For some people a ‘sleep divorce,’ where couples sleep separately to get a better night’s rest, may actually strengthen the relationship.Paul Campbell/Getty Images
Most couples choose to sleep in the same bed, but this habit may be driven by cultural norms more than thorough consideration of what is most conducive to healthy sleep. As norms shift, many people are now exploring “sleep divorce,” the practice of sleeping separately in the hopes of getting a better night’s rest. Although the name sounds harsh, for some couples a sleep divorce may actually strengthen the relationship.
Here are some things to know about the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your partner.
Sharing a bed can sometimes improve sleep…
A familiar presence in the bed can be comforting, setting the stage for a good night – especially for couples with a positive relationship and effective conflict management. Even just our partner’s scent may enhance sleep quality.
Laboratory studies suggest that co-sleeping can help some people sleep longer, more deeply and with more REM sleep.
An intriguing body of research also shows that bed-sharing increases periods during which both partners are asleep or awake at the same time. A German study even reported that couples who share a bed have synchronized sleep stages. As romantic as this may sound, we don’t quite yet know if synchronized sleeping is desirable. For example, if your partner has a bad night, this could mean that they may drag you down with them.
…but it can also lead to sleep disturbances
The benefits of co-sleeping are far from universal.
Sleeping next to someone can raise ambient temperature, expose us to more sounds (from breathing to blankets shuffling) and increase motion transfer disturbances as our bed partner moves around. All of this can hinder our ability to doze off, progress to deeper stages of sleep and stay asleep.
In addition, one partner’s poor sleep can negatively affect the other. For example, studies estimate that 19 to 46 per cent of one’s tossing and turning may cause their partner to do the same.
Does ambient noise really help you get a better night’s sleep?
How to know if a sleep divorce is right for you
The effects of co-sleeping differ greatly from one couple to another, and even from one partner to the other. For instance, some studies suggest that women’s sleep may be more sensitive to their bed partner than men’s.
Continuing research will hopefully help us better understand who would sleep better in a separate bed. Meanwhile, here are a few factors to consider in your decision process:
- Your respective sleep schedules. Although many people prefer to turn in at the same time as their partner, couples who have similar bedtimes are more likely to disrupt each other’s sleep.
- Your chronotype (your body’s natural preference for when to fall asleep and wake up). Those who have later chronotypes (night owls) than their bed partners may be more resilient to co-sleeping.
- Your individual sleep profiles. Sharing a bed with someone who has a sleep disorder such as insomnia or untreated sleep apnea, can lead to more nighttime awakenings and poorer sleep. If you are the one battling a sleep disorder, co-sleeping can also make things worse.
Overall, there is no single answer for everyone, but choosing the option that best protects your and your partner’s sleep can boost the quality of your relationship.
Can better sleep lead to better sex — and vice versa?
If you sense that co-sleeping negatively affects you or your partner, it may be time to test out separate sleeping arrangements for a while. You could experiment with staggered sleep schedules, sleeping in different beds or sleeping in different bedrooms. To better track changes, you could even fill out a sleep diary before and after the switch. After a week or so, regroup with your partner to share your observations.
Keep in mind that you and your other half may have different experiences while co-sleeping versus sleeping apart. An open, considerate and caring stance is critical to ensure decisions about bed sharing or sleep divorce are optimal for both of you. No matter who sleeps where, a well-rested couple is more likely to be a happy couple.
Dr. Rébecca Robillard, PhD, is a clinical neuropsychologist and associate professor at the School of Psychology at the University of Ottawa. She also leads clinical sleep research at the Royal mental health hospital. She co-chairs the Canadian Sleep Research Consortium, a national hub of sleep scientists and clinicians.