When Jenn Turkcan had her first child during the COVID-19 pandemic, she knew social distancing would make motherhood hard. But soon, she realized the isolation she felt wasn’t only because of the pandemic. Turkcan noticed an unrelated shift in her friendships that made the relationships feel distant and awkward.
“It’s hard to connect when some friends don’t have kids and all of a sudden you’re talking about breastfeeding and [sleep] schedules,” she said. Even with friends who did have children, different parenting styles sometimes caused tensions. The growing distance she sensed left her feeling alone, she said.
“I was really sad. I did spend quite a bit of time crying because it’s so lonely, like your whole life changes and then eventually, it’s almost like my family became my priority and then I just slowly along the way kind of met like-minded moms.”
How to know when it’s time to break up with a friend, and do it kindly
Relationship experts say Turkcan’s experience is common.
Maryum Rahman, a registered psychotherapist with The Therapy Couch, a virtual therapy service in Ontario, says parenthood often tests friendships. “Parenthood can reveal both the strains and the strengths within those relationships. We begin to see which friendships struggle under the changes and which ones show true loyalty and lasting support.”
What’s more, the voluntary nature of friendships mean they’re often put on the back burner when people experience a major life change such as having kids, says Laura Eramian, a social anthropologist who studies relationships.
“You’ve introduced a new, absolutely fundamental obligation into your life when you have a child. So we sort of have to ask ourselves, where can we cut ourselves some slack? Well, it’s the voluntary, informal thing,” she said.
Eramian, an associate professor at Dalhousie University, added the change in identity, combined with social pressure to be “a good parent”, leads some people to feel they should sacrifice personal relationships after having a child.
The changes to friendships can bring about sadness, loneliness or guilt, said Rahman.
She encourages new parents to acknowledge these feelings while recognizing they may need to adjust their perspective in order to move forward.
Opinion: Friendships are a profound part of life, but sometimes they’re not all roses
If you’re struggling with your friendships in the wake of having kids, here is some advice that can help.
Communicate your feelings, and embrace new traditions
While making time for friends can seem daunting after having kids, “it’s important to realize that friendships in general, they need care, attention and mutual respect in order to grow,” Rahman said. She added that open, honest communication is key to nurturing the relationship. Oftentimes, concern over the shifting dynamics in a friendship is felt by both parties. Discussing challenges or needs can help friends agree on ways to stay connected that suits their lifestyle.
This might mean adjusting “how and when they get together” or shared traditions to adapt to a new baby or young kids in the picture, Rahman explained. For example, friends might opt for a daytime coffee date or stroller walk rather than their usual late night out.
“Those traditions may have to be on pause for some time but it’s okay to allow growth for new things,” she said.
Know when it’s time to move on
If making an effort and communicating honestly doesn’t revive the stalled friendship, Rahman said, it may be healthier to move on. For example, friendships where one person is always the one reaching out, or where one friend dismisses the other’s parenting role, may have run their course.
Turkcan agrees, saying she chose to distance herself from some of her friends after having kids when she realized she could no longer be her authentic self with them. “I’m really big on energy and I’m really big on if it flows,” said the mom of two.
Still, Rahman said, it’s not easy to let go of a friendship so people should allow themselves time to grieve and reflect on how the experience helped them grow. She added: “Sometimes friendships fade temporarily, not permanently, and if you feel it’s right, remain open to reconnecting down the line.”
Opinion: We’re in our ‘sorry, I can’t make it tonight’ era, and that’s not okay
Be open to new friendships, too
While new parenthood can be a time of re-examining old friendships, it can also open the door to new ones, Eramian said. “You might meet people that you never would have encountered otherwise without having a child,” such as at daycare or school drop-offs.
According to Rahman, “Seeking new friendships, especially with people who may also have children, it doesn’t diminish the value of our existing friendships. Instead, it simply allows the circle of relationships and friendships to grow and expand.”
Looking back at some of the friendships that waned after she became a parent, Turkcan says she has no hard feelings. Her advice for other new moms feeling uncertain about the state of their friendships? Invest in yourself. “You will find your people, just be open to it.”
