The importance of friendship in marriage: How long-term couples have stayed friends through the years | Canada Voices

A romantic partner can be many things: a companion, a co-parent, a sounding board, a teammate and, if you’re lucky, a dear friend.

“Marry your best friend” may sound like a cliché, but research has shown that life satisfaction is significantly higher among people who say their spouse is their best friend, and the same emotional dynamics that define friendship – affection, warmth, enjoyment – have been shown to be direct predictors of marital satisfaction.

“Creating a foundation of likeness for your partner, of fondness and emotional responsiveness, is the core system that binds relationships together,” said Tiffany Petite, a couples therapist and the co-founder of Virtuous Circle Counselling in Calgary. “That mutual respect will consistently predict longevity in relationships over time.”

Friendship looks like prioritizing quality time together, investing in new experiences for you to share, showing curiosity in the other person, recognizing that you’re both individuals with unique needs and interests, sharing hopes and goals for the future, communicating honestly and having a foundation of trust.

“Having that team approach will help you be that much more resilient,” Petite said.

The Globe and Mail spoke to four couples about how they continue to cultivate friendship in their relationships after many years together.

A fun-filled life

Tessa and Jamie Casella met on the dating site Lavalife 18 years ago, but they almost didn’t. Tessa was about to delete her account when she received a message from “Adventureguy,” noting their similar interests and asking her to chat.

“We never really looked back after that,” she said. They discovered they both liked running and travel, and had a shared profession as teachers.

They met in January of 2008 and were engaged by October of that year. Nearly two decades later, the Thunder Bay, Ont.-based couple share a teenage daughter, two dogs and a full, joyful life together. Their secret, Tessa says, is their strong friendship.

“In the morning I always pour his coffee for him, make his bagel and we chat over breakfast and we always have supper together,” she said.

And when conflict arises, they face it as a team.

“We don’t fight, we have discussions,” Tessa said. “If something’s on our minds, we talk it out.”

They respect each other’s differences (she’s more emotional and social, while he’s quieter and more stoic), make an effort to understand each other’s feelings and, perhaps most importantly, make sure to keep having fun together.

“If you weren’t having fun with your friends, you probably wouldn’t want to hang out with them any more,” she said. “Having a sense of humour, being silly, goofing around, that’s what makes it work.”

From friends to lovers

Vikram and Sneha Nigam met at a wedding in Banaras, India, when they were just 15 years old. What ensued over the next 15 years was a classic friends-to-lovers tale: years of friendship, falling out of touch, reconnecting, refusing to face confusing feelings for one another and, eventually – thanks to some encouragement from Sneha’s parents – realizing they were in love.

The couple, both 36, now live in Langley, B.C., and have been married for six and a half years. “Friendship is the backbone of our marriage,” says Sneha. This has helped create a dynamic where both people are free to truly be themselves.

“When you’re friends, you share everything and you know the other person is not going to judge you,” she said.

They never stop sharing and showing curiosity in each other’s experiences.

“Even today, when we go to restaurants, we start talking about our childhood or telling each other stories,” she said. “We talk for three, four hours.”

They also maintain a level of respect, of courtesy, for one another at all times. They still say “please” and “thank you” and apologize if they interrupt each other. They’ve even had public disagreements in Hindi and had waiters mistake the conversation for a loving discussion.

“Because we know each other so well, I don’t have to shout to prove my point,” Sneha said. “I can just say, ‘Okay, calmly tell me what’s going on,’ and then the other person is there to hear you.”

Partnership without ownership

Kris, 62, and Andy Hollenburg, 65, also began their relationship as friends. They met through Kris’s roommate at Western University in 1984 and discovered they were neighbours, quickly becoming pals and spending more and more time together.

“He was kind of like a brotherly figure in a way, almost like a protector,” Kris said, explaining that she had a “peeping Tom” at that time and she would call Andy to come over whenever she felt unsafe.

After about seven months of platonic friendship, Andy confessed to Kris that he thought he might be in love with her. She rejected him, afraid of losing their friendship. But just a few months later, after he offered to make her soup when she was sick, she realized he might just be the guy for her. They got together and never looked back, marrying a few years later.

The Toronto-based couple recently celebrated their 37th wedding anniversary in Hawaii, doing what they’ve done since before they were even an item: having fun.

“Our 40 years together have been built on having a good time together,” Kris said. “It’s only gotten better and better and better.”

Because they got to know each other as friends first, without any expectations, they’ve never tried to have ownership over one another. They encourage each other to keep growing, to make new friends and find new hobbies. They do things separately, but they also show interest in each other’s hobbies. Kris plays more sports now than she once did, while Andy is more into cooking and gardening than he used to be. They haven’t moulded into one being, Kris said, but they have merged into two interconnected ones.

“I think the friendship is richer now than it was at the start, and we’re able to be more vulnerable with each other,” Kris said. “What Andy and I are learning is that it’s not about right or wrong in relationships, it’s about understanding each other.”

Staying engaged in life

In the late 1970s, Greg Lacroix and Robyn Welch met in a Canadian Tire parking lot in Wawa, Ont. Lacroix’s attention was initially captured by the 1966 Dodge Polara parked next to him, until he noticed who was driving it.

“The car was secondary to the woman who got out of it,” he said.

They spoke briefly that day but it wasn’t until they were set up soon after by a mutual friend that things took off. Before they knew it, they were raising four children: two of their own and two from Robyn’s first marriage.

“In those particular times, in a small town, it was not really looked upon too approvingly, having children out of wedlock,” Greg said.

Despite people’s judgment, their deep love and admiration for one another protected them from outside opinions. They did eventually wed, and they recently celebrated their 40th anniversary.

Over the years, Robyn had a successful career as an educator and Greg in government services. They’ve supported one another unconditionally, cheering each other on from the sidelines just as a best friend would.

They now reside in Bancroft, Ont., and Greg, 73, still works part-time, while Robyn, 77, is happily retired. After more than four decades together, they say they’ve never been more in love. Welch credits the deep friendship at the core of their bond, but Greg says the word “friendship” trivializes the connection they share.

“She’s guided me, supported me, loved me unconditionally through the many, many changes in our lives,” Greg said. “We never stop talking and we never stop laughing.”

He brings her breakfast in bed each morning – a show of affection Welch says is critical in a long, successful marriage. Together, they are determined to stay engaged in life as they age. Greg continues to work for this reason, while Robyn pours her passion into fostering dogs.

They share the immense joy they’ve cultivated with their adult children and 13 grandchildren.

“As life evolves, I can’t even imagine what it would be like if Greg and I weren’t the best of friends,” Welch said. “ All the rest of the things might slowly wither away, but friendship becomes stronger and stronger.”