Dear Sangita: My office crush asked me out, but I’ve been burned before. I’m scared to try it again. At my last job, my co-worker and I dated after months of flirting, and then things quickly fell apart and became very ugly for us and everyone else at work. I said never again — but then I met this guy and started what I thought was harmless flirting. I’m so tempted, but it ended so badly at my last one that I’m scared to ruin things here too. Should I say yes? — Crushed by the crush
Dear Crushed: I generally say that at school or at work it’s better to avoid that type of relationship. And it could happen; maybe you’ll find the love of your life! But because it’s a new job, just take your time. You’re going to see this guy every single day, so just let that be before it turns into anything else. I think it’s better to get to know each other as friends before you go into a romantic relationship anyway. There’s no need to rush into it. Go for lunch as a group, with other co-workers and get to know each other. Protect yourself. You’ve already had a negative workplace romance experience, and it sounds like it was so negative that it eventually affected your prospects at your old job. Relationships are great, but this is your life and your income.
I also always tell women — and it’s unfortunately something many have experienced — you have to prove yourself at work at a different level than men do, especially if you want to move up to the top-tier level. So you don’t want anything to get in the way of that. You want this new job to be a place where you feel confident, not insecure in any way. Enjoy the little bit of flirting but don’t make it the focus of your job. If it’s meant to be, things will happen for you. For now, I would steer the conversation with this guy away from one-on-one time and more toward group hangs. If you don’t want to cut off the opportunity for more, it’s OK to be honest and say you’re new at the company and just want to get to know everyone better first.
Dear Sangita: I thought my sister’s marriage was perfect. Then, I caught her husband by himself at my parents’ house, while he was visiting, crying. He eventually confided in me about how mean and critical my sister has been to him. She is blunt sometimes, and I’ve honestly felt that way about her before too. I guess I never realized that extended into her relationship. I don’t want my sister’s marriage to fall apart. What do I do? — Tears left to cry
Dear Tears: This is a tough one, but the fact that he felt comfortable doing that at your parents’ house and confiding in you says a lot. It’s clear he wants to work on this relationship and figure this out. It sounds to me like your sister is going through something, if this cruelty is something you’ve noticed and now her husband is experiencing too. This could be a time for family counselling. She’s clearly internalizing something that she hasn’t dealt with yet and taking it out on those around her instead. You could be the neutral ground for both your sister and her husband. Try asking her how she feels the relationship is going. She may open up about what’s been bothering her. For your brother-in-law, I would be curious to know how long this has been going on. Has it been the entirety of the relationship that he’s been feeling this way? Only since they’ve gotten married? If it’s been years of her treating him like this, that’s obviously not a good relationship. This is ultimately between her and her husband, though, so don’t take on too much responsibility for their feelings.
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