Having confidence and coming across as confident can be useful in many scenarios. For example, maybe you’re interviewing for a job you really want and know you need to “talk yourself up.” Maybe you’re working to build better self-esteem or overcome self-doubt, and speaking positively about yourself helps you get there. Maybe you feel like you need to “prove yourself” at work among more experienced colleagues, or want to appear self-assured on a first date. Or perhaps it’s not about you: You’re speaking highly of your child to boost your child’s confidence.
Confident people typically do certain things in conversations—and some might surprise you—such as asking open-ended questions, smiling, shortening their sentences and speaking authentically. Creating habits like those is a helpful start on your journey. It can also make you more likeable and help you have more faith in yourself.
However, and unfortunately, there can be a thin line between self-assuredness and appearing conceited. Several common phrases may sound good to you, but can actually come across as obnoxious to others (and have the opposite effect than the one you want). Ahead, a psychologist shares nine common “confident” phrases that actually sound arrogant and ways to be bold and composed without being rude.
Related: 12 Phrases That Make You Instantly More Assertive—Without Sounding Rude, Psychologists Say
What’s the Difference Between Confidence and Arrogance?
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To be mindful of this difference, remember the two Bs: “boasting” and “better than.”
“Confidence is a solid sense of self that does not boast about self to try and make others look ‘less than,’” says Dr. Brandy Smith, PhD, a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks in Birmingham, AL. “Arrogance carries a sense of ‘better than’ with it and often has a slimy feel connected to it.”
She shares some of the psychology behind the two and how they differ.
“Someone who is confident is secure within [themselves] and does not feel inclined to need to talk often about ‘how great’ they are, whereas someone who is arrogant is actually insecure while making comments in an attempt to ‘show’ others ‘how great’ they are,” she explains.
Related: People With ‘Quiet Confidence’ Often Use These 17 Phrases, According to Psychologists
9 Common Phrases People Think Sound Confident, but Actually Sound Arrogant, According to a Psychologist
Certain phrases (that you’ve probably heard before) come across as arrogant, even when they’re meant as confident. Dr. Smith shares and explains nine examples.
1. “I know best what to do”
You may very well have lots of knowledge and experience in a certain area, but how you communicate that matters. The word “best” is the problem here, Dr. Smith says, and it would be worse if paired with “always,” like “I always know what’s best to do.”
“I am not saying to never use this phrase, but be mindful of when you use it and how it can come across,” she continues. “A better alternative would be, ‘I have a good idea for us to try.’” Feel the difference?
2. “If they had just asked me/come to me, they wouldn’t have had any problems”
This phrase presents you as a “savior” or all-knowing.
“This implies that you are the one who needs to be involved for things to run smoothly,” Dr. Smith says. “It has a ‘know-it-all’ feel that is problematic.”
3. “I don’t make mistakes”
This one just isn’t true, and it comes across as “better than.”
“Someone who cannot see or acknowledge to self or others that they sometimes make mistakes is lying to self and/or others,” Dr. Smith says.
Related: People Who Were ‘Perfectionists’ in Childhood Often Develop These 7 Traits as Adults, a Psychologist Says
4. “I always know what to do”
Again, this phrase uses “always,” presents the speaker as perfect and shows them “not acknowledging their humanness,” according to Dr. Smith.
“It may be true that you have always figured out how to handle things, but saying it as the example suggests carries an air of arrogance that is unneeded,” she explains.
5. “Nobody can say no to me”
Rather than persuasive, this comes across as braggy.
“There are other, better ways to communicate that quality if a person wants to highlight it,” Dr. Smith adds.
6. “Everybody wants me”
Dr. Smith clarifies that saying this with a certain tone can pass as playful, but you’re still walking a thin line.
“Without that tone, it sounds conceited, and ultimately it connects to insecurity the person is overcompensating for,” she says.
Related: 11 Subtle Signs of Narcissism That Are Easy to Miss, According to Psychologists
7. “You don’t know that?!”
Most, if not all, of us have had that moment when we’re shocked someone hasn’t heard a certain fact or phrase. However, responding this way can come across as arrogant and condescending.
“A person may genuinely be surprised that someone does not know something, but anyone would be hard-pressed to say this phrase in a way that does not come across as problematic,” Dr. Smith says.
8. “I get what I want”
This phrase is similar to and different from the earlier one, “No one can say no to me.”
“In this phrase, it more directly taps into the perceived power the person wants to be viewed as having to make things happen the way they want,” Dr. Smith explains.
9. “Girls don’t like me because their boyfriends all want me”
Again, this isn’t necessarily unfounded 100 percent of the time, Dr. Smith says, but it’s “just not something to say if you do not want to come across as arrogant.” I mean, think about it—how would you feel if someone said that about you?
Related: Psychologists Say These 9 Habits Make You Seem Insecure Without Realizing It
4 Ways to Still Be Confident but Not Rude
The difference between confidence and arrogance can be confusing; people may see it differently.
“For some people, acknowledging any strength or accomplishment can come across as arrogant or rude because they are not used to what acknowledging one’s strengths are can look like in a healthy way,” Dr. Smith notes.
With that said, it’s possible to be confident and speak on that without coming across as rude or “better than.”
“Acknowledging a strength, positive or accomplishment, is not problematic,” she continues. “It is more about how it is done and for what purpose.”
Below, she shares some phrases to swap for the earlier ones.
1. “I have what I think is a helpful idea. Is this the time to share it?”
A phrase like this acknowledges your expertise humbly. It also provides others a space to say if that’s not what they need right now. You know, those moments when you want solidarity rather than advice.
“Sometimes, this question may not be pertinent to include, but other times it will be an important one to include because the listener(s) may not be in a space of wanting ideas or solutions,” Dr. Smith says.
2. “This sounds like a tough situation—I have some experience that I think could be beneficial here if you want me to share it”
Speaking of solidarity versus advice, this phrase offers both. Use it instead of “I always know what to do” or something similar.
“This combination acknowledges the difficulty of a situation, and we know that acknowledgement and validation can go a long way,” Dr. Smith shares. “The second sentence notes there is experience the person thinks is relevant that they can share and are willing to do so when the other(s) is/are ready.”
3. “I have not encountered that problem before, but I hear what you’re saying, so let’s look at it together”
Teamwork makes the dream work, right? This phrase also acknowledges that no one is perfect or has the answer to every situation, especially right away.
“It does not belittle someone for having a problem and carries an implication that by taking a look together, future progress is possible,” Dr. Smith says.
4. Generally, not going “on and on” about the accomplishment
Sharing, say, an award or promotion you received, but not talking about it endlessly or omitting a simple “thank you,” is another safe bet.
“Acknowledging a success or accomplishment is appropriate and healthy, so it falls solidly into the category of confidence,” Dr. Smith shares. “Speaking ad nauseam about it and bringing it up in every conversation, even when there is no natural segue to it, is arrogant.”
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Source:
- Dr. Brandy Smith, PhD, is a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks in Birmingham, AL.
