Parents of newly independent kids should avoid daily check-ins and surprise visits, and resist the urge to offer unsolicited help or advice.Kenneth C. Zirkel/Getty Images/iStockphoto
During my Grade 12 year, a long time ago now, I applied to different university programs around Ontario, none of which I’d visited. A guidance counsellor gave me a list of bursaries and scholarships and told me about the Ontario Student Assistance Program. The information felt overwhelming, but I worked through it.
What stands out in my memory is my parents’ lack of involvement. Despite being university-educated themselves, they were completely hands-off when it came to decisions about my education. They didn’t ask questions or offer advice, even when I signed for a hefty student loan with little concept of what it meant, beyond free money, right now! I doubt they even knew which programs I’d applied to (an odd mix of midwifery, environmental science and English literature, if you’re wondering). They trusted my ability to figure it out, just as their parents had done with them.
Then I deferred my acceptance at the University of Toronto and moved to Brazil to live on a beach. My parents voiced more opinions about that than my postponed education, mainly insisting that I come home after a year, but again, they left it to me to figure out accommodations. When I did return, they hadn’t changed their approach, never weighing in on my course selection or anything else related to school. They did agree to drive me to school the day before classes began, which was nice.
My parents were not uninvolved because they didn’t care; rather, they recognized that I was a young adult who was ready for responsibility. They had busy lives of their own and no spare time to micromanage my life. I didn’t mind; I knew they’d be there in an emergency.
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Time flies, as any parent knows, and somehow my oldest son is now in Grade 11, talking about university. I struggle with the thought of relinquishing control in the way my parents did (he seems so young!), but I remind myself that we parents have a tough but necessary task at this stage in our kids’ lives. We have to force ourselves to let go, even though it runs counter to all we’ve done for the past 18 years.
In an effort to prepare myself, I have been thinking about my own experience and talking to parents with older kids, as well as some young adults, about which sorts of deliberate behaviours and choices comprise this tricky art of letting go.
The consensus appears to be that parents of newly independent kids should avoid daily check-ins, letting the young people initiate communication. Don’t make surprise FaceTime calls or show up unannounced at their new homes. A 19-year-old friend suggested parents resist the urge to offer unsolicited help or advice, adding that kids will ask for it when they need it.
Another friend, who’s a dad, told me not to expect them to ask permission to go places any more. And forget about curfews. To that I’d add, stop tracking their whereabouts, if that’s something you did previously. Young adults deserve privacy, and too much information mixed with speculation will only make you worry.
It’s important not to manage their money any more. Depending on your family’s arrangement, shift from an allowance to a budget, or encourage them to get a part-time job. They should have a credit card that they are responsible for paying monthly, along with their phone bill, groceries, rent and other costs.
Resist involvement in course selections, workload and deadlines. You could offer to edit essays or explain concepts related to your area of expertise, but otherwise stay quiet – and do not check an online portal for grades. Delete the login information! Let them come to you if there’s a problem or grant them the opportunity to handle failure privately.
When it comes to household chores, parents advised against doing their laundry or batch-cooking when they visit. Avoid booking medical and dental appointments and haircuts and try not to fret about what they’re eating or not eating. When it comes to holiday plans, you can invite them, but you can’t force them to attend.
The goal of this transition is summarized well in the phrase, “a shift from manager to mentor.” You’re not abandoning your child, just redrawing the relationship’s boundaries to promote growth.
If you’re struggling, reorganize their bedroom as a visual reminder that they’re not the same little kid any more. Take pride in having raised a child to this point. Remind yourself of how exciting it felt to be young, venturing out into the world for the first time, and perhaps you, too, can seize this opportunity to rediscover yourself. Maybe it’s time to go find another Brazilian beach.
