The Main Texting Habit That Ruins Relationships, According to a Harvard-Trained Psychologist

It’s safe to say that many of us want to find (and keep) healthy relationships, right? As a result, we may pay attention to our behaviors and words, as well as how they affect the other person. It’s only natural and, honestly, smart. 

When it comes to relationship-ruiners to be mindful of, world-renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman identified four main ones: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. That’s not necessarily all. There’s also the argument that being a people-pleaser can ruin your relationships, for example, and communication red flags are just that: red flags.

Relationships don’t have to be super hard, and they can be beautiful things, but they do take work. It’s important to know what to never say to a partner, for example, and what their love language is. This holds for both romantic relationships and platonic ones.

On the note of communication, a Harvard-trained psychologist tells Parade that there’s a texting habit that causes major problems in relationships, especially early on. For those of us navigating the chaotic world of online dating apps—and for individuals who already have partners or friends—she shares need-to-know insights, backed with recent survey data.

For the common texting habit she’s seen ruin relationships, why it’s such a problem, how to text for best results and other unhelpful texting habits many of us have, keep reading.

Related: People Who Avoid Responding to Texts Right Away Often Share These 9 Traits, Psychologists Explain

The #1 Texting Habit That Ruins Relationships, According to a Psychologist

The texting habit that’s both relatable and not doing you any favors is not discussing your expectations around the timing of texts. This pertains to both the amount of time between responses and the number of texts exchanged before a first date is planned. 

“People fall into the mistake of either waiting too long to respond or expecting lightning-fast replies within seconds,” says Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a Harvard-trained licensed clinical psychologist and relationship expert at Hily Dating App. “This is further exacerbated by gender differences when it comes to how much texting is expected before the date.”

Sure, initiating this conversation may feel awkward, especially if you’re earlier in the relationship or not official yet. It’s worth considering, though. If you’ve ever felt frustrated by how often (or not often) someone responds, you know what we’re talking about here. 

“When expectations aren’t aligned, it’s easy for people to feel rejected or overwhelmed,” Dr. Romanoff says. “Additionally, when there’s an illusion of limitless potential partners available, people can quickly discard a match for this misalignment, which can prevent people from having true quality and fulfilling connections.” 

The effects can be fairly significant too, leading to endless misunderstandings and swiping.

“Essentially, this mismatch in timing and expectations around communication can snowball into big assumptions, and lead to ghosting, feeling turned off or unmatching,” she adds.

Related: People Who Constantly Interrupt Others Usually Struggle With These 9 Deeper Issues, Psychologists Say

Make This One Change to Your Texting Habits For Better Relationships

So, communicating about communication is major; enough said. What’s the best way to go about it? 

Dr. Romanoff encourages bravely being explicit about your expectations in the “talking stage.” Additionally, she recommends discussing how often you like messaging a potential partner and how quickly you can respond.

“It doesn’t have to be said in a hostile way; rather, with levity, to explain to them your working schedule, availability to text and how if you’re not texting every hour doesn’t signal disinterest,” she says.

She also suggests establishing a sense of compromise and collaboration. For example, if one person wants to text more before meeting, they can tell the other person about how long they’d like to text for and how frequently within that time. There might also be a happy medium: If one person likes to text a couple of times a day for a week, and another person prefers to text a couple of times a day for two weeks, they can set a date at the one-and-a-half-week point.

Wondering about the standard timing? According to Hily Dating App’s recent survey, 49 percent of women expect a reply within 15 minutes, which can be unrealistic at times, especially depending on a person’s job. This highlights the need for explicit, early communication. 

“The goal is balance and open communication,” Dr. Romanoff shares. “This means staying engaged with the person, establishing a texting presence while not physically together, all without burning out or creating resentment for either person.”

Related: Is ‘No Response’ Actually a Response? How To Know, According to an Etiquette Expert

3 Other Texting Habits That Can Ruin Relationships

As you may unfortunately be familiar with, other texting habits can be turn-offs—or at worst, red flags—in relationships. Dr. Romanoff shares some of the major examples she’s noticed.

1. Constantly disappearing from a conversation without explanation

Microghosting, not answering a question and leaving someone hanging for days is a “major red flag” that can create confusion and mistrust, according to Dr. Romanoff.

“Even if they’re not able to respond with a long, thoughtful answer, there is no excuse for leaving you hanging without an explanation,” she says.

2. Over-texting

Just like not responding much or often can mess with relationships, so can texting too much.

“When you’re constantly texting someone, they can easily feel overwhelmed, question if you have a life outside of dating and if you’re potentially love-bombing them,” Dr. Romanoff shares.

3. Under-texting 

On the flip side, only giving short responses and not volleying with the other person isn’t great either. In fact, Dr. Romanoff says it “can be both boring and make a person feel devalued.” That’s backed up by that same Hily survey, which found 62 percent of women admit to ghosting matches who don’t engage enough.

Related: Why Therapists Are Begging People To Stop ‘Dry Texting’

Should ‘Bad’ Texting Habits Automatically Ruin Relationships?

While the above texting habits are ones to avoid and don’t feel great to be on the receiving end of, Dr. Romanoff encourages people not to see them as make-or-break things.

“There is so much grey area surrounding texting, including false assumptions and miscommunications,” she explains. “We should try to assume more positive intent (when indicated) around texting blunders to see how people communicate and show up in-person.”

Again, it’s about having a conversation regarding expectations. While it may feel unnatural or like you’re “trying too hard,” it’s also a sign of maturity and can set you (and your relationships) up well in the future.

“These skills should be displayed early on in connections, and partners shouldn’t wait until dating two to three months to uncover their ability to compromise and effectively communicate with one another,” Dr. Romanoff says.

Heed that, and your dating life will thank you.

Up Next:

Related: 8 Signs You’re Actually Too Critical of Your Partner, Psychologists Warn

Sources:

• Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, is a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist, professor, researcher and writer. She’s also a relationship expert at Hily Dating App.
• The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, The Gottman Institute
• Survey: How Long Should You Chat Before a First Date?, Hily