As your child grows into an adult, you may find your job as a parent more challenging. You may not have expected it—weren’t you promised, “It gets easier” within seconds of their birth?
Maybe, but Dr. Crystal Saidi, Psy.D., a California-based licensed psychologist with Thriveworks, says it’s hard to struggle with the psychology of letting go of adult children. It’s especially hard when an adult child won’t take advice you feel is solid.
“Adulthood comes with something childhood didn’t: the right to make your own decisions and mistakes,” Dr. Saidi tells Parade.
That’s the reality, but it can be frustrating and sometimes downright frightening to watch a child of any age make decisions you don’t agree with (or feel are wrong).
“It can be hard because you are watching someone you love potentially struggle, and every parental instinct in you wants to step in and help,” she states. “But the catch is that even well-intentioned advice can sound like criticism, and when people feel their autonomy is threatened, they become more resistant to that advice.”
Psychologists say it’s important to respond intentionally and carefully when you think an adult child is making a mistake. It may mean not intervening and letting them fail and try again on their own terms. One technique can help parents stay in their lane.
Below, psychologists share their top tips for handling an adult child who doesn’t take your advice. They also explain exceptions, including how to deal with an adult child making bad decisions that are also dangerous.
Related: 7 Things Adult Children Wish Their Parents Would Stop Doing, According to a Psychologist
What the Psychologists Say: Stop Giving Unsolicited Advice
Three psychologists agree that parents should stop giving unsolicited advice to adult children because it counteracts the “psychology of autonomy.”
While often well-meaning, this advice can stifle freedom, cross boundaries and make them feel like kids again, triggering defensiveness in adult children.
The Psychology of Autonomy: Why Your Advice Triggers Defensiveness
Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor, says parents’ advice can be solicited or unsolicited. Unsolicited advice to adult children can be particularly fraught. It’s notorious for triggering defensiveness in adult children.
“It is more common that adult children are defensive when the advice is unsolicited,” she says. “This is generally because unsolicited advice implies incompetence or threatens the autonomy of the adult child.”
Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C, a psychologist and the founder of Phoenix Health, echoes these sentiments. She says that giving unsolicited advice to adult children can trigger a “psychological reactance.”
“When people feel that their freedom is being threatened, they feel compelled to reassert their freedom. In a nutshell, they think, ‘You can’t tell me what to do,'” she notes.
And unlike when they were a toddler who wouldn’t put their shoes on so you could take them to a doctor’s appointment, you really can’t tell an adult child what to do with their life. But you might end up overstepping with adult children, fracturing your relationship in the process.
“It signals that the parent doubts the adult child and is generally perceived as criticism,” Dr. Goldman explains. “Further, it regresses the dynamic between parent and child to a more restrictive interaction, similar to that of when a parent interacts with a child who is a minor. While the parent rarely intends this, unsolicited advice can feel patronizing and undermining.”
Related: Psychologist Says These Are the 7 Habits To Avoid With Your Adult Child—and Why They Can Damage Your Relationship
The ‘Ask Permission’ Technique
Psychologists agree that the “ask permission” technique is the best way to deal with an adult child making bad decisions. Put simply, “The ask permission technique is essentially asking if they want your feedback before stepping in to give advice or feedback,” Dr. Saidi tells Parade. “Just asking that question before can change the whole dynamic.”
It sounds simple, and it can be transformative, but it’s also challenging. Dr. Goldman suggests trying phrases like, “I have some thoughts. Would you want me to share them?”
“The adult child is then in a position where they can accept the comments from their parents or set a boundary that they do not want any feedback,” she states.
She shares that the “ask permission” technique can demonstrate respect between you and your adult child, encouraging a more collaborative process. It gives the adult child agency and control.
“The advice turns from unsolicited to solicited, reducing the feeling of being criticized or undermined,” Dr. Goldman says.
Practice the Pivot: The Manager vs. Consultant Scripts
Respecting boundaries with adult children is important, even when it comes to doling out “words of wisdom.” One way is to shift from manager to consultant parenting. Dr. Guarnotta explains that managers give direct advice and guidance. Consultants give their thoughts when asked, but ultimately let the person make their own choices.
“The shift from manager to consultant is usually a gradual process that unfolds over time, but generally concludes around age 18,” she explains. “Parents usually begin taking a step back as their children become capable of making their own decisions. By the time a child is an adult, the goal is for parents to take on the role of a consultant, or someone they come to from time to time for advice and support.”
Below, Dr. Guarnotta shares practical scripts to help you learn the difference.
|
The Scenario |
The Manager |
The Consultant |
|
They’re dating someone you don’t like. |
“You should break up with them.” |
“I have some concerns about your relationship. Can I share them with you? Ultimately, I trust you to make the best choice for you.” |
|
They’re changing careers from what you spent oodles of money on education to support. |
“You can’t change careers! Do you have any idea how much money you’ll have wasted?” |
“That’s a big decision since you’ve invested so much in your career. Would it be helpful if I shared some of my thoughts?” |
|
They’re using gentle parenting on their kids (your grandkids). |
“You’re way too lenient with them. They’re going to walk all over you when they get older.” |
“I’m curious about your approach to parenting. Can you share more about it?” |
|
They’re wearing something you don’t love to a job interview. |
“There’s no way that you can wear that!” |
“Would you like my honest opinion about the outfit, or do you feel comfortable in it?” |
|
You see a social media post that might get them fired. |
“You need to take that post down now! What were you thinking?” |
“I saw your social media post and was wondering if you thought about how your employer might interpret it. Do you want to talk it through?” |
|
You notice a missed bill payment on their desk during a visit. |
“You missed a bill! Do you have any idea what that will do to your credit?” |
“I saw an unpaid bill on your desk. I assume you have it handled, but I just wanted to check in to see if you needed any help.” |
|
They gained weight, and chronic illness runs in the family. |
“You’ve gained a lot of weight recently! Aren’t you worried about your health?” |
“I’ve noticed that you’ve been going through some things recently with your health. I’m here if you ever want to talk through it.” |
Related: The One Simple Step To Take for a Better Relationship with Your Adult Kids, According to Psychologists
How To Cope With the Anxiety of Watching Them Fail
Learning how to deal with an adult child making bad decisions is easier said than done. Still, psychologists say it’s often necessary. They share tips for coping with your nerves as you watch an adult child fail.
1. Reframe the notion of failure
Dr. Goldman reminds us that mistakes are learning opportunities, not failures. And learning doesn’t stop when a child turns their tassel for the final time.
“Making mistakes is a wonderful way for [adult] children to learn to do something differently, to make adjustments, to struggle and overcome,” she says. “It teaches them not to give up and to keep working.”
2. Stay in your lane, and adjust how you react
Dr. Goldman often sees parents swoop in to rescue a struggling child to protect them from falling, but she usually advises against it.
“Parents need to let their children fail,” she notes. “Stop trying to intervene and protect them from failing.”
The psychologist suggests stopping and waiting instead.
“It’s difficult to do this, especially when you can see the likelihood of failing is high,” she says. “Allow them to try, see for themselves and adjust the reaction away from disappointment or anxiety into support and love.”
3. Focus on maintaining the relationship, not being ‘right’
For the people in the back: “Adult children don’t want to be criticized or hear ‘I told you so,'” Guarnotta states.
“When parents repeatedly push their advice, adult children stop sharing personal information,” she says. “When you communicate, ‘You can make your own choices and always come to me,’ you create a relationship where the adult child is more likely to come to you. You actually end up having more influence and a closer relationship.”
Related: 8 Habits To Start With Your Adult Kids That Will Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists
When To Break the Rule: The Exceptions to the ‘No Advice’ Rule
Sometimes, it’s necessary to give an adult child advice, even if they didn’t ask for it.
“When it comes to situations involving serious danger or harm, a parent needs to be direct, even with their adult child,” Dr. Goldman says.
Dr. Goldman shares that these situations can include:
- Anything related to abuse
- Financial exploitation
- Substance use
- Life-threatening health situations
“In these situations, asking whether your child would like your advice might not be enough,” she notes. “You may have to say, ‘I am genuinely concerned about your safety.’ The goal is to communicate concern, not shame or control.”
Up Next:
Related: 9 Things Adult Children Need From Their Parents and Grandparents—but Won’t Ask For, Psychologists Share
Sources:
- Dr. Crystal Saidi, Psy.D., is a California-based licensed psychologist with Thriveworks.
- Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C, is a psychologist and founder of Phoenix Health.
- Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., is a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor.
