11 reasons why I won’t return to Canada after moving to the US 10 years ago, Life in canada

Flying is cheaper

There are more airlines. Are they worse airlines? Without a doubt.

Flying Spirit may be like playing russian roulette, but you can get to Vegas for $30.

Will you be offered water? No. They’re all out.

Will you be able to bring a carry-on? Yes. For, like, $400. And it will get checked at the gate. But that’s America for you!

All you need to get by is a backpack and a dream. Risk it all. Put your life savings on red. You will lose. But if you have $30 left? It’s OK. That’s all you need to get wherever you’re going on Spirit Airlines.

Bigger population and better vibes

The entire population of Canada is almost the same as the population of the state of California! One state.

Now, don’t get me wrong. California is packed. LA traffic is as bad as they say it is.

San Francisco will charge you $35 for a to-go sandwich and then flip an iPad to you; the tip options are 30%, 35%, or 40%.

Big isn’t always better. But for me? More people just means more life. More energy. More diversity. More options. More people to date.

In Canada, even major cities can still feel like villages. It’s easy to feel like you know everyone, and everyone knows you. For some, that’s comforting. For others (me), it’s purgatory.

Sun — they have it!

Okay, not everywhere, but definitely in some places, and definitely for more than three to four months out of the year.

It’s important to remember – not all heat is created equal. Yes, come August, I know Montreal can get sunny (brutally humid). Still, somehow the Canadian UV rays just don’t… UV ray like I need them to.

It’s not giving “tanning bed”. It’s giving “blasting Cactus Club patio heater”.

Roadtrips — you can take them without risking your life

Canada is mostly land. Ninety percent of it is uninhabited. Ten provinces separated by stretches of nothing.

And the weather? Black ice or whiteouts — choose your fighter.

It’s scenic, sure. Until hour six, when you’re realizing it actually is time to break up with your college boyfriend on account of the fact that you actually hate him, his mother, and (truth be told) the family dog could also use a little Prozac.

Meanwhile, the U.S. has 50 states and a Waffle House at every exit. Do you know how sick Waffle House is? No, you don’t. Because we’re Canadian, and we don’t have Waffle House.

In Canada we have Tim Hortons and cow country. As much as I love a Timbit, the 40 hours of prairie between B.C. and Ontario is not exactly stimulating me at 3 a.m., while I’m blasting Metallic just to make sure I don’t do a swerve that ends it all.

Also, Canada is gorgeous… but it’s the same three postcards on loop. I drove across the U.S. this year, and it was just something else. Deserts. Wetlands. Swamps. Alpine wilderness. Coral reefs. Miami. They have it all.

AND a damn Waffle House in every one.

Trader Joe’s

When I was first introduced to Trader Joe’s, I had it all wrong. I thought it was widely expensive.

And the lore? Back in 2012, Vancouver had a pop-up called Pirate Joe’s. Pirate Joe’s was exactly what it sounded like: Goods from Trader Joe’s were brought across the border and resold like contraband. There was legal acton taken. There’s a whole Wikipedia page about it.

Fast forward 10 years. After a year of living in L.A,, I hit a real Trader Joe’s and turns out— it’s the best deal in town. You can get a dozen roses for $5.99?! A bag of peanut butter popcorn for $3.99? I’ll take three and regret it later. Let’s get caloric.

Crave TV is not HBO

If you travel to the U.S., your Crave just doesn’t work? There is no VPN that can save you. I tried them all. I lost hundreds on subscriptions I forgot to cancel.

And no Hulu either? What the hell.

I haven’t illegally downloaded anything since the days of LimeWire. What’s next? Waiting on MSN for my 35-year-old emotionally unavailable situationship to log on and pray he sends me a “nudge”?

I’ll do anything for The Bear, but I won’t do that.

Venmo vs. E-Transfer

I read the other day that some Spanish Scientists found the cure to pancreatic cancer. You know what the first thing I thought was? We can do that, but we can’t get Venmo on the Canadian App Store?

I need Apple to figure it out.

If you’re gonna get us addicted to our phones and make us into social-media-brain-melted post-apocalyptic zombies — as someone who failed Social Studies 10, I am down to clown — but do whatever you’re going to do, do it right. Take it all the way. Give us Venmo.

Stop gatekeeping your U.S. app store. I don’t wanna open up a credit card with a bank in Point Roberts or Detroit to get access to American iTunes.

People are nicer… yes I said it!

No one is gonna like this, because I know our whole thing is we’re “nice.” But…we’re not.

We’re polite. There’s a difference.

Polite is telling the guy at the bar who won’t leave you alone that you have a boyfriend (you don’t).

Nice is telling the guy you’re single, his game blows, and to f**k right off (constructive criticism).

Canadians aren’t nice. We’re conflict-avoidant. We secretly judge your job, your boyfriend, and your mom’s kitchen reno. To your face, we say, “I love your skirt. Where did you get it?” And behind your back, we say: “That is the ugliest effing skirt I’ve ever seen.”

Americans? For all their breashness, they keep it real. It doesn’t matter what city you’re in — what you see is what you get.

Even in L.A. (and I can say this because I live here), with all the networking and social-climbing B.S., people here are transparent as hell about it. We all know we’re pitching. We all know we’re never “circling back.” We all know we are never gonna go for that coffee once we both find out neither of us has an “in” at HBO.

And somehow…that’s refreshing.

Why? Because:

a) I don’t want to go for drinks with a total rando, unless they are attractive and I think there’s a chance we’ll kiss. And even then — eh.

b) The “fake nice” game is a secret we’re all in on. Which means it cancels out.

It’s transparent. It’s theatrical. And it’s better than commenting “😍 😍 ” on someone’s engagement post… and then screenshotting it to your group chat, saying, “That is the ugliest effing ring I have ever seen.”

(Guilty)

Where’s our cold brew at?

I’m addicted to cold brew.

On my last trip home to Vancouver, after walking 40 city blocks and stopping in every coffee shop, I was PISSED when I discovered we don’t really do COLD BREW.

Can someone tell me why? Is this a weather thing?

Just because it’s cold outside doesn’t mean we don’t want cold brew. Hook me up to a cold brew IV at 7 a.m. in -7 degree weather.

I also need the baristas of BC to know: iced coffee is not cold brew. Just like Diet Pepsi is not like Diet Coke.

Canada has one basketball team

And we never win.

Edit: Ok, we won once. And we’re actually doing pretty good this year. And then there’s Shai Gilgeous Alexander. He’s not on the Raptors, but he’s Canadian, and also ranked No. 2 in the league.

The superior tacos

Fam, this one is so real.

I didn’t even think I liked Mexican food until I came to the U.S. I thought the Old El Paso hard shell was as good as it got.

Dead wrong. In fact, it could only go up from there because the Old El Paso hard shell is actively the worst.

Street meat. Supple blue corn tortilla. Load up that green salsa. Shoot me in the eye with lime juice. Blind me. Because for the first time, I can see.

There is no taco truck I haven’t hit. I’m the Anthony Bourdain of taco trucks.

To put it in Canadian terms: Tacos are to L.A. what sushi is to Vancouver