Red flags aren’t just for unsafe waters at the beach. Psychologists share it’s important to notice red flags in relationships as well—but some are easy to overlook.
“Red flags point to behavior that chips away at safety, connection or identity,” explains Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist. “Ignoring them doesn’t make them go away—it often leads to emotional burnout, chronic self-doubt and cycles that repeat in future relationships.”
Yet, she says people may miss red flags if they grew up in families where only positive vibes were allowed or if love came with strings attached. However, even people who had solid childhoods can fall into traps of missing relationship warning signs. It’s natural to want to stick around, hoping things will improve. Ironically, flagging issues is a more effective way to give your relationship a fighting chance.
“Noticing red flags doesn’t mean jumping to conclusions or cutting off all relationships where you see red flags,” she explains. “It means listening to your body’s cues and paying attention to patterns that don’t sit right and then addressing these issues with your partner.”
Dr. McGeehan helps people play detective by sharing the six most overlooked red flags in a relationship—and what to do next.
Related: 25 Red Flags That Signify a Toxic Relationship, According to Psychotherapists
6 of the Most Overlooked Red Flags in a Relationship, According to a Psychologist
These are the warning signs that people often miss.
1. They prioritize what their mother will think over their own preferences
“Try not to laugh about this one,” Dr. McGeehan says.
While it may sound “typical,” she stresses that nothing gets the alarm bells going in her head more quickly than a client in a long-term relationship with a guy who constantly puts his mother’s preferences ahead of theirs. She says it’s often a sign of “enmeshment,” or a boundary-free relationship.
“The biggest relationship issues as a result of enmeshment include loyalty conflicts, avoidance of conflict and passive dependency, AKA putting the mental load on their partner,” she explains. “It usually sounds like, ‘I would love to come hang out with you like we planned, but my mom just asked if I would take her to lunch and she doesn’t have anyone else, so I need to be there for her.'”
Related: 7 Signs You Have a Codependent Relationship With Your Mother, According to a Psychologist
2. They make jokes about your boundaries
While we’re on the subject of boundaries (or lack thereof), Dr. McGeehan says it’s easy to laugh off a partner who uses your boundaries as joke material. However, she warns that teasing about limits, such as a need for alone time, is a flag that your partner may not be a stand-up main squeeze.
“It seems playful at first, but it’s actually a sign that they don’t take your needs seriously,” she reveals. “That in and of itself erodes trust. However, it also indicates that your partner doesn’t have boundaries themselves. It’s challenging to be healthy in a relationship with someone who is not healthy and isn’t aware they have work to do.”
3. You feel anxious after spending time with them
Dr. McGeehan explains that people often think confusion is a sign that things are on the right track, but chronic anxiety in a relationship isn’t a good sign.
“Many people mistake anxiety for chemistry,” she says. “If you’re walking away from time together feeling unsure, overanalyzing what you said or [feeling] disconnected from yourself, that’s a red flag.”
She stresses that healthy connections bring calm instead of confusion.
“A good way to test this one is to follow up about areas you have confusion on,” Dr. McGeehan suggests. “For example, ‘Hey, when you said you wanted exclusivity but didn’t want to spend more time together, I felt confused. Can you tell me more about that?'”
Related:What Is Gaslighting? 11 Subtle Signs of Gaslighting To Look for in Your Relationship
4. They say the right things but don’t follow through
Actions speak louder than words, and a lack of follow-through says a lot.
“Say-do correspondence is huge in relationships,” Dr. McGeehan explains. “It’s how we build trust and signals to our nervous system that we are safe… I always tell my clients to listen to behavior over words.”
She acknowledges that we’re all human, so occasional lack of follow-through is normal. However, it’s toxic when it becomes a trend, even if they have a list of excuses.
“The reality is that if someone wants to do something, they will do it,” Dr. McGeehan points out.
Related: 6 Subtle Signs of ‘Future Faking’ To Look Out for in Relationships, Psychologists Warn
5. They don’t have close friendships and blame their exes for everything
Dr. McGeehan often sees people mistake this flake for “independence” and “bad luck.”
“If someone has no long-standing connections or constantly paints themselves as the victim in past relationships, it usually points to a pattern of avoiding accountability or conflict resolution,” she explains. “Remember, we move toward what feels familiar—not healthy. So, if you notice this pattern with someone, be ready to inherit all that baggage and work if you get into a serious relationship with them.”
She says it’s doable, but it can come with a hefty price tag (and a willingness to couple’s and individual therapy will be 100/10 necessary).
6. You catch yourself downplaying your discomfort
Dr. McGeehan says you’ll need to turn inward to come to terms with this one.
“You may say things like ‘I’m probably overreacting’ or ‘They didn’t mean it like that,'” she shares. “When you’re constantly overriding your own instincts, you’re signaling to your nervous system that your discomfort doesn’t matter and the signals it sends aren’t real. This creates a foundation of not trusting yourself within the relationship.”
Related:35 Phrases To Disarm a Narcissist and Why They Do the Trick, According to Therapists
What To Do if You Notice Relationship Red Flags
1. Pause before reacting
It’s understandable to want to hit the road the moment you notice relationship red flags—and that might be the best course. However, Dr. McGeehan suggests taking a beat.
“You don’t need to confront or walk away immediately,” she explains. “Just noticing the pattern is powerful.”
She suggests reflecting on what your feelings and whether the behavior was genuinely a one-off or part of a pattern. Journaling or voice-noting your reaction is useful in helping you determine the latter.
“Over time, you will have data to reflect back on when you are trying to tell yourself, ‘It doesn’t happen that often, though,'” she says.
2. Talk about the behavior, not the person
“I statements” are clutch here because they keep conversations productive and reduce the need for one partner to get defensive.
“Instead of saying ‘You’re disrespectful,’ try ‘When you ignore what I ask for, I feel dismissed,'” Dr. McGeehan suggests.
These conversations can feel loaded and nerve-wracking, though. Therefore, she says it’s “game-changing” to bring an outline of what you want to say, and explains that an outline might include:
- Writing out the behavior you observed
- The story you told yourself about it
- The emotions you felt
- The request for the future (if applicable)
“Bring this written out on a sheet of paper and ask your partner not to interrupt,” Dr. McGeehan suggests. “It can feel silly, but this is a grounding exercise in productive communication. Your partner may also want a sheet of paper to write down their thoughts or emotions as you are talking.”
3. Get a trusted outside perspective
Sometimes, you just can’t get a read on your gut instinct.
“When you’re too close to the dynamic, it’s hard to see clearly,” Dr. McGeehan shares. “Talk to a therapist, coach or friend who knows your history and can reflect back what’s healthy and what’s not.”
However, she shares it’s important to go through step one (reflection) first.
“Even a paid professional cannot tell you what your experience is at the end of the day,” she points out. “Good ones will reflect it back, but ultimately, you know your experience better than anyone else.”
Up Next:
Related: 25 Green Flags in a Relationship That Point to a Healthy Partnership
Source:
- Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist