If you’re here, you probably aren’t a fan of small talk (or know someone who isn’t). To be honest, I can’t blame you, as it can feel intimidating, awkward or nerve-racking, especially if you’re not familiar with the people you’re conversing with. While pleasantries can be a helpful way to interact with new people and an activity that some people enjoy, it can also feel like a chore to others. And believe it or not, many people who don’t like small talk often have certain characteristics in common.
Parade spoke with several psychologists to learn more about the psychology of small talk (and why some people dread it), as well as the personality traits many people who prefer to skip it tend to share. Our experts also dive into how different types of chatter can impact your overall well-being and mental health.
Additionally, if you’re one of the people who loathe this informal type of conversation (myself included), we asked our experts for actionable tips you can keep in mind the next time you find yourself in a situation that requires more chit-chat than you’d like. Whether you’re at a party, headed in for a big business meeting or simply making your way through your daily errands and feel the need to chat with those around you, we’ve got you covered.
Read on for seven personality traits commonly shared by people who don’t enjoy small talk. While there are outliers, these are some traits you might be able to identify within yourself or relate to (especially if you’d prefer to opt out of this type of casual conversation).
Related: 7 Traits of People Who Prefer the Company of Dogs Over Humans, According to Psychologists
The Psychology of Surface-Level Chat: Why Some People Dread Small Talk
There are some psychological reasons why someone might not prefer small talk (and even dread it). Our experts note that one of the main reasons many people hate small talk is because of its seemingly trivial nature.
“Small talk often occurs in contexts where the social relationship is superficial or short-lived, like in lines, which makes the conversation feel stilted and artificial,” says Dr. Austin Eklund, Ph.D., ABPP, attending psychologist at Montefiore Einstein Psychiatry Associates.
With that, Dr. Peter Vernig, PhD—a licensed psychologist and the Vice President of Mental Health Services at Recovery Centers of America—shares that the natural dopamine that is released when humans feel connected to another person is often lacking in these types of chit-chats when we don’t actually feel linked to or heard by other participants within the conversation, therefore making it an activity that seemingly doesn’t bring about a lot of benefit to those involved.
Essentially, if you don’t feel like there is a benefit (or reward) to small talk, you may not want to keep doing it.
Related: Psychologist Says if You Make Pros-and-Cons Lists for Everything, You Likely Have These 8 Traits
7 Personality Traits Common Among People Who Hate Small Talk
While these personality traits are common among people who hate small talk, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you if you do or don’t, or if you express these traits differently over time, in various circumstances or at different points in your life. Every person is different, and it is important to recognize that. With that in mind, learning more about yourself and foundational personality traits can often help you make sense of your feelings and actions (and sometimes help you feel less alone).
1. They’re introverted
While this may seem obvious, Dr. Vernig notes that many people who hate small talk are introverted.
“Introverts seek solitude and thus expend more energy in social situations,” he says. “They have a finite social battery, and so spending that energy on small talk often seems like a poor use of time.”
2. They desire stimulation
Just because someone may be introverted doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t crave social stimulation. In fact, Dr. Vernig and Dr. Michael Roeske, PsyD—a psychologist and the Senior Director at the Newport Healthcare Center for Research and Innovation—note that it can be the opposite. Individuals who don’t like small talk often don’t like it because it may not offer as much stimulation as they need.
“Some people genuinely enjoy effortful thinking, working through ideas, asking questions and making connections,” states Dr. Roeske. “Small talk asks very little of this kind of thinking, which can make it feel unsatisfying for people preferring intellectual stimulation.”
3. They’re anxious
You might not be surprised to learn that some people who don’t like small talk are often anxious or experience higher levels of anxiety than those who have an easier time with this type of communication.
“These individuals do not like engaging in small talk because it’s anxiety-provoking,” says Dr. Patricia Dixon, PsyD, a Florida-based psychologist. “The anxiety is attached to the uncertainty of what to say, and even more so to the uncertainty of where the conversation will even lead.”
4. They value their time
According to Dr. Dixon, people who view their time as extremely valuable may have a hard time quantifying the value that small talk has and therefore can be more averse to participating in this form of communication.
“This trait belongs to someone who hates small talk because they value their time and want to spend it in ways that offer the greatest reward,” she tells Parade. “For them, that tends to be time with the people they’re creating deeper connections with, rather than fleeting conversations that feel like a waste of time.”
5. They value authenticity
Similarly, Dr. Roeske says that people who don’t like chit-chat tend not to because they find that it’s inauthentic, and they value authenticity.
“Some people place greater value on a smaller number of close relationships and conversations that allow them to feel genuinely known and understood,” he explains. “For them, small talk may feel less rewarding because it doesn’t immediately provide that level of connection.”
6. They value openness
Dr. Noëlle Santorelli, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist in Atlanta, GA, notes that many people don’t like small talk because it might not produce answers that are as open as they would like.
“They may quickly tire of ‘What do you do?’ and ‘How was your weekend?’ or ‘Wow, really nice weather!’ but become animated when the conversation shifts to ‘What made you decide to do that?’ or ‘What’s something you’ve changed your mind about recently?'” she explains. “They don’t necessarily want or need every conversation to be intensely personal, but they may tire more quickly in these less substantial conversations and prefer a deeper dive over repetitive social scripts.”
7. They prefer quality over quantity
Along the same lines, Dr. Dixon explains that these individuals tend to favor conversations with more substance than volume, or, to put it simply, more quality over quantity.
“This trait is attached to those who hate small talk because they would much rather be close to a few people they can have deep conversations with than have many people they only share shallow conversations with,” she says. “It’s rooted in what they find valuable.”
Deep Conversation vs. Small Talk: How the Mind Processes Social Depth
The way your mind processes different types of conversations can impact your well-being and mental state differently. While we touched on this a bit earlier, “meaningful conversations impact brain chemistry by releasing oxytocin, which is associated with connection and long-term well-being,” says Dr. Vernig.
According to Dr. Roeske, deep conversations with strangers can also bring about more joy into people’s lives, and he cites a 2021 American Psychological Association (APA) study about how people actually “enjoy” them.
Dr. Dixon also notes that small talk generally doesn’t provide people with as much opportunity to grow their minds in the same way that deep conversations do. Even though it may seem obvious, the brevity of small talk to fill time is not as rewarding, and people are generally less happy when they engage in small talk than they are when engaging in those meaningful and deeper conversations.
Dr. Vernig references a 2010 Psychological Science study, which he says can be helpful, as it states that happier participants had double the amount of substantive conversations and a third as much small talk as those who were the most unhappy.
Related: 7 Signs You Have a ‘Really Strong Personality,’ Psychologists Say
How To Navigate Small Talk Without Draining Your Battery
The good news is that there are several strategies you can keep in mind for the next time you find yourself having to make small talk.
According to Dr. Roeske, an easy way to start a conversation containing small talk can be with a simple compliment to the other person.
Additionally, he notes that commenting on topics that the other conversation participants can also comment on can be a good starting point, with the weather being one of the easiest and most popular. When you use this strategy, you won’t have to expend a lot of mental energy while you spend time thinking of your next comment, as your talking points will be right in front of you (literally).
That said, your pleasantries don’t have to be boring and unengaging. You can actually change the course of your conversation with the follow-up questions you ask.
Dr. Roeske tells Parade that you can ask a meaningful query if you’re interested in what the other person has to say instead of simply changing the subject with another closed-ended question. You might end up surprised by what you learn about another person when you take an interest in what they’re saying, are curious, and ask engaging questions. There’s potential to make a new friend, acquaintance or connection that you didn’t expect if you’re open to it.
Even though this might bring up a bit of apprehension and anxiety, Dr. Vernig explains that (when appropriate), you can also let the other person know that you’re short on time to talk (if you are).
Your mindset towards small talk can also make or break your experience. If you walk into a situation requiring small talk with the thought that you want it to be over as soon as possible, you probably won’t get as much out of it and find it exhausting. However, if you go into it thinking that you might meet someone new or learn something you didn’t before, it can become more captivating if you let it. Be yourself and have fun with it, and you might get out of it what you put in.
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Sources:
- Dr. Peter Vernig, PhD, is a licensed psychologist and the Vice President of Mental Health Services at Recovery Centers of America.
- Dr. Austin Eklund, PhD, ABPP, is an attending psychologist at Montefiore Einstein Psychiatry Associates.
- Dr. Michael Roeske, PsyD, is a psychologist and the Senior Director at the Newport Healthcare Center for Research and Innovation.
- Dr. Noëlle Santorelli, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist in Atlanta, GA.
- Dr. Patricia Dixon, PsyD, is a Florida-based psychologist.
- “Getting beyond small talk: Study finds people enjoy deep conversations with strangers.” (2021) APA.
- “Eavesdropping on happiness: well-being is related to having less small talk and more substantive conversations.” (2010) Psychological Science.
