Psychologists Warn: These 7 Defensive Phrases Are Red Flags in a Relationship

Ever heard your partner say something in their defense that you wish they had taken back? Or perhaps there was a time you reacted defensively, spurred by the heat of the moment. In a relationship, it can be easy to become defensive without thinking. But when does it actually become a bad sign or a red flag?

According to Psychology Today, the motivation behind defensiveness is usually caused by the need to “win by undermining the other partner’s confidence.” Some psychologists say reacting in defensive ways too often can point to a deeper problem longer term, especially pointing to research by Dr. John Gottman. In what he calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” coined in the 1990s, there are four communication patterns that signal deep relationship turmoil: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

If you ask Dr. Alexandra Lash, PsyD., a licensed clinical psychologist at Portland Talk Club, Gottman’s school of thought—defensiveness in particular—is a big indicator in how relationships could falter over time.

“It’s basically what causes people to have divorces or breakups really rapidly, and defensiveness is really up there,” she says. “A lot of it is about really good communication.”

Recognizing when this self-protectiveness can be seen as a red flag is an important factor in healthy relationships. Psychologists share seven defensive phrases that can be red flags; they zero in on how they could signal larger communication issues. They also share tips on how to become less defensive and fix that part of your relationship.

Related: This ‘Often Invisible’ Behavior Is Detrimental to Relationships Long Term

Is Being Defensive Inherently a Red Flag?

Does using defensive language always mean your partner is problematic? It depends.

According to Dr. Jennifer Jondreau Thompson, Ph.D., a psychologist and Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in Connecticut and New York, it’s usually a negative sign, but it’s a response that happens more often than you might think.

She says while it’s a common thing to be defensive in relationships, it doesn’t “get you anywhere” when solving conflicts.

“Normal and negative are two different things. It’s very common, though, for people to be defensive with one another, especially in an intimate relationship,” says Dr. Thompson.

Psychologist and Director of Clinical Training for MindWell, Dr. Jeannette Correa, PhD., says it’s sometimes just a difference between a red flag and someone having issues in how they communicate.

“If we are emotionally vulnerable in the moment… we’re probably not our best [selves] in that moment,” she shares. “So you want to look out for how people respond, how are people communicating across all different emotions?”

If it only happens in one instance, someone may need some help portraying how they feel. If you’re being met with defensiveness at various times, though, it probably points to a red flag.

“If it’s happening all the time, red flag is where I would go,” says Dr. Correa. “Frequency determines how big a red flag this is, but it’s still a problem.”

Related: 6 Signs Someone Is ‘Deflecting’ and How To Respond, According to a Psychologist

7 Defensive Phrases That Are Red Flags in a Relationship, According to Psychologists

1. ‘You’re overreacting.’

Even if this phrase is true in the moment—maybe they areoverreacting about something—it immediately puts the focus back on the person expressing a need, says Dr. Lash.

“People often do this because they feel criticized or threatened by a feeling or a need someone is expressing,” she shares. “A non-defensive response would be pausing (even though it may not feel comfortable or easy) and validating the person’s thoughts or feelings, even if you do not agree with them or feel them to be valid.”

Related: 11 Phrases To Use if Someone Says You’re ‘Too Sensitive’

2. ‘I only did X because…’

Dr. Bailey Hanek, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist, says this phrase is especially hurtful because it showcases to somebody that you’re not listening to them.

“You’re not hearing that you hurt me. You’re not hearing that I’m upset, you’re just instantly defending your own actions,” she explains. “It’s the purest form of defensiveness. You’re justifying your own behavior.”

3. ‘I feel that you…’

This phrase can be tricky to decipher, according to Dr. Correa, because its defensive criticism uses an “I” statement, phrases that are often seen as a healthy communication statement.

“It’s just blaming the other person for how they’re feeling and not actually sharing what you need,” she shares. “I would really call that phrase one of the biggest red flags. It’s just going to shut down communication instead of opening it back up.”

Related: People Who Were Bullied in Childhood Often Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

4. ‘I guess I’m just a terrible person.’

This stonewalls any reconciliation between two people, says Dr. Correa.

“Taking 100% of the blame… that’s another thing that shuts down communication,” she explains. “That sort of ‘I’m at fault,’ and then walking away is another defensive red flag.”

Related: 8 Phrases High-Level Narcissists Often Use, According to Psychologists

5. ‘You didn’t do X.’

Dr. Thompson explains that leading statements with “You” can sound defensive, because you’re making someone feel responsible for your level of upset and discomfort. In most cases, it’s better to start communication with “I” statements (just not #3, remember).

“Leading with the ‘I’ is both for the sender, the person speaking and the recipient,” she says. “When I lead with ‘You,’ I’m already coming at you pissed off, most likely.”

Related: 9 Phrases That Signal Someone Has a ‘Victim Mindset,’ According to Psychologists

6. ‘I’m leaving, this is over.’

“Now you’ve created a real rift,” explains Dr. Thompson about this phrase.

That’s because, unlike others, this statement is a bit more permanent and can cause real damage if the person doesn’t actually intend it. It also leaves a problem unresolved instead of facing it headfirst. Plus, it hits people even harder if they have abandonment issues, she explains.

“Don’t ever say that unless you mean it,” she warns.

7. ‘You always do X.’

Statements that have words and phrases like “always” or “never” tend to showcase a lot of defensiveness, according to Dr. Lash. This often generalizes someone’s entire character; it’s hurtful.

“If someone says, ‘You’re always this way,’ it says more than just showing you’re frustrated in the moment,” she says. “It says you’re always this way as a person.”

Related: 12 Things You Should Never, Ever Say to Your Partner, According to Gottman-Trained Therapists

How To Become Less Defensive in Your Relationship

A good piece of advice is to “slow down,” says Dr. Lash.

“Take a breath, don’t just respond,” she suggests. “Take a moment and really listen to what someone is asking of you or what they’re trying to tell you. Try to take away your own discomfort with whatever they’re trying to say, for a moment before responding.”

Focusing on one’s own self is a good way to redirect any defensiveness too. Dr. Thompson explains that it’s always better not to be “other-focused,” in order to truly evaluate what you need in the moment before responding.

“Start with yourself… ‘What do I need right now? Am I hungry, angry, lonely, tired? Am I ready to talk to my partner about this? What if I don’t get a favorable response? Am I able to handle that?'” she explains. “It’s really starting with self, and not focusing on your partner. It’s really focusing on you.”

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Sources:

• Dr. Alexandra Lash, PsyD., is a licensed clinical psychologist at Portland Talk Club.
• Dr. Jennifer Jondreau Thompson, Ph.D., is a psychologist and Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in Connecticut and New York.
• Dr. Jeannette Correa, PhD., is a psychologist and the Director of Clinical Training for MindWell.
• Dr. Bailey Hanek, Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist.