The 3-Word Phrase That Instantly Puts Someone Else at Ease, According to a Psychologist

In the movies, certain characters always seem to know exactly how to express themselves. When someone is upset or having a bad day, there’s usually a perfectly timed line that makes everything better, and somehow, people always know the right words to say to one another. Whether it’s the best friend delivering a heartfelt pep talk; the romantic lead making someone feel loved and understood; or the wise character offering a perfectly timed piece of advice, everything seems to come together in just the right moment.

But in real life? That’s a bit trickier to pull off.

In fact, if you’ve ever found yourself in a situation where a friend or loved one is talking to you, and you suddenly feel tongue-tied, you’re not alone. When you genuinely want to help, it can be surprisingly difficult to know what to say in the moment. You may worry about saying the wrong thing, accidentally making things worse or coming across as dismissive when all you really want to do is help.

To help you feel a little more prepared and give you some words to reach for when the moment comes again, Parade spoke to Dr. Jaime Zuckerman (aka Dr. Z), a licensed clinical psychologist, narcissistic abuse expert and relationship coach. The good news is, she says you don’t need to memorize any complicated responses. Instead, she explains there is a simple three-word phrase that instantly puts someone else at ease when you say it.

Curious to find out what it is and why it can be a great sentence to keep in your back pocket for those moments when someone needs to feel heard? Keep reading!

Related: Psychiatrist Says the 1 Phrase That Instantly Shuts Down a Dismissive Person Isn’t What You Might Think

The 3-Word Secret: Why ‘That Makes Sense’ Instantly Puts People at Ease

Sometimes, the simplest words can have the biggest emotional impact. When someone feels heard and understood rather than judged or corrected, they’re more likely to relax and open up. That’s exactly what happens when you reply to someone by saying, “That makes sense.”

So, why does that short phrase make a person feel at ease? “Saying ‘That makes sense’ validates a person’s experience, feelings and opinions,” Dr. Zuckerman tells Parade.

She notes that the power of the phrase lies in the comfort it can provide, which offers a sense that everything is going to be okay. So, while you’re not necessarily agreeing with the person you’re talking to, you’re showing them that you understand why they see things the way they do. The psychologist explains that this small distinction can lower their defenses and make them feel comfortable enough to keep talking.

“That three-word phrase creates a safe, non-judgmental space for them to express themselves freely,” she reveals.

Related: 13 Surprising Habits That Make You ‘Instantly Likable,’ Psychologists Say

The Neuroscience of Validation: What Happens to the Brain When We Feel Heard?

Why does hearing “That makes sense” feel so reassuring compared to other phrases? The answer goes deeper than simply making someone feel good. When we feel heard and validated, our brains can interpret that experience differently than one of dismissal, criticism or disagreement.

“When a person feels validated, their brain’s response of potential threat or danger is reduced, which decreases the risk for emotional reactivity such as anger, anxiety or defensiveness,” explains Dr. Zuckerman. “When we feel understood, it makes us feel connected. This human connection can result in stress hormones such as cortisol declining, while dopamine and oxytocin may be released, signaling to the body that you are, in fact, safe. Therefore, when we are emotionally dysregulated, we can experience a decrease in logical thinking and judgment; we can become more impulsive, and our problem-solving skills decrease.”

So when you respond with “That makes sense,” you’re doing more than acknowledging someone’s words. You’re giving them the experience of being understood, which can change the emotional tone of the entire conversation you’re having with them. Instead of feeling the need to defend their perspective, they may feel more comfortable staying open, engaged and connected.

Related: If You Commonly Use These 7 Phrases, You’re More Emotionally Intelligent Than You Might Realize, According to a Psychologist

‘That Makes Sense’ vs. ‘I Understand’: The Crucial Difference

At first glance, the responses “I understand” and “That makes sense” may seem interchangeable. However, when someone is sharing a painful, personal or unfamiliar experience with you, the words you choose can change how the rest of the conversation goes, as each phrase can land differently.

“While this depends on the context of the conversation, when someone who has not had a similar or shared experience says ‘I understand,’ it can unintentionally invalidate the other person,” Dr. Zuckerman shares. “It can make their pain or experience feel minimized or misunderstood.”

In other words, saying “I understand” can sometimes imply that you know exactly what someone is going through, even when you haven’t experienced it yourself.

That’s where she says using the power of “That makes sense” comes in.

“In these instances, simply telling a person what they are saying, and the emotions they are experiencing, ‘makes sense’ gives them a sense of safety without judgment,” she states.

By saying “That makes sense” it keeps the focus on their perspective and feelings without claiming to know exactly what their experience is like. It’s a subtle difference, but one that can make someone feel acknowledged rather than misunderstood when you’re talking to them.

Related: Stop Saying These 9 Common Phrases to People Who Are Grieving, Experts Warn

How To Use Validation Phrases in 3 Tough Everyday Scenarios

Knowing why validation works is one thing, but knowing what to say in the moment is another, especially when it comes to different people and different situations. Dr. Zuckerman offers a few examples of how validation can sound in some of the tougher conversations we may find ourselves having with loved ones or friends and coworkers.

• With an anxious friend: “I hear you, and that makes sense. I know you’re going through a lot right now, and I will be right here with you through this.”
• With a defensive partner: “While it was never my intention to hurt you, I see your point, and it makes sense why my behavior was hurtful.”
• With a stressed colleague: “Your frustration makes sense. Let’s work together to see how we can solve this problem.”

Related: Psychologist Says the Most ‘Magnetic’ People in a Room Actually Do These 9 Things

5 Other Phrases Psychologists Use To Build Instant Trust

“That makes sense” is just one phrase that can help someone feel heard and understood. Dr. Zuckerman also recommends a handful of other phrases and approaches for creating a sense of safety, connection and trust.

Here are five examples she suggests, along with why she says each one can be effective. One doesn’t even involve you opening your mouth.

1. “So what I hear you saying is that you feel completely overwhelmed by [specific reason]”

She says it is important that the person feels heard. Repeating what the person has said can do just this.

2. “Your feelings and reaction are understandable and appropriate”

Dr. Zuckerman says this can make the person feel like they aren’t overreacting and that their responses are appropriate to the context.

3. “I see you, and I’m here with you”

She explains that, in emotionally heightened situations, sometimes people can’t articulate what they need or express their emotions and thoughts. Simply being present with the person can lift the burden of having to explain themselves.

4. [Speak with your body language]

While not a phrase, she reveals that body language is critical and can be a silent phrase or a silent but loud way to communicate without involving you having to use actual words.

“Maintaining eye contact and using a calm tone of voice can make someone feel comfortable and safe, which is why body language can be a phrase in itself,” she explains.

5. “Help me to understand what that was like for you”

According to Dr. Zuckerman, this shows genuine effort and concern to try to understand the person’s experience and pain.

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Related: Why ‘Just Be Yourself’ Is Actually Terrible Advice, According to a Behavioral Scientist

Source:

• Dr. Jaime Zuckerman (aka Dr. Z) is a licensed clinical psychologist, narcissistic abuse expert and relationship coach. She is also the owner and founder of The Z Group, as well as the author of Find Your Calm.