“Clingy” can often be thrown around—and misused—when referring to children. What does it actually mean? It’s not a mental health disorder or diagnosis, and it may not be a problem to fix.
“When people refer to someone as a ‘clinger,’ they’re typically describing someone who seems overly attached or dependent on others in a way that feels excessive or burdensome,” says Janice Holland, LPC-S, a licensed professional counselor and supervisor. “A ‘clinger’ is often someone who seeks constant reassurance or closeness, struggles with separations and may have a heightened sensitivity to abandonment.”
This constant need for reassurance can be overwhelming in adult friendships and romantic relationships. But with kids, it’s often part of the job of raising them.
“In children, the term can be misunderstood, as what’s often labeled as ‘clinginess’ is sometimes a child’s instinctual response to needing comfort or security,” Holland says. “Adults who are ‘clingy’ are often still unconsciously seeking safety and comfort because they did not develop the tools to self soothe or trust in their own choices and abilities.”
Learning to regulate emotions first involves co-regulating with a trusted caregiver, which is why you aren’t “spoiling” a newborn by responding to their cries immediately.
“It is absolutely vital during infancy and the early years of a child’s development for a parent to be consistently attuned and in sync with their child’s needs,” says Kathryn “Nin” Emery, LPC with Thriveworks. “In those early years, a child is entirely dependent on the adults and caregivers in their environment to be able to sense and meet their needs despite having no ability to communicate their needs other than cries, facial expressions and body language.”
Not meeting these needs can prompt the child to act “more clingy,” something that can persist into adulthood. Therapists share traits that children who were labeled “clingy” often grow up to develop.
Related: People Who Were Told They Were ‘Too Sensitive’ as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Why People Can Become Clingy
Emery stresses empathy is key here.
“Someone we describe as ‘clingy’ or ‘needy’ is simply someone who is trying earnestly to make up for and attend to their unmet needs,” Emery says.
There are several reasons why a child may be clingy, develop into a clingy adult or both.
Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor, says a few common reasons for clinginess are:
- Anxiety/separation anxiety
- Attachment issues
- Trauma experienced during childhood, like the death of a parent
- Unpredictable home environment
Also, a child may not have been clingy at all. Instead, adults may have mistaken “clingy” for “developmentally normal.”
“An adult might perceive a behavior as clingy, but it is actually developmentally appropriate,” Dr. Goldman says. “As adults, we sometimes are unaccustomed to the needs of children because we are not around children frequently or do not know the range of developmental norms.”
Sometimes, Dr. Goldman says a caregiver and child may have different preferences for physical touch, such as a child who adores snuggling and a parent who needs more space.
Related: People Who Moved at Least Once During Childhood Usually Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
10 Common Traits of People Who Were ‘Clingers’ During Childhood, According to Psychologists
1. Frequently requests or demands reassurance
Everyone feels insecure sometimes, and seeking reassurance from a trusted friend or family member is natural. However, when “sometimes” becomes “so often it prevents you from completing a task,” this need can become debilitating. It’s also common in people who were “clingers” as children.
“Because they haven’t had their needs met in previous situations, ‘clingers’ might constantly ask for reassurance from partners, friends or even managers,” Emery says.
2. Takes indirect approaches to getting needs met
This can take the form of meltdowns, manipulations and secrecy. These tactics can seem “juvenile.” However, it’s often understandable when you dig into a person’s past and realize they’re just trying any method—even indirect and undesirable ones—to finally get their needs met.
“They may beat around the bush, testing to see if the other person would be willing to consider meeting their needs,” Emery says. “They may even be directly subversive or manipulative and get their needs met in that way rather than having a direct conversation.”
3. Self-regulation issues
This one is a biggie. People labeled “clingy” as children may not have had attuned caregivers willing to co-regulate with them. Instead, they may have pushed “independence” and the need to learn to self-soothe before developmentally normal. As a result, they may have frequent outbursts and short fuses.
“You must be in tune with your body and your emotions to calm yourself and come back to center,” Emery says. “You must recognize your needs in order to meet them.”
Since many people labeled “clingy” as children didn’t have someone to teach them to feel at home in their bodies or recognize their needs, Emery says “clingers” can look to partners for that assistance.
4. Jealous
People labeled “clingy” as children who carry the behavior into adulthood often want friends and partners all to themselves.
“It is quite common that clingers will struggle with jealousy when they are left out of social scenes,” Dr. Goldman says. “They will often experience jealousy when they are invited to a social scene but feel left out, such as if they are not included in a joke.”
5. Conflict-avoidant
“Clingers” can be naturally anxious and have insecure attachments, Dr. Goldman says.
“Conflict can increase anxiety and feelings of insecure attachment,” Dr. Goldman says. “Therefore, many folks who are clingy as children learn to avoid conflict. This means situations will be less anxiety provoking and more likely to maintain attachment.”
Related: 13 Phrases You Should Use During a Fight If You Have a Different Attachment Style Than Your Partner
6. Struggles to make decisions alone
Sounding boards can prevent us from making regrettable choices. However, Holland says people labeled “clingers” as kids can often require too many cooks to stay in the kitchen for too long when mulling over a decision.
“Adults who grew up clinging often have a hard time trusting their choices, feeling more comfortable letting others make decisions for them,” Holland says. “For example, they might hesitate to pick a restaurant or choose a career path without substantial input from others, fearing they’ll get it wrong if they go it alone.”
7. Boundary woes
People with attachment issues can feel threatened by boundaries.
“They might engage in constant or frequent texting without regard for the busy work meetings you had that day or the test you were studying for,” Emery says. “A friend asking for some alone time—usually in an attempt to meet their own needs by themselves—can feel like abandonment to the person with anxiety.”
However, Emery says it’s important to understand people’s needs for space, especially your own. Not setting boundaries can lead to self-neglect and people-pleasing, Emery warns.
8. Moving quickly in relationships
While relationships can move at their own pace without a timetable for “shoulds” like marriage and kids, Dr. Goldman says people who grew up with a “clingy” label can benefit from learning when to pump the breaks.
“Clingers feel more secure when they are close to another person,” Dr. Goldman says. “As a result, they move quickly in developing new relationships. In the context of friendships, they might pay someone a lot of compliments often. In the romantic context, it might feel similar to ‘love bombing.'”
9. Fears of abandonment and rejection
Holland says adults who grew up feeling the need to “cling” often have deep fears of abandonment and rejection. In relationships, this fear can manifest as Chicken Little-style behavior. The sky is always falling, and taking more than five minutes to respond to a text clearly means the other person is mad.
“They might frequently worry about relationships ending or feel anxious when people seem emotionally distant,” Holland says.
10. People-pleasing tendencies
Holland says these tendencies are often traced to a childhood with limited connection.
“In adulthood, people-pleasers often prioritize others’ needs to an unhealthy extent, sometimes sacrificing their own well-being,” Holland says. “They might overcommit at work or avoid setting boundaries in friendships to avoid upsetting [someone].”
Up Next:
Related: Individuals Who Grew Up as ‘People-Pleasers’ Usually Develop These 12 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Sources:
- Janice Holland, LPC-S, a licensed professional counselor and supervisor
- Kathryn “Nin” Emery, LPC with Thriveworks
- Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor
