One of my favourite things about being a mom has nothing to do with my kids: It’s my mom friends. We have seen each other through our kids’ never-ending sleep regressions and toddler tantrums and potty-training mayhem. And no matter what changes we’re going through, one thing is always constant in our interactions: wine.
Wine is the seemingly natural antidote to our motherly stresses. At playdates, the host always covertly whispers “Is it too early?” as she opens the fridge door. There are plentiful memes in our group chat: “The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink.” “Mom fact #482: If you combine wine and dinner, the new word is winner.” “Boxed wine is just a juice box for mom.” And if you’ve had a particularly hard time with your kid, it was normal to pour yourself an extra-large glass.
But after one indulgent – and extremely fun – moms’ night out, my morning headache was paired with a sobering realization: These nights that were supposed to reinvigorate me were actually ruining my health. The alcohol had destroyed my sleep, wildly increased my anxiety the next day, and turned my already foggy brain into a full-on tornado. I was grumpier and more tired than I had been in months. Wasn’t the whole promise of a moms’ night supposed to make me feel better? Was this the price of finding my village?
Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it. Moms default to wine to cope with the underlying stresses of modern motherhood, and sub in for real support, which is all too often out of reach.
This tendency is problematic at best and deadly at worst. The dangers of alcohol consumption are increasingly evident: In 2023, Health Canada issued new low-risk guidelines on alcohol use, underlining that “any amount of alcohol consumption can have risks to your health.”
The federal agency has also stated that women who drink alcohol are at more than a 20-per-cent higher risk for breast cancer than those who do not drink. The World Health Organization says there is no amount of alcohol consumption that is safe for health, noting alcohol is classified as a group 1 carcinogen – the highest risk group, shared with deadly cancer-causing substances such as tobacco and asbestos.
But “wine mom” culture doesn’t seem to acknowledge the health risks associated with alcohol use. Allison Garber, a mom of two in Bedford, N.S., says she believes wine mom culture enabled her own drinking problem. “I remember telling my mom friends that I was now drinking wine out of a box in my fridge, so I wouldn’t have to see how many empty wine bottles I went through,” she said. “Everyone laughed, no one flinched.”
Garber says she eventually realized she had a problem with alcohol, and decided to stop drinking entirely, because wine had become her focus every day. “I would rush though bedtime stories with my kids because wine was waiting for me.”
“When you take a few steps back, and you realize that these are the societal messages connected to motherhood and about our kids – ‘You’re the reason mommy drinks. You’re the reason I have to imbibe literal poison’ – it’s actually sickening to me now.”
Experts say social media validates and supports the trope of the stressed-out mom reaching for the bottle. Kelly Harding is director of research administration for CanFASD, an organization dedicated to the prevention and support of people affected by fetal alcohol spectrum disorder.
She co-authored a study on the connections between social media and wine mom culture that examined a wide swath of hashtags, including #winemom and #youcansipwithus. The findings suggested the binge-drinking modern mother – specifically upper middle-class white moms – is often viewed as humorous and socially expected on Instagram.
“The consumption of wine is how women define themselves as modern mothers – you have to drink to be a modern mom, but also drinking wine is viewed as a resistance and a rebellion to the perception of perfect motherhood,” said Harding, who is based in Sudbury. “Good moms do this fun, kind of naughty thing, then resume their domestic duties and childrearing.”
The messaging stems in part from this because wine is equated with femininity and sophistication, unlike other types of alcohol, Harding adds. “If moms were showing up at each other’s homes with bottles of whisky, that would be a huge red flag, but because it’s wine, everyone thinks it’s great and they deserve it.”
Harding’s research was one of many papers included in a scoping review done by MacEwan University nursing professor Emilene Reisdorfer in Edmonton. That review reached similar conclusions: wine mom culture as a substitute for support, and wine consumption as a “one-stop shop” coping mechanism.
“One of the most interesting findings was that moms drink wine to attach themselves to a previous identity,” said Reisdorfer, who decided to explore the topic during the pandemic, as she was drinking more and had two kids at home.
“It’s their declaration, their way of saying I’m still that person I was before children.”
After my buzzkill calls with the researchers, I was anything but thirsty – and had already decided to drop wine, and largely alcohol altogether. Except my mom friend was on her way over – and arrived with her kids at her feet and two bottles in her hands. Within minutes of the kids running amok, the question inevitably came up: The children are driving me nuts and it’s been the world’s longest weekend; when are we drinking?
“I’m okay for now, but I’ll get you a glass,” I said, and if I needed any further proof, I felt just how pervasive wine mom culture is in the awkward silence that followed. I had betrayed the code.
After I made a secretly non-alcohol gin and tonic, the mood went back to how it’s always been: wonderful conversation, empathetic listeners and hilarious women connecting over the joy and struggles of motherhood. This, I thought to myself, is the true value of mom friends – we actually just need these bonds to get by, not the booze. The community has been there all along.
That doesn’t mean that I’ll never drink again, but I’ll heed Garber’s wise words: “If you’re going to drink, do it for the pure enjoyment – not for a life raft when parenting gets tough.”
