Growing up, “Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words will never hurt me” was a common phrase to get over bullying and help brush off mean things kids were saying. However, words you hear from self-centered parentscan stay with you for a lifetime.
“When we’re young, our brains are still developing, and we are easily impressionable, so we naturally trust the adults around us to help shape our sense of self,” explains Samantha Silverman, LCSW, the author of Silver Linings: From Surviving to Thriving After 9/11 and the founder of Silver Linings Mental Health in Colorado. “That is why the way we are spoken to can have a big impact on our self-esteem, how we handle stress and how we connect with others.”
If your parents were self-centered, you may have heard phrases that were hurtful, dismissive or manipulative on repeat. And those remarks can continue to play in our heads today. Need a mute button? Silverman shares that finding one involves healing, which requires awareness of how your childhood affects you now, as an adult.
“[Awareness] gives us the power to heal and grow beyond them,” she says.
Silverman wants to raise awareness, so she defines what it means when a parent is self-centered. She also shares nine common phrases you probably heard if you had a self-centered parent and how to heal from it.
Related:People Who Felt Constantly Criticized as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Wait, What Does a ‘Self-Centered Parent’ Really Mean?
Since words like “toxic” and “narcissist” are thrown around and sometimes misused on social media, Silverman says it’s important to define the true meaning of self-centered parenting.
“Self-centered parents are more concerned about their own feelings and needs than about their child’s emotional world,” she explains. “They might lack emotional awareness, insight or have their own unresolved childhood pain that prevents them from seeing the inner world of their child.”
It sounds awful—and it can be. However, what’s tricky is that sometimes self-centered parents don’t even mean to cause harm to a child.
“It is usually not intentional or malicious, but their behavior can still impact their kids, leaving them feeling unseen, unheard or emotionally dismissed,” she says.
Related: 11 Phrases To Use if Someone Says You’re ‘Too Sensitive’
9 Phrases Self-Centered Parents Often Say, According to a Therapist
1. “You are such a spoiled child.”
Silverman says self-centered parents often resort to this tactic when a child attempts to establish a valid boundary. For instance, it’s perfectly reasonable for a teen to ask a parent not to berate them for bringing home a B+.
“Rather than honoring the child’s experience, the parent frames it as entitlement, placing blame on the child instead of reflecting on their own reaction,” she explains.
2. “Stop being so weak.”
This remark’s also-toxic cousins include “Stop being such a baby” and “Toughen up.”
Silverman says phrases that chastise a child for being weak “shut down emotional expression” and can make a child feel like there’s something wrong with them for having natural or sensitive reactions.
“It’s dismissive and can prevent healthy emotional development,” she explains.
3. “You’re so sensitive.”
Self-centered parents use this phrase to minimize a child’s feelings, especially sadness or anger.
“It puts the parents’ discomfort above the child’s emotional needs and teaches kids to doubt their own feelings,” Silverman says.
Related: People Who Were Told They Were ‘Too Sensitive’ as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
4. “Yikes, you’re weird.”
Um, yikes?
“‘Weird’ [is used] to shame children for being different, whether emotionally expressive, creative or neurodivergent,” Silverman reports. “It typically stems from the parents’ concern with appearances or social norms rather than the child’s individuality.”
Related: People Who Grew up With a Narcissistic Parent Usually Develop These 15 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
5. “You are beyond selfish.”
This one may seem ironic in retrospect as you unpack the long-term effects of a childhood with a self-centered parent. Nevertheless, they still say it.
“This phrase is frequently directed at children who are learning to set boundaries or speak up for themselves,” Silverman says. “Instead of being celebrated, these healthy behaviors are framed as disloyal or hurtful. This can impact the child’s assertiveness and sense of setting necessary boundaries.”
For instance, a child may request that their parent refrain from barking out advice from the sidelines during their soccer game (when the parent is not even coaching). The child isn’t acting “selfish” or ungrateful—their feelings are valid (and probably shared with others on the team and sidelines).
6. “What a disrespectful child you are.”
Silverman says this phrase is a “catch-all” when parents want to silence kids who are questioning, disagreeing or advocating for themselves.
“It shuts down communication and demands obedience rather than mutual understanding,” she says.
7. “You’re overreacting.”
This one is a close relative of “Just relax,” a phrase with a 0% success rate.
“This can minimize a child’s emotions and cause them to second-guess their own perceptions,” Silverman says. “It often reflects a parent’s discomfort with accountability more than the child’s actual behavior.”
8. “You’re very unmotivated.”
Kids may also hear their self-centered parents describe them this way to teachers, friends or other family members.
“It suggests a character flaw rather than considering deeper causes like burnout, lack of support or neurodivergence,” Silverman warns. “Kids don’t thrive on criticism. They need structure, encouragement and understanding.”
9. “Get over it.”
Just reading the phrase may trigger you and bring back unhappy memories if you had a self-centered caregiver.
“This phrase teaches children to suppress emotions rather than process them,” Silverman says. “Over time, this can create anxiety and confusion around emotional expression and trust.”
Related:People Who Grew Up With Emotionally Immature Parents Often Have These 12 Traits as Adults, According to Psychologists
3 Tips for Healing From Self-Centered Parents
1. Seek Help
Self-centered parents can take up a ton of oxygen and real estate in your head. An objective third party, like a trained therapist, can help you work through the long-term effects of your childhood in a judgment-free setting. You can also develop tools and skills to break generational cycles.
“Therapy can be a healing space to unravel childhood experiences and how they may still be impacting your adult life,” Silverman says. “If you’re thinking about starting a family or want to heal your inner child, working with a therapist can offer insight, healing and strategies for change.”
2. Read Books That Reflect Your Experience
Silverman says several books and insightful articles can help you feel validated. Some of her favorites are Dr. Susan Forward’s Toxic Parents and Dr. Bessel van der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score.
“These books can help you identify what you’ve been through and guide you toward healing,” she says. “It can also offer insight and help you understand your experience further.”
3. Stay the Course
Silverman shares that healing won’t happen overnight. Patience and persistence are needed, but it’s possible to move forward—and be even stronger than you were before.
“Keep building emotional awareness and break the cycle,” Silverman says. “You can alter the narrative. Developing emotional intelligence, seeking out supportive relationships and committing to self-reflection can help you grow into the person and possibly the parent you want to be.”
Up Next:
Related: 8 Signs You Have Toxic In-Laws and How To Respond, According to Psychologists
Source:
- Samantha Silverman, LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker), author of Silver Linings: From Surviving to Thriving After 9/11 and founder of Silver Linings Mental Health in Colorado
