The best ways to talk through the tough task of planning for aging loved ones, according to our experts | Canada Voices

Canada’s population is getting older – nearly one in five Canadians is over the age of 65, according to Statistics Canada – and it’s changing the way that families are thinking about the future.

On Feb. 20, generations reporter Ann Hui, time use reporter Zosia Bielski and retirement reporter Meera Raman answered reader questions on how Canadians are planning for aging families and navigating the emotional and financial changes.

Readers asked about how they can plan for their own golden years, how to have tough conversations with family members and the state of caregiving in Canada. Here are some highlights from the Q&A.

Navigating relationships

How can you talk about getting help for an aging relative if they’re not ready to have that conversation?

Ann Hui: This is such a tough situation, and one I’ve heard from many other families. There are many cultures, families, even generational groups, who consider it taboo – offensive, even – to bring up these conversations.

What experts have told me, however, is that these discussions are important ones. And that the long-term benefit of having had these discussions far outweigh the potentially short-term discomfort of causing conflict.

That said, there might be ways of broaching the subject that might feel a little less confrontational. One expert recommended something along the lines of, “Hey, I was talking to a friend, and they’re doing XYZ to plan for aging. What do you think about that?”

Even in close-knit families, caring for aging parents takes its toll on sibling relationships

For adult children of aging parents, how can I best handle my parents’ estate and wishes for care?

Meera Raman: Sit down and have a conversation. You can ask questions like, “When you envision being cared for in 10 years, what does that look like for you?”

Understand their values and wishes, and work together to see how you can make it a reality, without compromising yourself or your future. It’s always best to have a conversation now, rather than scramble later and guess at what your parents wanted.

I wrote a story last year about how these conversations are best had in a comfortable, relaxing environment, such as on vacation. If you all take a weekend away together, everyone is already relaxed, which makes harder conversations a bit easier to have. Sometimes being in family homes, where there can be memories of tension, can make these conversations tougher.

How do I get my aging traditional and religious Pakistani parents to openly share what they have planned for their final years? They simply refuse to talk about it, are getting older and have growing health issues.

Zosia Bielski: That is frustrating, short-sighted and stressful for you, as their obviously very caring child. In Canada, various studies are looking at the experiences of South Asian caregivers, collaborating with a number of organizations that provide services to the South Asian community. It’s worth reaching out to groups like the Council of Agencies Serving South Asians and the South Asian Women’s Centre, which help families and seniors through a culturally relevant lens.

Raman: As a fellow child of immigrant parents, I just wanted to add in a note of solidarity!

I know how challenging it is to try to navigate these very real cultural differences. And how trying it is to balance what “experts” tell us and what our families – who come from very different cultures, often with very different values and norms – expect.

Planning your future

I am an aging parent. I’ve ensured my children know of my wishes through a will, as well as where my accounts can be found. Is there anything else I should be doing?

Raman: You’re already on the right track. It’s also important to assign powers of attorney: one for personal care and one for property. Sometimes, one person holds both roles, but often, they’re split.

Just a heads up: In Ontario, under the Substitute Decisions Act, the attorney for property is entitled to compensation unless the document states otherwise, while the personal care role is not.

Families can draft agreements to prohibit compensation or enter an agreement to pay those providing care, but many don’t.

What are childless couples doing to bridge that care gap that children have traditionally served?

Hui: A few of the people I spoke with for this story were childless, and talked about their planning-for-aging process which has instead involved other relatives, family friends, and even friends and colleagues.

Caregiving in Canada

How can an acting caregiver to an older relative manage themselves also getting older and needing help?

Bielski: One-fifth of caregivers in this country are over 65. This 2024 report does a good job of laying out the challenges for caregivers who are also aging themselves (start on page 37).

Older caregivers say the priority is making home care and respite services more easily available. It might be useful to look up local organizations that connect caregivers of all ages, who exchange wisdom and resources.

This free, self-paced, online course from McMaster University also comes highly recommended; it’s tailored for unpaid family caregivers and includes material on caregivers’ own well-being.

Both my husband and I are working professionals, and are now having to take care of my aging father-in-law. We’re struggling to split this new responsibility and the workload that comes with it.

Bielski: Because this is still such a blind spot for employers, caregivers are often left coming up with DIY ways to make it work.

Do you know if your workplace HR has family caregiving on its radar, through policies, leaves, days off or online resource portals?

The family caregivers I interviewed talked about the importance of being transparent with employers early about demands at home. Transparency helps with planning, setting flexible hours around medical appointments and arranging backfills, where necessary. Obviously, this is only realistic if you’ve got relative seniority, and if your managers are humane, compassionate people.

Another avenue worth acquainting yourself with: the various caregiver leaves offered federally and provincially, including family responsibility leaves, critical illness leaves and compassionate care leaves. It’s a mix of paid and unpaid leaves, some pulling from employment insurance, others offering job protection upon return. There’s a good list at the end of this 2022 report.

Hui: This is a challenging situation, and one that so many families across the country are facing. Workload imbalances and burnout are major issues.

The best advice I’ve heard from families I’ve talked to who are in this same situation is the importance of communication. Maybe that means having a spreadsheet or a whiteboard that makes clear each family members’ duties – this can help with scheduling, but also can help with ensuring an equal workload so that nobody feels overburdened.

The best advice I’ve heard from eldercare planners, meanwhile, is to ask for help! If you’re in the position to do so, maybe that means outsourcing certain tasks. Paying for a meal service, or a housecleaner. And if that’s not a possibility, maybe there are other relatives or family friends who might be willing to pitch in.

Easing the load: The caregiver-friendly workplace is emerging

What stood out to you the most when reporting on your individual stories about aging families and caregivers?

Raman: A big thing that stood out to me was how much people underestimate the financial pressures of aging. For example, I chatted with a 64-year-old woman named Cathy Soda who had planned to retire, but put that on hold so she could afford a bigger house for her father to age in. That was a sudden decision that completely changed her retirement plan.

And when caregivers feel burned out, they sometimes pay for external help. But that can cost a lot: One couple I talked to spends $30,000 a year on caregivers.

Bielski: When I spoke with Christa Haanstra, who’s doing pioneering research on working caregivers, she said something that stayed with me:

“We know that the people who are caregiving are the ones in the family who are high-performing – the ones you rely on. The people pulling their weight caregiving are the ones who are going to pull their weight at work.”

Cynthia Iorio, who cared for both her parents before they died, said this:

“There is crossover between the amount of passion somebody has to support their family and contribute to the people who raised them, and the same passion at work – wanting to foster a kind of family relationship with your employees, employers and the work you do. That passion bleeds into both areas.”

What they’re saying is intuitive: The people caring at home are the same people caring at work. And that there might be a business case for managers to retain these very workers. It’s staggering that more employers aren’t waking up to this.