As a kid, your sibling is often your built-in best friend. A brother or sister is someone with whom you likely shared a home (or even a bedroom!), went to the same school and maybe even participated in some of the same activities—even if you were a theater kid while your sibling was more into sports.
But as we get older, things change. People move out of their family homes and thousands of miles from their siblings. They get involved in their communities, get married, have children, take on time-consuming jobs and essentially start new lives and form new values.
Essentially, as the years go by, it can be harder to keep up with our siblings. And whether or not a pair or group of siblings drifts apart because of a disagreement or just because life gets in the way, a major change to a sibling relationship can be heartbreaking for everyone in the family.
But what is the most typical cause of siblings drifting apart in adulthood? To find out, Parade consulted four psychologists: Dr. Peter Vernig, a clinical psychologist and the Vice President of Mental Health Services at Recovery Centers of America, Dr. Amanda Sellers, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist in private practice in Pennsylvania, Dr. Kim Chronister, a licensed clinical psychologist in California, and Dr. Maggie Hogan, a licensed clinical psychologist offering teletherapy to patients in Massachusetts, New York, New Hampshire and Colorado.
Interestingly, all four psychologists agree on one of the most common factors that causes adult siblings to drift apart—and it’s not what you might expect. Keep reading for their insights.
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This Is What Usually Causes Adult Siblings To Drift Apart, According to 4 Psychologists
According to Dr. Vernig, Dr. Sellers, Dr. Chronister and Dr. Hogan, one of the main factors that causes siblings to drift apart as adults is passive drift.
What is passive drift, exactly?
Passive drift is when two people slowly drift apart “as life unfolds,” Dr. Vernig explains to Parade. It’s not intentional or the result of an argument—it just happens.
“New priorities, such as school, work and recreation, begin to take priority and often do not align with those of our siblings,” he explains. “We may still have common ground emotionally, but our day-to-day lives have less and less room.”
According to Dr. Sellers, passive drift usually happens over time, as a result of our lives evolving.
“Life gets busy. Siblings grow up, go away to college, get jobs, move across the country, marry into new families and start their own families,” she tells Parade. “Once adults are working and have their own families, things get exponentially busier and more exhausting. Siblings simply don’t have the energy or time to connect.”
Living far away from siblings can lead to passive drift
“When we are younger, it is often much easier to foster our relationships with our siblings because our lives are more interwoven,” Dr. Hogann explains. “We grow accustomed to this passive effort in sibling relationships, so when life changes and our lives become less interwoven, shifting to an active effort to foster these relationships requires adjustment. If we aren’t intentional about nurturing these relationships and putting in active effort, siblings can passively drift apart.”
Dr. Chronister agrees, explaining that, “Geographic distance and busy schedules can decrease opportunities for meaningful connection. Since sibling relationships require intentional effort to maintain, less frequent contact can gradually lead to emotional distance.”
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How To Repair a Sibling Relationship After Passive Drift
Passive drift between siblings is often a result of living life on autopilot. And according to Dr. Sellers, “The antidote to autopilot is intentionality.”
“Like any relationship, it will take work, time and energy to thrive,” she explains. “It also helps to be transparent with your sibling and name the dynamic.”
She recommends reaching out to your sibling and saying something like, “Hey, we’ve drifted apart, I don’t like it, and I want to put in the work to be closer to you.”
After that, try to contact your sibling more frequently and more intentionally. “Over time and with regular, meaningful connection, the bond can strengthen,” per Dr. Sellers.
Similarly, Dr. Chronister recommends starting your reconciliation with self-reflection followed by sending a simple message.
“Start by reflecting on what contributed to the distance and be willing to acknowledge your own role if appropriate,” she says. “Reach out with a sincere, low-pressure message that focuses on reconnecting. Listen openly and allow trust to rebuild gradually through consistent, respectful communication.”
Your new relationship with your sibling may look different
“Don’t try to return to the same relationship you had,” advises Dr. Vernig. “Time machines only exist in the movies, and you are both different people than you were when you played together as children.”
Instead, he advises reaching out to your sibling the way “with the same curiosity that you would a new friend.” Ask them questions about their current interests and values, and get to know the new them.
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These 3 Other Factors Can Also Cause Strain in Sibling Relationships
Passive drift isn’t the only reason brothers and sisters may drift apart. Here, the experts share three other common causes of strain between siblings.
1. Dysfunctional childhoods
“A major factor that causes siblings to drift apart in adulthood is having parents who instigated competition and rivalry between their kids in childhood,” says Dr. Sellers, adding that parents constantly comparing you to your sibling can lead to “animosity, inferiority and jealousy” that extends into adulthood.
“It’s hard to feel close to someone you feel you’re in competition with,” she continues. “In adulthood, you can stop accepting the childhood narrative. You and your sibling aren’t the problem; you were just parts of a dysfunctional family system. You don’t have to be competitors; you can be allies.”
Getting to know your sibling as a new person now that you’re both grown can help you both move on from this mindset.
“Shifting your thoughts and overall belief system about your sibling and your relationship with them can be incredibly healing,” she says.
2. Diverging values
As kids, we often share similar values to our siblings and parents. But as we get older, we develop our own values—and this can cause a rift between siblings, according to Dr. Vernig.
“If there are specific topics which are a barrier to reconciliation, such as strong opposing political beliefs, put this on the table,” he advises. “Have a conversation (when you are both calm and ready for the discussion) and agree to leave this topic out of your relationship. You can respect and care for someone even if you don’t believe the same thing.”
However, this is easier said than done, and may require vigilance.
“Assuming that you can reintroduce this as the subject of conversation just because you’ve enjoyed several months of harmony can undo what you’ve accomplished,” Dr. Vernig warns. “Respect this boundary, and if you think you would like to discuss an ‘off limits’ topic with your sibling, have another conversation about both of your thoughts and feelings about doing so.”
And if you and your sibling are struggling to make amends, Dr. Chronister recommends going to family therapy together, as this “can provide a safe environment to improve communication.”
3. Family unit shift
Growing up, your immediate family typically includes your siblings and parents. But in many cases, getting married and having kids shifts one’s mindset to their partner and children being their immediate family.
“This turning towards a new family is often accompanied by a turning away from our family of origin,” explains Dr. Vernig. “This does not mean abandonment but rather that our needs are being met and our energy focused on the family we build. This can be magnified if a spouse or partner does not fit in or get along with parents or siblings.”
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How To Cope With Stress Over a Strained Sibling Relationship
“Feeling sadness or disappointment over a distant sibling relationship is normal,” says Dr. Chronister.
To deal with these feelings, she recommends trying healthy coping strategies, such as talking with a therapist or supportive friends, journaling and practicing mindfulness.
“Concentrate on what you can control, including your own efforts to reconnect or your response if reconciliation is not possible,” she adds. “Maintaining other meaningful relationships and practicing self-compassion can also help reduce emotional distress.”
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Final Thoughts
Siblings can drift apart as adults for a number of reasons, but the relationship can be repaired with effort.
- Passive drift is a major cause of adult siblings losing touch. As lives change, so do priorities and relationships.
- Dysfunctional childhoods and diverging values also cause siblings to drift apart. Overcoming conflict can make repairing the relationship challenging, but with respect, it’s possible.
- Intentionality is key to repairing a strained sibling relationship. Put in the work to get to know your sibling for who they are today, and you can eventually become close again.
Up Next:
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Sources:
- Dr. Peter Vernig is a clinical psychologist and the Vice President of Mental Health Services at Recovery Centers of America.
- Dr. Amanda Sellers, Psy.D., is a licensed psychologist.
- Dr. Kim Chronister is a licensed clinical psychologist.
- Dr. Maggie Hogan is a licensed clinical psychologist.
