. How do I get her to stop thinking about them too? — Ex-obsessed
Dear Ex-obsessed: It’s clear that your girlfriend has a lot of insecurities, and these attempts to connect with your exes is her trying to figure out what you love and to create an atmosphere of what she thinks you want. She’s really questioning herself and doesn’t feel like she’s the person for you, so she’s trying to adjust her ways. The best you can do for her is provide that reassurance that you love her just the way she is — but it’s also time to have an honest conversation about this fixation on your exes. It’s completely reasonable to say, “Our relationship is between you and me, and my past is my past. Let’s leave it alone.” She’s taken this pretty far, so I think you need to be as straightforward as you can in this. While still being gentle with her, bring up concrete examples of what this fixation looks like to you. Seeing it through your eyes may give her the clarity she needs to move on from it.
Dear Sangita: I share a cottage with my siblings, and I’m tired of doing all the work, only for them to barge in and demand their time over the summer. We inherited it from our parents and agreed to split the time — and the work. My siblings do no maintenance. They don’t even think about it during the off season and pretty much expect that it’ll be in perfect condition when they arrive for their weeks in the summer. Meanwhile, I’m shelling out lots of money and time all year round to make sure it’s ready for the summer. How do I tell them to hit the trail? — Cottage control
Dear CC: You sound like an oldest sibling! Instead of talking about money and cost, I would break it down in terms of what it takes for you to take care of the cottage — gardening, equipment upgrades, painting, whatever it is. Start a group chat with your siblings and ask them to step up for certain tasks. This is probably the time to lie a little about your availability: “Hey, I can’t make it next week, and there’s someone coming to repair the porch. Can someone be there?” If they don’t step up, you can look back in that chat and say: “Hey, I asked for help on x, y and z, and none of you guys did anything.” The other part you might not want to admit here is that, as the sibling who is always in charge, you might be used to doing things a certain way. If your siblings start stepping up, you’ll have to let go a little bit. It might not be done exactly the way you want it to, but that’s a sacrifice you need to make if you don’t want to be handling everything forever.
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