These 9 'Selfish' Habits Actually Signal High Intelligence, Psychologist Says

Is there someone in your life who comes across as a bit selfish? For instance, maybe you know a person who draws strong boundaries, spends a lot of time alone or always takes forever to reply to your messages. These are just a few of the many habits that can make someone seem egocentric but in actuality, they may be indicators of high intelligence.

Think about popular TV characters like Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory, Tony Soprano from The Sopranos or Selina Meyer from Veep. All of these protagonists were out for themselves and wanted things done their way, making them unquestionably selfish (at least, most of the time). However, they were also all brilliant enough to ascend to the top of their respective professional fields.

And according to Dr. Sari Chait, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist working in private practice in Massachusetts, there are actually quite a few “selfish” habits that can signal high intelligence. She tells Parade why these nine often-misunderstood behaviors (from setting boundaries to changing one’s opinion to using sarcasm and more) can be tied to both strong IQ and EQ (emotional intelligence), and shares four common kind actions and considerations that are just as indicative of intellect and cleverness. Here’s what to know.

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9 ‘Selfish’ Habits That Signal High Intelligence, According to a Psychologist

As Dr. Chait tells Parade, the below nine habits “may be signs of high intelligence but don’t necessarily mean someone is in fact highly intelligent.” That said, every individual is different—she adds that “someone with high intelligence may not engage in any of these habits.”

Dr. Chait also notes that while the below habits can all potentially signal high intelligence (IQ), many of them can signal high emotional intelligence (EQ), too.

1. Saying no

“When people say no to doing things, helping with things, or attending social events, it is often perceived as selfish,” Dr. Chait says. However, setting that boundary may actually “indicate that the person is actually very aware of their own time constraints and is smartly protecting their time.”

She adds that “being able to judiciously decide what to attend to and what not to takes a great deal of thoughtfulness and planning.”

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2. Spending time alone

When a friend chooses to spend time alone rather than with you, it can feel hurtful—but according to Dr. Chait, “it may be because they have enough self-awareness to know they need alone time to rest and recharge.”

She adds: “Without that alone time, many people become socially burned out and then are not able to show up as their best selves with others, negatively affecting those relationships.”

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3. Relying on sarcasm or dark humor

Humor like witty sarcasm or dark jokes “requires a level of intellect to not only form the joke or comment but to be able to do so quickly in the moment.”

However, a mean remark is a mean remark, no matter how clever it may be. “While sarcasm can be perceived as mean or hurtful, someone with high intelligence or EQ will also be able to know when and how to use sarcasm so it adds humor without being hurtful,” Dr. Chait says.

Massachusetts-based therapist Sarah Kalny, LMHC agrees, explaining to Parade that proper use of sarcasm often “reflects an individual’s capacity to understand subtext.”

She notes that sarcasm is similar to problem solving, since “utilizing sarcasm tends to involve the balance of conflicting meanings, understanding what they are conveying or is being conveyed, and can be a bit of a cognitive workout.”

4. Delegating tasks to others

“The ability and willingness to delegate can be perceived as selfish but actually suggests someone with good awareness of both their own capacity and of others’ capacity,” Dr. Chait explains. This behavior often comes up in professional settings, when an employee delegates tasks to others.

And according to Dr. Chait, as long as someone is delegating intentionally, it can be a good thing for everyone, as it “results in freeing up their own time but can also lead to others feeling included and well-utilized,” she says.

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Photo by Ekaterina Goncharova on Getty Images

5. Having rigid routines

When someone rigidly sticks to a certain routine every day, such as a morning routine or bedtime routine, it can come off as extreme or even as an inconvenience to others. However, for routine-lovers, there’s often a reason for their inflexibility.

“They may be adhering to [their routine] so rigidly because they know it works for them, decreases the chances that they don’t get things done, and serves their needs in a way that allows them to show up in other spaces or with other people as their best self,” says Dr. Chait.

6. Disagreeing with the majority

In a heated conversation amongst a group, the easiest thing is often to agree with the majority and keep your head down—but in actuality, the person who speaks up and disagrees with the masses may be the smartest person in the room.

“While this can lead to people thinking you’re being difficult or are not getting something they think is obvious, it can instead be a sign of someone who wants to make an informed decision,” Dr. Chait says.

Related: 11 Phrases To Use Instead of Automatically Agreeing With Someone—When You Actually Disagree, According to Psychologists

7. Changing one’s opinion

It can be easy to form an opinion and convince yourself to stick with it forever. Broccoli tastes icky! Staying up late is cool! Jazz sucks!

But according to Dr. Chait, intelligent people are often more open to learning new information and using it to change their opinions.

“This sometimes can come across as selfish if others think you are making things more difficult by changing your mind,” she explains, “but the ability to take in new information and readily change your opinion is actually a sign of intelligence.”

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8. Not responding to messages right away

Whenever a friend “leaves me on read,” aka doesn’t respond to my text within a few hours, I tend to spiral a bit. But according to Dr. Chait, someone’s delay could actually mean they’re trying to be thoughtful in their response or stay productive in their work.

“They may set aside time in their day to respond to such messages so they are not regularly interrupting their day or flow to respond,” she says. “Taking a few minutes to respond to texts, emails or DMs can distract from other tasks and actually make it harder to complete tasks efficiently.”

Related: People Who Avoid Responding to Texts Right Away Often Share These 9 Traits, Psychologists Explain

9. Outsourcing services and chores

One final habit that can come across as self-centered is “spending money on services that other people may do themselves,” says Dr. Chait. This may include hiring a housekeeper, getting your car professionally washed, having your nails done or hiring a personal assistant.

“When people are financially able to spend money on these kinds of services, it frees up their time to focus on higher priority or higher value things,” she explains.

4 Kind and Considerate Habits That Can Signal High Intelligence, According to a Psychologist

It’s not only “selfish” habits that can suggest high intelligence. In fact, Dr. Chait notes that a number of traits associated with kindness and compassion can also indicate high intelligence and high EQ—such as the four listed below.

1. Including others

According to Dr. Chait, people with high intelligence tend to be aware of other people in group settings and purposefully try to loop those who might be feeling left out into the conversation.

“They may notice people on the outskirts of a group at a social setting or in a work environment and will smoothly incorporate them into the larger group interactions,” she says.

Related: 13 Surprising Habits That Make You ‘Instantly Likable,’ Psychologists Say

2. Code-switching

According to Dr. Chait, highly intelligent people may excel at “adapting [their] language appropriately for the audience,” otherwise known as code-switching.

“Knowing when to use technical language vs. when to use lay people language is an important skill,” she explains, “and using it with others allows them to better engage with you.”

3. Listening

As Dr. Chait discussed above, intelligent people often change their opinions after learning new information, which some may see as “selfish” or combative. However, Dr. Chair sees this as something with kind intentions, as it’s essentially a version of listening to others and respecting their opinions.

“Being able and willing to listen and learn from others can be a sign of intelligence,” she says.

Related: Want to Display Your Active Listening Skills? Try Using These 33 Powerful Phrases

4. Remembering details about others

How good does it feel when an acquaintance or friend you haven’t seen in a while remembers a small detail about you? According to Dr. Chait, this kind trait actually may indicate high intelligence or high EQ.

She explains: “Doing this demonstrates that someone has done a good job listening to others and holds onto personal details which allows them to deepen their relationship and better understand the other person.”

Final Takeaways

Sometimes, behavior that may seem selfish is actually an indicator of high intelligence.

Saying no and setting boundaries is a smart way of protecting oneself. If someone sets a boundary with you, it’s likely more about their preferences than a reflection of how they feel about you.
The black sheep is often the smartest one in the group. Whether someone comes off as an outlier because they enjoy ample alone time or because they tend to disagree with the majority, these traits may signal high intelligence.
Kindness and compassion can indicate intelligence just as much as “selfish” habits. Everyone contains multitudes.

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