Three ways to turn solitude into your superpower (even during the holidays)

Looking at the calendar and realizing I wouldn’t have my kids with me for Christmas created a daunting proposition: I would be alone for the holidays. Determined not to spend my time calling ex-girlfriends or crying (or both), I decided to pro-actively research solitude. Turns out, short-term loneliness or solitude isn’t necessarily a bad thing – in fact, it can have benefits, including an opportunity to reset and reframe your world view.

I spoke with experts who study solitude to learn how to maximize the power of alone time. Here are three things I learned.

1. Ditch the judgment: solitude is neither good nor bad, but it can bring joy

Thuy-vy T. Nguyen, a solitude researcher at Durham University in England and co-author of Solitude: The Science and Power of Being Alone, says it’s important to recognize the difference between alone time and chronic loneliness. Chronic loneliness can have serious physical and mental-health ramifications, while solitude – time spent with one’s self – can be restorative. “I think of solitude as a motivating agnostic state,” says Nguyen, principal investigator of the Solitude Lab, where she studies how being alone influences thoughts and emotions.

Yet, from an early age, we start to notice that this neutral state has negative connotations, especially around the holidays. “People tend to view solitude either as a negative, lonely, isolating experience or else like it’s going to bring life-changing wisdom,” says Nguyen, adding that for most people, the experience falls somewhere in the middle.

Nguyen says that, with intention, it’s possible to reframe our perception of solitude thanks to neuroplasticity – the brain’s ability to form new neural connections. Even a solo walk around the block or immersing yourself in a good book can boost your view of solitude. “Unless you practice enjoying time spent alone, you don’t get better at it,” says Nguyen.

Reminding yourself of solitude’s benefits – from feelings of calm to quiet time – can also help. “Solitude creates space where we have autonomy and freedom from social expectations, which can actually be nice,” Nguyen says.

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2. Plan to spend your time alone doing things you enjoy

Despite the positives solitude can offer, being alone over the holidays can make people unhappy, especially if it’s not their preference, says Carleton University psychology professor Robert Coplan. “It’s almost like we feel ashamed; we can’t dismiss that,” he says. Coplan, author of The Joy of Solitude: How to Reconnect with Yourself in an Overconnected World, says being alone can bring happiness “but it’s least likely to be joyful when it’s not by choice.”

Still, he says there are steps people can take to tilt the emotions felt in solitude toward joy. Planning ahead – for example, by stocking up on things you like, such as crossword puzzles, favourite movies or treats – and avoiding a victimhood mentality are critical strategies. “Flip the switch from ‘solitude as punishment’ to ‘solitude as reward,’” says Coplan.

He adds that one of solitude’s upsides is it can take the edge off intense emotions, and that limiting doomscrolling and unnecessary negative interactions can help make the most of this time.

Spending time alone is healthy, just don’t overdo it

It’s also okay to skip the to-do list: Playing Candy Crush rather than renovating the basement may be the way to practice self-kindness. Meanwhile, being around people, from the barista at your local café to the person on the treadmill next to you at the gym, can be a mood enhancer, Coplan says.

Maintaining a regular routine, reaching out to loved ones and remembering that positive time spent alone can enhance future social engagements is also helpful. “Even when extroverts are around other people, it can grate the system,” Coplan says. “Solitude lets you step off stage and out of the spotlight – so appreciate the opportunity to let your batteries recharge.”

3. Use time alone to lend a helping hand

Solitude, especially during time off work or periods with fewer responsibilities, provides an opportunity to do something for others, says one researcher who studies how solitude can provide a framework for a more connected society. “Any action we take voluntarily for the benefit of others helps us shift the focus from inward to outward and reduces feelings of loneliness,” says Yeeun Archer Lee, an assistant professor of psychology at Trinity Western University, a Christian school with campuses in British Columbia and Ottawa.

Volunteering for a charity, donating clothes or baking cookies for a neighbour are examples of pro-social behaviours that can make us feel good while spending time alone, she adds.

According to Archer Lee, if we initiate acts of kindness when we feel lonely, it can also have a positive impact on how we see the world. In a recent study, she found that after people spent two weeks doing things for others, they were more likely to see a stranger’s neutral face as warm and approachable than scary and hostile.

“When we care for others, we project warmth onto strangers, but when we’re upset, [upset is] what we see in other people,” explains Archer Lee. “Kindness leads to good interactions, and periods of solitude, especially during the holidays, provide a perfect time for expressing a caring heart.”