For Hal Carlton-Ford and his wife, starting their three-year-old son on the right foot by example when it came to screen time was important.Steve Gilbert
For many frazzled parents, family time with no screens and no tantrums might sound like an elusive goal, especially when juggling a busy job and other responsibilities. Your energy is too sapped after a long day to battle with your kids over mindless TikTok scrolling or spending too much time playing Call of Duty.
But there are still ways to carve out screen-free time with family, experts say – without the meltdowns or feeling like you’ve failed as a parent.
“I always joke that parenting is the judgiest sport I’ve ever played. Other than those early days, screentime is right up there at the top of the most judgy periods of parenting,” said Emily Cherkin, author of The Screentime Solution: A Judgement-Free Guide to Becoming a Tech-Intentional Family.
For Hal Carlton-Ford and his wife, starting their three-year-old son on the right foot by example was important. They don’t have a TV, for example, but use a projector.
“It takes two minutes to set up, to pull down the screen. It really changes it. It’s not just something you reach for. When we pull down the screen and we watch a movie or something, it’s like a special event,” said Carlton-Ford, who works with Cherkin as her assistant. “We also have made a real effort to actually get Blu-ray discs, so it’s not like things that are just available at the scroll of a fingertip.”
Carlton-Ford is also a filmmaker, so he is not anti-screen. Instead, it’s about ensuring that it’s not the centre of their family’s life – and they’re finding ways of spending meaningful time together that don’t involve an iPad, TV or phone.
For example, their son is at an age where he wants to be involved in everything, so he participates in chores. It doesn’t matter whether he does a good job or not; it’s an opportunity to practice, build skills and, most importantly, foster relationships and create family time together, Carlton-Ford said.
“There’s a lot of things that I’m getting to do with him and teach him that I think I would be missing out on,” he said.
There are ways to spend meaningful time
together that don’t involve an iPad, TV or phone.Steve Gilbert
Activities such as cooking and car washing can do “double duty.” They are chores that need to be done, the kids help with family responsibilities and children of all ages can be involved, said Dr. Shahana Alibhai, an Abbotsford, B.C.-based family physician and mental health expert. Older kids may enjoy trying or developing recipes of their favourite foods while younger ones can help with measuring or mixing.
“When you find an activity where it’s okay to make mistakes and it’s okay to fail and it’s okay to even make a mess, usually that becomes a very level playing ground for everybody too,” she added.
Other ways to carve out quality family time can be planning events, outings and activities together to give everyone something to look forward to during the week, while making it clear these will be device-free times together, the experts say.
Make a list and have them put it on the calendar so they also learn to plan and schedule. It can be as simple as a walk together in the morning to get a bagel or a family walk after dinner to the ice cream shop for dessert. Even a movie night can be a family time treat – if it is one screen for the whole family and not separate devices in everyone’s hand.
“It’s actually not the screen itself. I mean, it is, but it’s because it’s the internet, because there’s unlimited content. It’s literally scroll-until-you-die, if you want to,” said Cherkin. She advocates a “tech intentional” approach to screen time, which she boils down to three things: “Less is more, later is better, relationships and skills before screens.”
Parents can encourage creativity by extending the screen into real world activities. When it’s time to turn off Minecraft or Zelda, what are things they can do in the real world that emulates their screen activities? Perhaps it’s building a Minecraft world with Lego, finding common household ingredients and playing scientist or a scavenger hunt outside.
Introducing your kids to activities, games and crafts you used to do as a child when there was nothing good to watch on TV can also be a source of inspiration.
“Sometimes you have to anchor things to what was nostalgic for you growing up and bring that into your kid’s childhood as well,” said Alibhai.
Screen-free family time doesn’t always have to be pre-planned either.
”Family time could be when you’re tucking your kids in at night. It’s anything that’s meaningful, where you’re coming together with one or more parent,” said Alibhai.
It’s about being present – even for five minutes during bedtime – where your child has your entire attention, and where you can ask what she calls “magical questions” that can lead to deeper conversations. Instead of asking, “How was your day?” (“Fine.”), ask them what made them smile or what was tough or frustrating or specific questions about what they did that can open up to bigger talks.
Pairing a family treat or fun activity right after the end of screen time can be a helpful way to minimize the tantrums that might come with the end of screen time. Alibhai also suggests setting a timer too, noting that we expect stories to wind down in books and movies and even bedtime routines, so screens are no different.
If they do end up upset, let them feel heard and understood. Build in time for a tantrum. Whether they are younger kids or teenagers, their emotions are underdeveloped and big feelings are okay. But if parents suspect they may be dealing with a serious addiction issue, professional support and intervention is advisable, experts caution.
“It’s your relationship to your child that matters when the conflict comes. Do you have a foundational relationship to navigate that conflict and address it in the moment?” said Cherkin.
“This is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. This is a lifelong relationship and it is not worth destroying that to make a point about Minecraft.”
