“The only way out is through” may look good on an Instagram tile or cross-stitch, and, it turns out, therapists may use it in their sessions as well.
“Typically, a client is at a fork in the road and is teetering between leaning into heavier work that they need to do and avoiding/suppressing it,” says Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., licensed psychologist. “A therapist will typically use this when a client is ready to do the work, and they need a nudge.”
Does it work, though? Your mileage may vary on it, and so does Dr. McGeehan’s. She shares when the phrase “The only way out is through” is effective, when it isn’t and alternatives to use.
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When ‘The Only Way Out Is Through’ Is *Actually* Helpful
Dr. McGeehan says the phrase might elicit eye-rolls from some, but “The only way out is through” has its place and truth in therapeutic settings.
“This phrase can be powerful when it’s used with context, tact and care,” she explains. “It can be grounding and validating for someone who is already doing powerful healing work, and it can be motivating for someone who is ready to do the work but on the precipice of choosing to avoid it.”
After all, Dr. McGeehan says that, at its core, the phrase means that the path to healing or freedom goes through the confrontation of whatever pain, fear or challenge you have. You can’t avoid it.
“Avoiding discomfort only prolongs suffering, while moving through it…may increase distress temporarily [but] will ultimately lead to transformation,” she explains.
Importantly, though, she emphasizes that it’s best when this phrase comes from a therapist rather than a pal or family member.
“This phrase really is a phrase that is best held for a specific healing container where each party has consented to a common goal of healing as being the basis for the relationship,” Dr. McGeehan says.
While it may not be helpful if you use this phrase on a friend, Dr. McGeehan suggests considering your therapist’s words if they use “The only way out is through.” She says therapists will often use it when:
- Someone is already safe and resourced enough to face their emotions
- They’re holding space for someone doing deep internal work
- Pairing it with attunement and support (not pressure)
- Reminding a client of inviting them to heal sans pressure
3 Reasons To Use ‘The Only Way Out Is Through’
1. Normalizes discomfort of growth
Dr. McGeehan says that the phrase is a verbal reminder that feelings—including painful ones—are part of the process and that they are, in fact, on the right path.
“Part of what surprises clients the most about healing is that things often get worse before they get better,” she explains. “When used with care, this phrase can normalize this process and remind clients there is a light on the other side.”
2. Encourages emotional presence
You don’t have to bury emotions. Instead, feel them to unpack them.
“Especially in trauma recovery or grief work, the phrase gently suggests that emotions are meant to be felt and metabolized, not bypassed,” Dr. McGeehan says. “This can be helpful when a person becomes avoidant and does not want to feel their emotions.”
3. Supports long-term healing
Healing isn’t an overnight or linear process. Dr. McGeehan says the phrase “the only way out is through” acknowledges this truth.
“This phrase can affirm that moving through pain is the path to actual freedom, therefore building long-term resilience,” she explains.
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When *Not* To Use the Phrase ‘The Only Way Out Is Through’
While helpful, the phrase “The only way out is through” can be misused and hurtful.
“Like many truths, it can become harmful when used as a blanket statement or imposed on someone who’s not ready,” Dr. McGeehan says.
For instance, she shares that telling a mother who tragically lost her child a week ago that, “the only way out is through” is harmful.
“It’s also important to note that healing is not linear, and as a friend, it really isn’t our job to tell our loved ones how to handle their healing,” she points out. “This is flirting with codependence. This type of feedback belongs, if it’s going to be used at all, with a professional.”
Generally, Dr. McGeehan advises against using this phrase when:
- Someone is in crisis or dysregulated
- You’re not in a therapeutic relationship
- The person is signaling “not now” and needs space or stabilization first
- Your discomfort with the other person’s emotions is what’s driving you to push them toward feeling their emotions
3 Reasons Not To Use ‘The Only Way Out Is Through’
1. Invalidates survival strategies
Dr. McGeehan says that avoidance, dissociation and numbing may serve a purpose: survival.
“Suggesting they should ‘go through it’ prematurely can feel retraumatizing or shaming,” she warns. “It’s also not up to anyone else, except that person and their nervous system, to decide when they are ready to face hard truths.”
2. Implies a one-size-fits-all healing model
Healing isn’t a cookie-cutter process.
“Some need internal stabilization first,” Dr. McGeehan explains. “Others need to focus on external safety before emotional processing.”
Again, she says letting therapists keep this phrase is best.
3. Can become spiritual bypassing in disguise
Dr. McGeehan says this issue is especially prevalent in performance and coaching spaces.
“It can be weaponized to push people into discomfort without proper tools or consent,” she stresses. “We cannot think our way into healthier mental health. However, if you push someone to address trauma before they are ready, this is exactly what can happen because that person will not be able to stay in their body, thereby bypassing their nervous system.”
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3 Phrases To Use Instead of ‘The Only Way Out Is Through’
1. “You can go at your own pace—there’s no rush.”
This phrase is a breath of fresh air. In fact, hearing it may make the other person take a deep and audible breath.
“This affirms autonomy and nervous system wisdom,” Dr. McGeehan says. “It supports healing that is self-led, not forced.”
2. “It’s OK to feel what you’re feeling—whatever it is.“
This phrase offers the gift of validation.
“This creates psychological safety and softens the shame around ‘not being over it,'” Dr. McGeehan says. “It invites presence without pressure.”
3. “You don’t have to do this alone.”
Healing can feel lonely. This phrase is a verbal way of extending a hand.
“Pain is more tolerable when it’s held in relationship and safety,” Dr. McGeehan shares. “This alternative emphasizes connection as part of the healing journey, which research shows is essential for trauma recovery.”
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Source:
- Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., licensed psychologist