Lately, there’s been a greater focus on children’s social and emotional development—and that’s not bad. However, you may have big feelings about all of the talk about big feelings—namely, you may feel a bit jealous of the new generation and wish you had experienced this empathy as a child. While many parents may have been responding to contemporary, standard advice at the time (such as using going-out-of-style timeouts), some may have had deeper-seeded issues with emotional maturity.
“People who may experience emotional immaturity can often struggle to process their feelings in a healthy way, engage in impulsive behaviors and might have difficulty understanding or empathizing with the emotions of others,” shares Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor.
Dr. Lira de la Rosa says emotionally immature people may also respond with self-centered or oversimplified perspectives.
“This can lead to avoiding responsibility for their emotional reactions and often seeking to have their needs met immediately, without regard for long-term consequences,” he explains.
The long-term consequences of emotionally immature parents can extend to the child. Psychologists share that people who grow up with emotionally immature parents often grow up to develop these 12 traits.
Related: People Who Were Told They Were ‘Too Sensitive’ as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Signs of an Emotionally Immature Parent
Unsure if your parent was emotionally immature? Dr. Lira de la Rosa says these are a few potential red flags the answer is yes:
- Easily angered
- Withdrawal during conflict/stressed
- Quickly defensive during conflicts
- Self-centered behavior
- Difficulty offering comfort or empathy
- Dismissive of child’s emotions
- Avoid difficult conversations
- Blaming
- Shaming
Related: 10 Red Flags There’s a Narcissist in Your Family, According to Therapists
12 Traits of People With Emotionally Immature Parents, According to Psychologists
1. Difficulty with emotional regulation
They say our parents are our first teachers. Poor emotional regulation may have been one of your earliest lessons if you grew up with an emotionally immature parent.
“Individuals may struggle to manage their own emotions because they never saw healthy emotional expressions modeled at home,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa explains.
As a result, Dr. Lira de la Rosa says you may have outbursts at work after receiving constructive feedback, which can feel like an attack because of your upbringing.
2. Struggle to set boundaries
Boundaries help you protect your physical and mental health. However, just the word may give you chills.
“Growing up with emotionally immature parents who either ignored or overstepped boundaries, the child may never learn how to set healthy limits,” says Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist. “This comes from seeing it as an example from their parents as well as the consistent overstepping of their boundaries. They’re taught that boundaries are selfish.”
Related: People Who Felt Constantly Criticized as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
3. Connection difficulties
The relationships we have with our parents usually start on day one. If yours involved emotional neglect, you may have long-term issues forming relationships with others.
“Adults who were raised by parents who were emotionally neglectful may grow up believing that other people are not emotionally safe,” says Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C, psychologist and owner of Phoenix Health. “As a result, they may appear cold, distant and aloof in relationships with others. They may even avoid social connections.”
4. People-pleasing behavior
It’s natural to want to impress others. However, people raised by emotionally immature parents may have an unhealthy hyper-focus on it.
“Often, as adults, individuals may have learned to prioritize others’ needs at their own expense,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. “This helps them maintain some semblance of emotional safety in an unpredictable environment.”
For instance, you may constantly say “yes” to work-related requests or happy hour invites you don’t have time to attend.
Related: 7 Phrases to Never, Ever Use With Someone Who’s Emotionally Immature, According to Psychologists
5. Perfectionism
Getting straight A’s and a 105% on every life task is simply impossible, a memo people who grew up with emotionally immature parents may not have gotten during childhood.
“Children who are raised by overly controlling or helicopter parents may become perfectionists,” Dr. Guarnotta says. “They may set very high standards for themselves and lack flexibility. This can make work, productivity and relationships challenging.”
6. Fear of vulnerability
Vulnerability isn’t weak, and it can help lay a strong foundation in relationships. You may not have heard that in childhood and, therefore, shut down in romantic relationships—always keeping a partner at arm’s length emotionally. You may be mirroring your childhood.
“Adults who grow up with emotionally unavailable parents may equate vulnerability with weakness or rejection,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. “As a result, they might avoid deep emotional connections in relationships.”
Related: People Who Were ‘Overly Competitive’ in Childhood Often Develop These 16 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
7. Conflict-avoidant
Like vulnerability, conflict isn’t always fun, but it’s a natural and necessary part of solid relationships.
“Emotionally immature parents often react poorly to disagreements, leading the child to avoid conflict altogether,” Dr. McGeehan says. “This leads conflict to feel unsafe when conflict can lead to deeper intimacy.”
8. Emotional numbness or suppression
This one is likely a reaction to having emotional inconsistency invalidated growing up. You may be trying to shield yourself from any more emotional hurt, but burying your feelings can cause them to fester and get even bigger until you burst.
“Over time, this denial makes treatment challenging because, on the surface, the person believes they feel OK,” Dr. McGeehan says. “They’ve just pushed their feelings far below the surface.”
Related: 9 Outdated Relationship Dynamics Family Therapists Are Begging Parents To Stop Doing With Their Adult Kids
9. Inconsistency
You may feel—and come off as—a human rollercoaster.
“Adults who grew up with emotionally immature parents may have difficulty demonstrating consistency with themselves and others,” Dr. Guarnotta shares. “They may appear one way one day and then change the next.”
For instance, Dr. Guarnotta says you may be loving toward your children sometimes and cold and rejecting in other cases.
“Other people may be confused by these changes and distance themselves,” she explains.
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10. Hyper-independence
Self-sufficiency has benefits, but it can go too far when you’re a member of a species that thrives on connecting with others. Plus, we all need to ask for help sometimes.
“Inconsistent or unreliable parenting may lead a child to feel they can only rely on themselves, causing them to overcompensate with extreme independence,” Dr. McGeehan says. “We all need help, and we all need other people. These are the folks who say they are ‘just really strong and can handle a lot,’ but then burnout suddenly or lash out unexpectedly.”
Related: People Whose Parents Got Divorced During Their Childhood Usually Develop These 12 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
11. Fear of abandonment
The wounds of an upbringing with emotionally immature adults can cut deep.
“Emotional inconsistency or neglect in childhood can create a deep-seated fear of being emotionally abandoned in relationships,” Dr. McGeehan says. “This can lead someone to cling to unhealthy relationships or end up in a cycle of abuse because they are terrified of being alone.”
12. Overthinking or hypervigilance
An awareness of others’ emotions is a sign of high emotional intelligence. However, chronically fixating on what others think is a sign you may have been raised by people with a low emotional IQ.
“Growing up in an unpredictable emotional environment, they might have developed a habit of overanalyzing situations to anticipate others’ reactions,” Dr. McGeehan says. “This can lead a person to believe they know everyone else’s motivations, have difficulty relaxing and ultimately have difficulty developing healthy relationships.”
Related: People Whose Parents Weren’t Affectionate With Each Other in Childhood Often Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
How To Heal From Emotionally Immature Parenting
1. Acknowledge
Understanding how your childhood has impacted you as an adult is a critical first step.
“You can do this in therapy or on your own,” Dr. Guarnotta says. “Journaling, time in quiet reflection and sharing your experiences with others are some ways that you can get in touch with how your past has influenced you.”
The goal is to understand how your childhood experiences have shaped you as an adult.
“For example, you may learn that you developed the belief that ‘people are unpredictable,’ and now you expect a similar pattern of behavior in your relationships,” Dr. Guarnotta says. “This could lead to you anticipating that your partner will be impulsive or emotionally unpredictable, which could affect your interactions with them.”
Related: 135 Deep Shadow Work Prompts To Help With Self-Awareness, Self-Compassion and Authenticity
2. Set and maintain healthy boundaries
This one can take a while but is important to hone.
“Healing often involves learning to assert your needs and limits, which can feel foreign for those who grew up with emotionally immature parents,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. “Setting boundaries is essential for self-respect and emotional safety as they help protect individuals from overextending themselves and ensure relationships are healthier and more reciprocal.”
Dr. Lira de la Rosa suggests starting small and saying no in situations you might otherwise feel “obligated” to agree to, like a “just-because” happy hour with someone you already see almost daily and working your way up.
Related: 16 Things People With High Emotional Intelligence Often Say, According to Psychologists
3. Inner-child work
Dr. McGeehan says your current wounds stem from unmet needs
“Inner-child work helps address these unmet needs and fosters self-compassion and self-trust, which you will need as you begin to explore who you truly are,” Dr. McGeehan says.
A therapist can help you dig into inner-child work. However, Dr. McGeehan provided an exercise you can try on your own. You can start by visualizing or connecting with your younger self. A photo of you at age 5 or so might help.
“Offer the validation and love you may not have received,” she says. “I always encourage my clients to learn to play with their inner child by engaging in activities you enjoyed when you were younger or always wanted to try. This could be playing outside with a ball or perhaps playing with a Barbie.”
Up Next:
Related: 12 Common Habits of People With High Emotional Intelligence, According to Psychologists
Sources:
- Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor
- Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C, psychologist and owner of Phoenix Health
- Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist
