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Ask a Child Psychologist is a series of columns offering insights and advice on navigating youth emotional and mental well-being. It is not a substitute for professional psychological or medical advice.
As back-to-school season approaches, families are preparing for more than new shoes and school supplies. The return to classrooms, routines and peer interactions can stir up a wide range of emotions in children of all ages – excitement, anxiety, frustration or even dread.
If you’re a parent who spends time online, you’ve likely come across the term emotional regulation. It’s become something of a parenting buzzword, but what does it really mean? And how can we support it in our kids, especially during transitions such as the return to school?
Put simply, emotional regulation is the ability to manage feelings in healthy, constructive ways. It’s not about ignoring emotions, but instead recognizing and moving through them without becoming overwhelmed. Similar to tying shoelaces or riding a bike, it’s a skill that develops over time with modeling, support and lots of practice.
School transitions can put this skill to the test. In my clinical work, I’ve seen how this pressure shows up differently at each stage. A kindergartener might melt down at drop-off. A third grader could feel discouraged by more homework or a conflict with friends. By the tween years, children may internalize distress; becoming withdrawn, critical of themselves or reactive over small setbacks. In teens, emotional dysregulation can look like moodiness, avoidance, risky behaviour or self-harm.
These ups and downs are a normal part of growing up. But when emotions consistently interfere with day-to-day functioning – getting out the door on time, managing schoolwork or maintaining friendships – it may signal that your child needs some extra support.
As caregivers, we play a vital role in helping children learn to regulate their emotions. With patience and empathy, we can support their emotional growth, not just to get through school stress, but to thrive.
Here are six ways to support emotional regulation at home:
1. Model what you want to teach
Children learn how to manage emotions by watching us. If we want our kids to stay calm under stress, we need to show them how – not just tell them.
Try:
- Taking a deep breath when you’re frustrated
- Saying, “I need a moment to calm down”
- Apologizing when you lose your temper
- Speaking kindly to yourself when things don’t go as planned
Children don’t need perfection; they need to see real people regulating in real time.
2. Remember: They’re having a hard time, not giving us a hard time
When a child is overwhelmed, it’s easy to see their behaviour as defiant. But often, they’re struggling with something they don’t yet know how to express or manage.
Reframing the behaviour can help us respond with compassion instead of frustration. Our role isn’t to control the behaviour, but to understand what’s driving it.
3. Share your calm
Children’s nervous systems are still developing. Yelling or reasoning during a meltdown usually escalates things. Instead, offer a calm, steady presence.
Lower your voice. Get on their level. Sit beside them. Your emotional tone matters: When you stay grounded, you help them find their way back to calm.
4. Validate feelings first
We often want to fix the problem quickly, but emotional regulation starts with feeling seen. Let your child know their emotions make sense:
“You’re really upset your tower fell. That was frustrating.”
Once the emotion is acknowledged, you can soothe through cuddles, quiet time or a calming strategy like box breathing (inhale for four seconds, then hold for four, exhale for four, and hold for four again). Problem-solving can come later.
5. Try this gentle script
Instead of asking, “What’s wrong?” because it can feel overwhelming, say: “I can see something is wrong – how can I help you?”
This framing signals that their feelings aren’t too big to handle, and that you’re there with them. Over time, this builds trust, emotional literacy and resilience.
6. Set the stage for success
Even emotionally skilled children will struggle if their basic needs aren’t met. A tired, hungry or overstimulated child won’t be able to regulate – no matter how much they’ve practiced.
Try to:
- Keep sleep and meal routines consistent
- Offer protein-rich snacks and water
- Build quiet time into the day
- Limit overstimulation
- Keep transitions predictable
I still remember something my sister once said when I had a toddler: “Be careful how many times you put them in and out of a car seat. Two errands might be fine, but after that, they’re probably done.” It changed how I planned my days.
Being mindful of your child’s energy and sensory load can help prevent many meltdowns before they start.
Supporting emotional regulation doesn’t mean we need all the answers. It means offering love and stability as our children learn to navigate life. The more we respond to big emotions with calm, curiosity and care, the more capable our children become.
As the school year begins, let’s show them that overwhelming feelings are okay – and that they never have to face them alone.
Dr. Jillian Roberts is a research professor of educational psychology at the University of Victoria. She is also a practicing registered psychologist in British Columbia, Alberta and the Northwest Territories. She specializes in child and adolescent development, family therapy and inclusive education.
