How connected are you to your partner? Put the ‘bird theory’ to the test | Canada Voices

It’s a regular weekday evening. A woman stands in the kitchen doing dishes and looking out the window. She notices a hummingbird in the backyard and calls out to her husband. He sits in the living room staring at his phone and says nothing in return.

She feels ignored, a little rejected, but she keeps it to herself and returns to her task.

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It’s a scenario that may seem common, relatively harmless, but experts say it’s a direct reflection of this couple’s likelihood to make it in the long term.

She’s making a bid for connection; he’s turning away from it. Known as the “Bird Theory,” this very situation became a viral TikTok trend in 2025, when users began testing their partners’ responsiveness by recounting a fake bird encounter and seeing how their partners responded.

The concept of a “bid for connection” − which describes any attempt to connect with a partner, big or small, verbal or non-verbal − isn’t new, but it’s a particularly hot topic amid a rise in therapy culture and a heightened interest in how to form successful relationships.

The term was coined by renowned relationship scientist John Gottman, who refers to bids as “the fundamental unit of emotional communication.” Research from the Gottman Institute suggests that when someone makes a bid such as a comment, glance or touch, the other person can either turn toward it (acknowledge it with interest), turn away from it (ignore it) or turn against it (meet it with hostility or irritation).

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“It’s those failures at connection that really are the source of all the arguments we observe” in couples, Gottman said. “Not being there for one another and saying, ‘I’m really not interested in anything you have to say,’ that’s the communication that comes from turning away or turning against a bid. It’s a very powerful rejection.”

Landmark research

Gottman and fellow researcher Robert Levinson began studying couples in their “Love Lab” at the University of Washington in 1986. Throughout seven longitudinal studies during the 1990s − the findings published in Gottman’s book Fight Right, as well as the peer-reviewed Science of Couples and Family Therapy Journal − researchers observed 130 newlywed couples for 24 hours just months after they were married. The couples went about their normal lives in a lab set up like a regular apartment, and the researchers observed them as they navigated conflict, connection and everything in between.

What they found was undeniable: Six years after they were first observed, the couples who had divorced had turned toward their partners’ bids for connection an average of just 33 per cent of the time during the initial study, while the couples who were still married had done so 86 per cent of the time. It was this notable finding that led to the very creation of the concept.

In 1996, Gottman and his wife, fellow psychologist and relationship expert Julie Schwartz Gottman, co-founded the Gottman Institute to share the findings with the world. Since then, further research has explored the importance of bids.

In 2011, one study found that the quality of our relationships relies on how responsive we perceive our partner to be to our bids, while a more recent study, from 2024, indicated that most people, regardless of gender, desire to turn toward a romantic partner’s bid for connection.

The research clearly shows that these small moments, no matter how mundane they may seem in isolation, are what differentiate couples who make it from those who don’t. When partners turn toward bids, closeness and connection are reinforced and nurtured. When bids go repeatedly ignored or rejected, it leads to resentment and disconnection.

“If we feel alone, especially in a relationship where the most connection is expected, it’s painful,” said Schwartz Gottman. “In my clinical work, I’ve never heard more loneliness than in a couple where there’s great distance between them.”

Why bids go unmet

There are many reasons why bids go unacknowledged, many of which aren’t intentional or malicious. Arela Agako, a couples therapist based in Toronto and an adjunct professor at Hamilton’s McMaster University, said she often sees couples from different backgrounds missing each other’s bids for connection because of cultural differences.

“In more collectivist cultures, some of these bids can be less obvious, like acts of service or subtle gestures,” Agako said. “In Western, more individualistic societies, these bids tend to be a bit more direct.”

The conflict arises when one person doesn’t recognize the other’s bid or doesn’t know how to respond in a culturally appropriate way, creating hurt feelings.

Agako said mental health challenges such as PTSD or depression can also affect a person’s ability to recognize and respond to a partner’s bids.

And while some people may meet their partner’s bid with outright hostility or irritation, bids are often simply missed because the other person is distracted or not paying attention.

In her work, Agako said many people recount stories of trying to connect with their partners while the other person is watching TV, playing video games or scrolling on their phone and can’t seem to disengage.

Communication and repair

If we want to be successful in our relationships, the Gottmans say, it’s up to us to make the effort to be more aware and present. But if that’s not possible, clearly communicate to your partner that you’re busy and you’ll give them your full attention when you can.

“This says, ‘I see you, I value you. I also have to get this work done, but I really want to be there for you even if I can’t at this very instant,’” Schwartz Gottman said.

When it comes to making and responding to bids, neither partner should assume that the other can read their mind, said Andrew Sofin, president of the Canadian Association for Couple and Family Therapy and a Montreal-based psychotherapist. Clearly communicating what you’re looking for when you’re making a bid, or when you feel you can’t turn toward one, could save you from conflict and hurt in the long run, he said.

The Gottmans said what matters just as much as, if not more than, how couples make and respond to bids is how they repair the relationship after a bid has gone wrong.

What does a repair look like? Being vulnerable and speaking up when you feel hurt rather than retreating or blaming your partner. For the other person, it means listening, not getting defensive and taking responsibility.

“Relationships take courage,” Schwartz Gottman said. “When you’re being vulnerable, you are putting yourself at risk for greater rejection. But if you hold up a shield, you’re blocking out the possibility of being loved.”