Whether you’ve had to look up the word’s definition for yourself or you’ve had to explain what it meant to a parent or friend, we have almost all likely come in contact with the term “gaslighting.” While it might seem like the buzzword of the moment, it is a real thing and goes deeper than just lying.
“Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used to minimize, demean or disregard a person’s thoughts and feelings,” Dr. Michele Leno, PhD, LP, a licensed psychologist as well as the founder and owner of DML Psychological Services, PLLC, told Parade in a previous article.
If someone is a gaslighter, they’re trying to make you question your reality and what you know to be true in order to benefit their own narrative. They want to invalidate your feelings and your lived experiences, so they engineer lies even if you were there and heard things differently with your own two ears.
This form of manipulation can be difficult to wrap your head around, let alone handle on your own. Sometimes you have to just ignore the person, but how do you deal with a gaslighter if you can’t just avoid them or their tactics? Well, we have a psychologist-approved, five-word phrase that you should never say to a gaslighter, and some examples of what to say instead.
Related: 9 Tactics High-Level Gaslighters Use That Most People Miss
The 5-Word Phrase To Avoid Saying to a Gaslighter, According to a Psychologist
There are some things you should never say to a gaslighter so as not to give them fuel, enable them or put yourself in an even harder position in terms of dealing with them. In a previous article detailing genius phrases to shut down gaslighting, Dr. Leno shared that one phrase you should never say to a gaslighter is “You’re right, it’s my fault.” And yes, that means not even saying it to be sarcastic.
“A gaslighter will take it seriously and use it against you for years to come,” she explained at the time. “Never take responsibility for a gaslighter’s behavior just to keep the peace.”
It can unfortunately be easy to fall into this trap of taking the blame for whatever they’re trying to fault you for. They can be very coercive and very good at manipulating people, especially if they’re a high-level gaslighter. And the whole point of gaslighting is to make you question your very truth and reality.
“Gaslighting leads to people feeling such a sense of uncertainty that they begin to question their reality, their memories, their experiences and their emotions,” Dr. Michele Goldman, PhD, a psychologist and Hope for Depression media advisor, told Parade in that same article. “This does not occur overnight. True gaslighting is a subtle form of manipulation that occurs over a period of time—weeks, months and even years—and results in a person no longer having a strong sense of self.”
But again, it’s imperative that you don’t admit fault, even if you’re just doing it to placate them, because it will have the opposite effect in the long run.
Related: You Won’t Hear Emotionally Intelligent People Use This 1 Phrase With Friends, Psychologist Says
What To Say to a Gaslighter Instead
So what do you say instead? You, of course, don’t want to escalate the conflict with them, but you also don’t want to use a peacekeeping phrase. Well, Dr. Goldman had the perfect response to use instead of “You’re right, it’s my fault”:
“I will accept responsibility for my role in this. I would appreciate it if you would take responsibility for your own role in this.”
If you are partially at fault for the conflict—or if you said some mean or petty things while arguing—instead of fully taking responsibility, you’re acknowledging your part in the situation while also asking them to share the blame for what they did as well. But all without pointing fingers.
Related: You Won’t Hear High-Level Thinkers Using This 1 Phrase, Psychologists Say
Another phrase that Dr. Leno likes to suggest to shut down gaslighters is “I know that’s not true.” This is especially good to use in situations where you have done nothing wrong and are feeling backed into a corner to say it’s your fault.
Up Next:
Related: Use This Phrase When You Need a ‘Healthy Way To Agree To Disagree,’ Psychologist Says
Sources:
- Dr. Michele Leno, PhD, LP, is a licensed psychologist as well as the founder and owner of DML Psychological Services, PLLC.
- Dr. Michele Goldman, PhD, is a psychologist and Hope for Depression media advisor.