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Illustration by Alex Siklos
“Why are people so unfriendly?”
I would often ask this question at the end of my daily neighbourhood walks, which I started during the pandemic and have continued into retirement.
Perhaps it was because of the early hour and people still “clearing the fog.” Maybe they were having a particularly bad day – who knew what challenges they faced in their personal lives.
No, it was probably due to the advent of cellphones and social media – I was always blaming them for the world’s ills.
Regardless, didn’t people realize that talking to strangers actually leads to a happier and more fulfilling life? (I heard this on a TV show that I had been watching. The jury was still out on whether these people actually lived “shorter” lives!)
But then my partner, obviously getting tired of my tedious common refrain, pointedly remarked: “Maybe it’s you.” Impossible, I responded. Just that morning, I had looked straight into the eyes of a passerby and he didn’t blink; not even the simplest “hello.” So rude!
However, it suddenly dawned on me. I was always being told to “manage” my introvert tendencies. Perhaps I had the perfect opportunity to put this into action.
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So, I decided to conduct a simple experiment. Once each walk, I would choose someone who had at least one dog on leash and looked friendly (the person and the dog, that is). I would utter a simple, “hello.” It actually seemed to work. I almost always got a positive response, in some cases even a brief conversation. Once, I was handed a piece of kibble to treat the dog!
Then I started to expand my repertoire of potential respondents. If there was any sort of eye contact, I would say “hi!” This, too, seemed to work. I then took the process a step further and pro-actively engaged with a passerby (just a simple “good day”) even in the absence of initial eye contact. This often resulted in a positive response as well – perhaps three out of four times, anyway.
My confidence was building. I decided to say “hello” to somewhat friendly-looking individuals speaking on their cellphones. (Not sure how I determined “somewhat friendly-looking,” except that they needed to have something other than a scowl on their face.) After all, I blamed cellphones, at least in part, for all this unfriendliness. Maybe I had a role to play in drawing people back to face-to-face interactions. I was ignored on my first try. Undaunted, my second attempt elicited a somewhat surprised response accompanied by a bit of a grunt. But on my third try, the person paused his conversation and said “hi.”
The three cellphone incidents occurred over a two-week period, interspersed with my usual targets and even some who pro-actively engaged with me. A trend was emerging. People actually seemed to be getting friendlier.
Was it something in the air or water? Was it the after-effects of the pandemic? No, it was me! I was the one whose behaviour had changed.
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I have to be clear. There are situations when I do not engage with passersby. You do have to use a certain degree of common sense and discretion in today’s sometimes harsh world. And there are still some days when I am less pro-active than others – something to do with my mood, I think. But generally speaking, I now say hello to passersby regardless of whether they avert their gaze or are on their cellphones. (I still prefer those who have dogs.)
I don’t always get a positive response. But what the heck. I have yet to receive a really negative reaction. And I always finish my walk feeling much better than when I started – in spite of the periodic rejections.
And the experiment didn’t end with my daily walks. I now find that, wherever I am, I tend to engage more with “strangers.” Whether it be in the lineup at the grocery store, with folks at the next restaurant table or even at the gym.
I’m not looking to make lifelong friends. Just trying to feel better about myself and hopefully, in the process, this positive feeling will spread to others.
It’s actually quite simple. Do unto others as you wish them to do unto you. And if it doesn’t always work out, just move on to the next unsuspecting stranger! But you have to make the first move. You have to show some friendliness.
Murray Bender lives in Toronto.
